Where is My White Flag?

Jan 19. .Sunny.

I am my own enemy.

Looking into the mirror, flaws crawl out to the view of my iris. Mocking me.

Cuts, stitches, alterations...

Nothing fits.

What is there for me to offer? There is always someone with a brighter mind. A brighter smile. A brighter future...

"Why do you always bend your back when you walk? Such bad posture. Looks like you don't have any confidence."

"...I don't have any confidence."

"Why?"

What is there to boast about, when all I ever seem to possess are imperfection after imperfection after imperfection...

My parents always say that they are proud of me. Having a daughter that is willing to strive for her own future. Without a push. Without a shove. No strain, no pull. But it feels like I've been dragging myself to death. Expectations only rise, disappointment only falls. The stronger I desire to be, the weaker I am. It's all backwards. Twisted. Running for so long, I can't even remember where my destination was; the beginning of this journey. Where the red flag was waiting for me to capture into my desperate hands. My eyes are blurred. Words are slurred. Legs bending back and forth, uncontrollable. I want to release my grasp. I want to wave my white flag. But my feet are fixed onto the cement. Torturing me.

I'm my own killer.

The End of a Circle

Dec. 15

"They broke up."

"What?"

"Your brother and Angie broke up."

After over five years of endurance and true love, they call for an ending. Although I'm not in the relationship...my tears dropped. If a couple like them can split up...then what can possibly overcome more...They went through so much together. High school, university...between each crack of these building blocks...they were filled in simply because they complete each other. Through any pair of eyes, one can see true love between them, in their bonded hands, in her smile.

The uselessness of time. People say that time heals wounds. Time can answer questions. Time brings age, maturity, significance...But even with over five years of time, the love they built in that given time was still not enough. Not enough to overcome and solidify in time for that obstacle.

I've never witnessed my brother in this state. It's not anger. It's not frustration. It's his vulnerability leaking through him. She was his ultimate weakness. And she's gone.

Knowing him ever since I have taken my first breath, I've never seen him eat plain, cold, loaves of bread. Usually, he would complain the lack of decent food we have around our house. But he opened each drawer, and closed each. Searched for a few seconds. And asked where the bread was. No one questioned his sanity. I didn't know what was going on. But I wasn't planning on asking. It was too dangerous.

There was nothing on it. It was just, plain, original, bread cut into slices. And he took two, and ate them raw. His laptop wasn't in front of him. His iphone was tucked away. He just seemed to sit there blankly. Completely unaware. And after his bitter devour, he left.

I still remember their matching silver rings. Simple. Pure. Worn everyday, on both of their fourth fingers. Like they were already married...

I wonder where those rings are going to end up now...

Left unworn...untouched.

Fourth finger...bare. Empty. Common, like everyone else.

I just wish I could hug him. And tell him that it'll be okay. Even if it isn't. He's the brother that does not cry in front of anyone. But himself. I don't even know if he has the ability to cry anymore. Maybe that ability was stripped away from him when she left. Although it was mutual, it doesn't seem like it is. His pain seems to be too strong....where all facial expressions disconnect and become incapable of expressing what he feels inside. I can't imagine the amount of pain in him. In a way, It hurts more to see him not cry...to not yell. I just wish that he would open up and ask for something. I just wish that I can help him...

How is he possibly going to heal by himself...