Forcing a True Smile

Jan 31th .Sunny.

I just finished talking to Feilong...and I just found out that he is planning on taking grade 10 math in the Summer, so he can do grade 11 math when he's grade 10. I thought that he would continue math honours. If he doesn't do math honours, the possibility of having even one class with him will be even thinner. I know that I should be happy for him becuase he's bright enough to even be able to do that. But on the other hand, I want him to at least have math with me. If he continues to take honours, at least we still have a chance. But if he takes grade 11 math, we won't have math together for sure. I already miss him...and we're still in grade 9. Just imagining not having there in math honours, makes me sad. It just sucks. I feel so bad that I think this way, but I can't help it. I know being happy for him is the right thing to do and feel. But I just don't feel that way as much as feeling sad. He's taking English honours and I won't, he's taking Physics 11, and I might. He's probably continuing to take Media Arts, while I'm quitting it for sure next year/ I really want at least one or two classes with him next year. But the longer we talk about it...and the sooner the course selections are coming, the more I find out that we probably won't have any classes together. In the beginning, I thought that if I didn't do physics I would at least have math honours with him next year. Now I find out that he's going to take grade 11 math. [possibly grade 11 honours] I know it's good for him, and I should be proud and happy. I don't want to be the reason why he's giving up his chances to really go higher than average.I don't know if he notices the chances that we have to have even one class with each other. But it's probably better he doesn't..so I don't bring him down, because I know that if I tell him how I feel about his decisions for his courses for next year, he'll do basically everything I tell him to do. I don't want to ruin his goals and it's obvious that what he is doing is helping his future, and I know that I should support him. I'm trying so hard to smile...but it's just not working right now. I just hope that we would at least have one class with each other next year. I just hope.

We're Friends, and We'll Always Be

Jan. 28th .Cloudy.

Chris and I have been really great friends ever since November. We finally recovered from the relationship we had in grade 8. Ever since we were friends again, we told each other everything and we were really close. Although I was happy that I had him as a friend again, people started thinking that we were flirting with each other. Today, Krizel said, "But you and Chris flirt with each other a lot." I didn't know how to respond. I wasn't angry or sad that she said that. But it makes me think. If Krizel, in a classmate's point of view, says that we seem like we are always flirting with each other, then I'm sure that some people would agree. I don't think that just because of these little comments and rumors, we need to stop talking to each other as much. We are friends, and we both know that there is nothing more than that. I don't want my boyfriend to misunderstand or feel bad and not tell me. But I think this reminded me that I have to be careful about how I act around Chris. Although there is nothing between us, it's still important to know where the line is and where we have to be more cautious. I really don't want to lose a friend that's so close to me, just because of something this small, but it's still something that I should notice from now on. I'll still continue to tell Chris how I feel about things, and I'll still be there for him when he needs it. Chris, you'll always be my friend, and nothing will change that. We went through so much together, that we have to treasure this friendship no matter what happens.

"Reach For the Stars"

Jan 25 .Dark??.

It's 12ish right now...I was planning on writing on the 24th. But it's already past 12 so I guess I'm technically talking about yesterday...? But I'll just say 'today' since it's easier. = = [Yes...I'm very lazy today.]

Anyways, today my mom and I were talking....loudly... about how Feilong and all my other friends went to this math competition with all these other hundreds of people in different schools. Feilong ended up being the 4th! <3should>I know myself; my abilities; and my weaknesses mother.

After my mom and I talked about it, I heard my mom telling my dad about what I said. I'm not sure about my dad's response, but I did hear my mom mimicking me, saying, "My boyfriend..." to my dad. My dad isn't supposed to know about me having a boyfriend. When I told my mom about it, I told her twice to not tell dad, and she promised she wouldn't. Ughhhh....= =

Today is chinese new year! =D

My grandma called us, and she finally had time to talk to me after my brother, my mom, and my dad. I wanted to say, "I miss you...and I want you to remember that I love you, grandma..." But if you're an asian you'll know that chinese people just don't say anything cheesy things like that. But after I gave back the phone to my mom I started to really miss my grandma. She was one of the only few that really cared about me in my family. She looked after me when I was just a little baby, and now I don't even see her once a year. I miss her so much it's killing me. Sometimes, I remember all those times that my aunts and my mom lecturing and yelling at my grandma for something, while they never do that to my grandpa...and they still do that. I don't think that's fair or respectful. Although they are old and stuff...they are still your parents, don't you have to show respect for elders? But maybe I just don't understand because I'm still only 14...?

Tomorrow/Today I'm going to go to Alice's house, but on Saturday I had a thought to not go, and just stay home and talk to Feilong and study history. But I barely get to hang out with Jadie, Maggie, and Alice, and Feilong is sick anyways so I shouldn't bother him. But I promised that I'll call to check up on him. I hope he understands and appreciates that what I'm trying to do for him, and my friends.
Anyways...

Gong Hei Fat Choi!! =]

It's Ok

Jan 22 .Frosty.

After school, I finally noticed the note he meant to give me. Although I really wanted to quickly read it, I just put it between the pages in my Science text book and went home with Nicole. I went home, and changed quickly. Then, I was finally able to sit down and look at that peice of paper.

Tiffany:

Last night I went to bed at 10:00 because I knew I couldn't sleep for another two and a half hours. I thought over the last 2 months and realized that you were the best thing that has ever happened to me. I don't think I'll be able to take the ending of this relationship. I told myself "I loved her and I still do" fifty times and finally decided to write this lousy letter. You were right- writing does help. I should have valued what I had already. I should have respected your choices, I should have relaized that I couldn't repay you for all the time you spent on the phone making me laugh and how much it cost to text me so much. You gave up so many things for me and I couldn't do the same. I'm sorry I am so selfish. I'm sorry I made you apologize so much when it was always my fault.Don't go, please.

Today, I tried to sit beside him more and walk beside him. I just hope that he noticed. Although my heart is still healing, I think it will heal completely soon. He's been asking me if I'm still sad and he's still feeling really bad for saying those things on our anniversary. "It's ok...I forgive you." <3I'm sure I did something wrong too. I'm sure he didn't make all the mistakes. I can always do better...I know I can. He even told me that when we did the pre-test in Math honours, he got half of them wrong. Luckily, it's not due yet, and he can fix his mistakes. I just hope he stops stressing out and worrying about how I feel. I'm fine.

Tomorrow is a pro-D day! Finally a break from school. But I still have to study history and play more piano tomorrow. No matter what, I have to study my butt off tomorrow. The history test is coming closer and closer, and time is passing faster and faster. It's scary...=[

After-Taste

Jan 21 .Cloudy.

Chris helped me out at school a lot today. He walked me to school and back, cheered me up, and told it was ok even though I knew it wasn't. Socials was my last block and I had it with him. Soon I couldn't help but cry as I was working on my worksheet. I was tired, my eyes were swollen, and my muscles felt soooo weak. As soon as I was dismissed, I quickly walked to my locker so I can talk to Chris again. After Chris walked me home, I was relieved. FINALLY HOME. It's stupid how I wanted to stay away from him, but I was also waiting for him to go online. Suddenly, I received an e-mail. I hoped that it was from him. It was.

November - December 20th
We told each other on Thursday. I could tell she was crying on the other side. I was forty-five minutes late for art class. I ran to the Bus station and hummed through the lesson.
I knew that I wanted to go through school by her side.
Through the month, we confessed that we think of each other when we sleep.
I once asked her if she would leave me, she told me she would never. I wouldn't either.
I finally asked her if she wanted to work together for socials. She nodded and I quickly packed up and headed off to enjoy the moment. She invited me over to her house and we laughed so much together.
Our Anniversary. She told me I was late and I said I love her. She smiled.
She comes up to me smiling. I had 6 A's and she had 7. She was laughing and I wanted to hug her.
All the love songs were beginning to make sense for the first time.
It was Christmas. She Baby Booed my key. I've used it about 70 times now.
She told me she would stay by my side. I wanted to spend Christmas and New Years with her. I drew her a card and she typed smileys and said she loves me.
The winter was colder than ever. We watched snow fall and talked for hours.
She told me about the daredozen. I wanted in and got pummelled. She laughed so hard.
She started calling me. She was the only person I had ever talked on the phone with for more than 15 minutes.
The winter was cold, but it seemed warmer than ever.
She groans about her mom and church and her tutoring. I feel it.
The G folks went to the mall to watch Benjamin Button. I thought I heard her snoring on my shoulder. I wanted it to last forever.
Winter was over. We'd spent about 22 dollars texting each other and countless, countless hours on MSN. I was so excited to see her again and be with her. I had her card and decided to give it to her on thursday, our confession and also the day I gave her her Christmas card.
I arrived at school. She doesn't talk to me. Not one bit.
I walked home through the snow. A voice starts mumbling in my head.
The second day. I see her drive Minmin to Media arts and leaves to escort him to drama. I sat back into my chair.
The third day, I hear her showing Chris her remobilzied mp4 and laughing.
the fourth day, I sneak the card into her locker at lunch. I know she doesn't open it until the end of the day.
The fourth night. She announced to the world on MSN she loves me and thanked me five hundred times. I smiled and said I love her too.
The fifth morning. I arrive at school happily, I see her with the crowd and smile.
She doesn't see me.
The voice tells me to stop pretending because she clearly doesn't like me anymore. I said that wasn't true but can't back it up.
The second week. Chris is sick. There was a space beside her on Thursday. She talked to me and we laughed at the Korean games.
Chris came back on Monday. I fell into depression. Every period she has with me is occupied by someone else. I begin to see how unimportant I was in her life. She never seem to notice me. I began to stop walking with her because I feel so stupid.
I open the bottle with her message. It still said she was going to be by my side. I thought the message had changed to "If all these hints aren't enough, then you should really get your brain checked."
Tuesday Night. I tell her how I feel. She said there was no way she could choose spending time with me over her friends. I suggest that I wasn't the type of person she wanted to make conversations with. She askes me if I wanted to break up. I doubt she was crying. I doubt she would cry for me anymore.
I go to bed at 10:00. I don't say good night to my parents because my voice would be so twisted they won't understand what I was trying to say.
I couldn't sleep and decided to write her a message telling her how sorry I am. I leave for school 20 minutes early and put it in her locker.
On the way home from a meeting, I open her locker. She didn't take it home. I doubt that she read it at all. I was certain she hated me.
Its been 62 days. The happiest period of my life. And its ending. I don't know if I can send this email to her. I don't know if she would read it. I don't know if I can take the result. I love her so much.

After reading that, I didn't know how to react. First of all, the note he gave me...I didn't even know he gave me a note. Second, how did he know that I didn't cry? Third, I didn't hate him, and I never will. Although there are problems with that writing above, I was finally able to heal from that knife in my heart. I'm still not as comfortable with him since, this problem just ended, but time heals wounds right? The only worry I have right now is that he feels bad about what he said yesterday so much that he's been saying sorry over 10 times today. I just don't want him to stop telling me how he feels. In my eyes, that's worse than telling me and making me cry. I just hope he actually listens to what I say and still tell me how he feels if he's sad. I love him so much too.