Met You Already

I don't know what you really want from me.

You say that you don't want to meet me yet. Until things settle. Fine. You can keep sitting on your high horse. Your guards up high. Even though I don't believe in holding onto such traditional values in the 21st century, I can't stop you.

But why do these things.

You constantly tell Eric to give me jewelry that you find at your home. Chocolate than you don't want. Tell me that I don't need to take it. That puts me in a tough situation. If I don't take it, it's like I'm saying that I don't want your crap. My tastes are very particular. Always were. I buy what I want. No one else does. I appreciate thoughtful gifts. Not ones you dig up and give for no reason. Well one reason: to get rid of them. Don't give me things that are old and things you don't want. It's insulting. You established this strict boundary between us. I followed it closely. I respected you. I would only expect close friends or family members to give me hand-me-downs. Not someone that I've never met and also made our relationship, or lack thereof, clear.

You then tell Eric to ask me about Ms. Chow's exams. So I can help your younger son. So what is this. You  expect me to just help you. Maybe because I need to be oh-so grateful about your "gifts". Why would I want to help someone that doesn't even want to meet me. So I have no right to say anything. I just do as you command. Don't meet you. Open my mouth and tell you what you want to know. You don't want me to bother you, but you can do as you like with me.

I did it anyways. Not because I didn't see the wrongs. Not because I was intimidated. I love Eric. And I know he loves you.

And your friends need to leave me alone.

I'm a regular girl. I don't deserve to be put onto a table and be criticized by any of you. I don't know how any of you look. You don't know how I look either. Why don't just leave it like that.

Vinnie's mom believes whatever her insecure and shameless daughter says.  And she brings it up to you and the rest of your friends. Embarrasses you. Saying that your son is dating a "loose" girl. Vinnie's mom should just look at her own. Slept and cheated. More dirty than what I can ever imagine.

More enemies than friends. More embarrassment than compassion. Are those what you call friends?

You return home, question Eric. You don't even believe your own son. I don't know if you believe what was said about me. Doesn't matter. Great first impression.

We've met already.

Torn

Who am I?

These past months have been the hardest of my life. I've lost almost everything. 

There are only miles between us. Although we still try to make ends meet, nothing is the same anymore. We are no longer together. I always thought that all I never needed anyone in high school. Just my brain, my grades. I don't even know what those mean anymore. 

Walking alone in the cold, ears stuffed with my earphones. I just don't want to think about anything. I'm too scared to let my mind wander. So I strapped it. Tied it down. Lied to it. My mouth, taped. Muted. I have nothing to share. Nothing to express. I thought I was like that in high school. Proven wrong once again.

I take it, and leave. 

The thought of getting kicked out of school does not scare me. I walk blindly everyday anyways. I feel so helpless. People constantly tell me to not worry, that I can do it. Once the competition has been opened up to me, I notice how insignificant I am. My marks are. How stupid I am. 

Eric sometimes highlights that stupidity to me. I thought I would never think like this. I believed that there is no reason to question why someone would pick another to be his or her partner. But like everything else I believed, I lost it. After many years of high school, I finally hit my climax in confidence in regards to my capabilities. I took so long to build that. But university rip this apart for me. 

Start over.

Intelligence has, once again, become a sensitive area. I used take pride in my maturity, my wisdom. I know I am a lot smarter than most my age. But with Eric, both of my academic and social pride has been hushed, defying everything that I thought was real. 

What can I say. If I am proven wrong, I can only stand there motionless. Take it and leave. 

"Your mom was complimenting you so much to her friends last night. She knows that her daughter is filled with determination and expectations. She knows that you know how to deal with any type of situations and act appropriately. She is so proud of you," my aunt whispered on the phone.

I don't know who my mom is describing. 

I wish I can be this girl. 

I remember that  my parents was my greatest motivation. My love for them. Their love for me. I wanted to them to make their sacrifices worthwhile. Make them proud. I would work so hard. I forgot why I would. 

I lost my identity. I lost my reason. 

Why continue...

Happy Graduation

These couple weeks have demonstrated to me what high school really is.

A place where friendships are made and torn. People walking around masked and unmasked. Seeking for acceptance and sending out rejection. It's heart break.

This grad dinner has revealed who I am surrounded with in this building.

I looked at you and waited for your apology. But I only receive a blank stare in return. Thanks. Now get out of my life.

"I'll just try to find a seat at a table for you, maybe at a table near mine."
Why thank you. Because I live my life to just be around you. I am simply a charity you are donating to. Wake up.

How can you both choose your boyfriends and act like there is nothing wrong. I understand. It's not your problem anymore, but only mine. My concern, and your solution. Because a relationship built within half a year defines your five years of being in high school better than a friendship solidified and embroidered delicately with memories for four years. But both of you just discussed among yourselves, reaching a mutual agreement and ditched the idea of making our table work. Evidently, there was no consideration in regards to me. Both of you have your boyfriends to run to. Who do I run to? Eric isn't there to protect me, or shelter me. I'm your friend aren't I? Shouldn't either one of you realize that maybe, just maybe, that I need to be included in this issue? What did you think...that I'll figure it out myself when I go to the dinner and realize that my seat is actually in the far right corner with random strangers?

And the day after this, you act like nothing is wrong. You both just ignore me, waiting for me to be the first to reach out. Let's refresh our memory: I'm the one in pain. I'm the one that got left behind. You should do the U-turn, and try to find me. I won't chase a car, knowing that I am already limping in pain and completely stunned about what you two have done. You two drove away. Sped and didn't look back.

Happy Graduation.

This whole arrangement showed me that when there is a time where we, as an entire grade, need to gather up in the groups of ten, I have nowhere to go to. My friends that I expected to be right behind me, left before I even turned back to check. Embarrassment is only a description with accuracy if it is used to depict the tip of my emotions. I don't know how to tell my new boyfriend. That his girlfriend is actually one that is not especially welcomed or loved at school. But one that chooses to shut people out, resulting in an embarrassing situation such as this.

It makes me question.

Should I just be immature? Should I just fake and lie? Because it seems like my rejection towards those questions are the main reason why I struggle to find friends in high school. Instead of partying every week, I choose to study by myself, synchronized with my music plugged into my ears. That's all I thought I needed. I thought I just needed to count on myself. That's what my mom always told me. But when these social events come up, I, me, and myself will not suffice. Unfortunately, each of my textbooks can't be considered a member of my own group.

And this whole fiasco only makes me more paranoid, even more sensitive, timid. Even the people I have decided to really trust have tricked me. So who will do so next?

I'm so exhausted. I've tried so hard to limit my friends to the barest. To a point where I almost don't have any friends. And I still end up the one in pain. The one in regret and disappointment.

We Continue

April 14. Sunny.


Every time you would lift my legs to settle on yours
cradle me tightly,
lower to kiss me ever so gently...
let the wind blow...


Every thing I have fought for, 
shed to tears for 
bled, ran, begged,
can rest in peace. 
Settle.


Long and distant
Loneliness seeps, stings
Living on text,
by text, 
by text,
voice. 


My mind would wander,
walk in circles.
Back to you.


Light shines through
Eyes closed, in faith
Late nights in your car,
Kiss once, twice.
three, four. 


     ...Lost count.


Another week.


Diverged.


Miss you.
wish to see you once my mind closes shut
to see you when it opens bright 
and you would kiss my forehead, 
remind me.
what makes my smile spread.
my frown.
upside down.


My sight in front of me,
usually blurred, slurred.
With you,
Sculpted, Sharpened. 


I know.


wherever I'll stand,
I won't be scared, lonely.
Shiver. 


I don't care.
if a remover is in hope
for removal.
A drawer in prayer to cross 
us out.


Continue on...

Time is Ticking

Feb. 10th. 2012

You have said and promised. I truly believed you, and waited. But as time grew our conversations apart, I have realized that we have created something so complex. It's not just between us two. I can't confess as I please, demand as I urge to. My brother is your friend. And if I demand an answer, I'm not only putting our friendship at risk, but my brother's as well. I've learned from the start, that I must fight human nature. Selfishness can only lead to regret.

I've liked you from the start. But I've also known at that moment there was one solution. Only separation and distance. And now that I know that we have this spark. This one chance...

I've met a lot of guys after that moment. I've learned to shut you away. Force myself to only think of you as someone I really treasure. Nothing else. I couldn't hold any type of expectation against you. I moved on and found other people. But no one could compare. It was everything about you. Your act of giving, your smile, your humbled intelligence...

But as time continues, people will come and go. And they might change me. If I don't know now, I'm afraid that how I feel will dissipate to the air. Leaving nothing left. I don't want someone else to enter. I just want you and I to stay here. And even if I wait for you, you might be waiting for someone else. And the happiness I've felt when you texted me, messaged me, promised me, will be worthless. They would no longer hold the intentions I thought they did. And I will have to disappear from you. Even if you find someone else, married, I will still look at you the same way I did when I met you. That won't ever change. This feeling that felt so sincere and warm, would be labelled wrong, as a scandel.

This is why it is painful. I have to continue to hold my breath as I drown. Starve to death. I won't be able to do what I want to do. I just have sit here. And wait. There is no marked date, nothing to look forward to. I just have to continue, without knowing what is going to be in front of me, staring at me in the eye. I don't know if it is worth it.

I like you. But what can I do with this 'like'? Let it rest, and wait for your nurture?

It's waiting. Time is ticking.

Dear Eric

Jan 30th .Dark.

I've admired you ever since I rested my eyes on you. But I also knew, at that exact moment, that nothing will ever bring us two together. So I continued on.

You always tend to strip my confidence away.

Your intelligence,

Your generosity,

Your loyalty...

We have at least six years between us. Six long years. That is the one and only thing that will never enable me to tell you what I have felt for you for all these years. I have no chance.

Every time I met up with you, I still felt that my heart fluttering. One year after the other.

You always kept your promises to me. And as disappointing as it sounds...no one else has been able to do that for me so far. You are never worried about losing any benefits for yourself. You just unconditionally help others with what you have. That is what I admire most about you.

You always say that I'm a sister to you. But to be honest, I never felt that type of love for you. I always felt more. But a seat at one of round tables for your wedding already has my name on it. I am not the one standing next to you, hand in hand, my fourth finger married to your ring for life. On that day, I'll take my fake smile out. And paste it on. I will do that for you.

Even beyond math tutor, we kept in contact. You continued to teach me, putting your arms over me and onto the table. And put me above your own studies when I struggled to tears with mine. Throughout all these years, you were always the one that preserved our relationship. I didn't know when was the right time that wouldn't bother you. Like I was stopping you from your life, your group of friends and degrading you to my age range. I didn't want that.

You make me ashamed of my age. Being the age I am, I am given no chance to have you. I have no hope but declination. And taking the risk of telling you the truth is too much for me. I don't think I will have the courage to see you ever again after accepting your rejection.

So whoever you are waiting for, I hope that that girl knows that she is the luckiest person in the world to have you. She has the luxury of having that in her life.

To me, it'll always be a dream.

Rewarded

Jan 24th 2012 .Rainy.

"You are Tiffany Sit right?"

"Yea...why?"

"Oh just to let you know you are one of the eight students that is given the chance to get the UBC Major Entrance Scholarship."

I am finally rewarded.

From the age of six, it was engrained in my brain that I will never be the model, or the number one. I never really thirsted for solid evidence for arrogance. All I wanted was to be recognized. Even for just a second.

My mom was in such pain when I was younger. All my best friends were smarter, more talented. They took whatever I started on, and made it unbelievably better. This left me nothing but in tears. But I never let them go, past my waterline. They were the only friends I had, and cutting our ties would mean that I have no one. My mom would have no one. I grew to be ashamed of who I was. I was embarrassed by my lack of intelligence. My incapabilities; like I was diagnosed with a incurable disease and had a life numbered. Things had to be made simpler for me in comparison, because I couldn't handle the complexity of the content. And no one helped me. Or given me a second chance or tried to explain it to me one more time. My mom silently digested the pain as well and continued. She didn't want to strip me from my friends and leave hers. I was permanently marked with stupidity.

This nomination is not a chance to get the scholarship. This is already the award. Throughout high school, I've concluded that no one cares about my marks. Because there are always people beside me that are equally or even more academically achieved. And everyone would run their attention towards the best, regardless of the effort used to create the result. I've learned that in life, no one cares about effort or diligence. They only care about the final product. So I've learned to shut up, and flick out the hope that a response will return to me. And I soon accepted that I should just learn for myself, and never seek for any sort of pause from my peers. But this means that someone is watching over me, and noticing my accomplishments. Believing in my capabilities. For once in my life, I don't feel mentally handicapped.

This nomination is proof. I'm not useless anymore. All the nights I stayed up for, all the tears I have shed, all the scribbles marked and erased...it all came back to me. My mom and I do not have to be ashamed anymore. She can be proud.

I have no strong desire to actually get 5,000 to 40,000 from UBC. To me, that is not what I have always wanted. I wanted that smile. I wanted that respect for my intellect. I wanted to be considered as a force. One that never stops, or fails to continue. And that form I received contained all that. All the tender pain summed up in those papers.

I never blamed God for my intelligence. I know that I can be smart when I act upon it. I also know that I can fail a test if I don't study. Studying in an environment with so many naturally intelligent people, I never questioned. I continued to work with what I was given, because that is all I have. My life will not be carved by myself. This recognition is for my teachers, my dad, my mom. Telling them that I have not thrown their sacrifices away, or rot their actions to regret. I have breathed in every single thing they have done, and used them to its fullest potential.

This is for you. Thank you.