Confessions

April 21th .Sunny.

Yesterday night, Jeremy confessed that he likes me again. He kept on complimenting me about how I smell (like everyone else) and saying how pretty I am (which I always disagree with..no matter who says it.). Then I finally, wanted to change the subject and I just asked him simply, "Did you find someone to like yet?" and he said, "kinda" and it turns out that it is me. I obviously didn't accept his feelings for me since we both know that I have a boyfriend already. "When I saw you at the mall and I was with my girlfriend..after you left, she quickly said, "Are you going to cheat on me with her? I know you like pretty girls." and I just said that she's crazy." But he said one thing that I don't think I'll ever forget. "I always liked you. There is just something about you that always gets to me." Lots of the things he said were pretty normal. Nothing really special that I didn't hear from other guys that confessed to me before. But for some reason, every single word he said was surprising like this is the first time I have ever heard a guy say something like this to me. I guess it's because it's Jeremy and we did like each other before but not knowing it. Since he was being so honest, I thought this is my chance to be honest too. "I really liked you when things weren't going so well with my boyfriend that time. But I knew I had to stop because I have a boyfriend. I don't want to hurt you or him." He understood but he also told me that he'll like me for a long time. "It's pretty impossible for me to not like you...I think I'm crazy.." "For doing what..?" "just for you..I can't stop thinking about you." Although he is an awesome guy, and he's perfect in every way that I can think of, I already found Feilong. Who is the world to me. (Yes...I was finally able to figure my own feelings out after a few days. YAY!) As I was talking to him, I was also talking to Joanna on the phone. "YES! SEE I KNEW IT. I KNEW HE WOULD LIKE YOU. THAT'S WHY I TOLD YOU TO BE CAREFUL ABOUT WHAT YOU SAY AND TO NOT TALK TO HIM AS MUCH!" Thanks Joanna. = =

So today, I decided to tell Feilong about EVERYTHING. Including that time, where I fell for Jeremy for a few days, and that he confessed to me last time. I even sent him the conversation. When we were watching this movie for Media Arts, I whispered to him since we were sitting so close to each other. "Are you scared that you'll lose me?" He didn't say anything for a few seconds. "Yea...kinda..." he whispered back. I then kissed him on the cheek just to comfort him. He looked at me and I smiled. He smiled back. I didn't want him to get scared about losing me. I just want him to know what is happening so I don't need to hide anything in this relationship, because I do want this relationship to last. It's good that Jeremy told me now, after my feelings are sorted out and went back to where they belong. If I was still confused and he confessed at that time...I think I would of died.

At the end of our conversation (Jeremy and me), the last thing I said was that no matter what he is really special to me because he has been so loyal even when we didn't see each other for so many years, and having a friend like him is a great gift...and no matter what, he'll always be my special friend that I'll never forget.

Please Don't Make Me Fall in Love with You...

April 9th .Dark.

Yesterday, I suddenly had a chat with an old friend from Brainchild, when I was younger. He's in grade 10 now, and is trying really hard to be a doctor. It was probably because I didn't talk to him for so long that when I had to go downstairs to play piano, all I really did was think about him. His name is Jeremy. I thought that him suddenly saying 'hi' was a one time thing. But it happened again today, and I'm still talking to him right now. We've been talking the whole day. I think...I fell for him a bit. I know. I'm being such a two-timer and idiot. I already have a boyfriend. As I was having a fun time talking to Jeremy, I had a problem with my boyfriend. The worst part is is that I didn't care a whole lot about it.

During English, Carrie invited me to go for bubble tea, and I wanted to get it with her. So, as usual he was waiting for me to come out of my classroom since his was right next to mine anyways. As we were walking, I decided to say, "Carrie, Bryan, and I are going for bubble tea." Instantly his face drops. I reach for his hand. "Are you okayyyy?" in the usual cute and whiney voice that he loves to hear. He doesn't say anything. Since Carrie saw his expression, she asked, "Hey, you want to come with us?" and then he quickly said, "Is it okay?" and right when Carrie asked that, it was my turn for my face to drop down. I always see him. I always need to spend time with him. Whenever I just want to talk to my friends, I can't because when I do he gets left out since my friends don't really 'click' with him, and he's kind of anti-social. Ever since I went out with him, he always needs me to be with him because if I'm not he's all alone. It's been almost 5 months and I'm getting tired of being his little babysitter all the time. I always have to look after him because right when I don't he gets upset, like that bubble tea incident. I miss my friends. I miss the times where I don't need to care about anything and simply immerse myself with my friends carelessly. But it's all different now. When I just want a time with my friends, he complains or simply drops his face like he always does. None of ex's ever had this problem.I'm not angry at him, I just want him to understand. I told him that that bothered me today, and he got all emotional and said he needed some 'alone-time-and-thinking-it-over-time', which I really respect if he needs it. After over 6 hours or so, he said he was sorry and he's going to try harder like how I tried harder when he complained about the lack of attention I give him.

I told Jenny today how Jeremy is effecting me and my problems with my boyfriend. "You're just stressed out probably" she suggested. I hope so...because I feel like I barely care about him right now. While Jeremy...well...I'm on the mid-point of officially liking him. I know that this is wrong. I shouldn't be liking another guy while I'm already in a relationship. I feel terrible feeling this way...but it's not like I can help it. I'm trying so hard to not like Jeremy, but he's making me like him. He talked about how he really liked me when we met in math tutor...how he was able to tell me anything...how he loved my laugh...and how comfotable he felt around me...*sigh. He even said he wanted to meet me again someday. [I'm actually kind of scared of that because I don't really know if he changed into a creeper or anything...= =] I can't believe that I'm doing this to my own boyfriend. Who is trying so hard for me, and thinking about it over and over again for me. When I saw his text message saying how sorried he was, I couldn't do anything but cry. I'm sorry. Not you. I don't deserve to be your girlfriend right now. If I do fall for Jeremy, I'll be scared to admit it. I don't want to admit it. I don't want it to ever happen. I want my heart to go back where it really belongs. I'm so sorry.

Perfect or Imperfect

April 7th .Dark?.

Throughout this whole relationship with my boyfriend, there have been many people that supported us, belived that we were one of the most mature couples out there, and really believed that we would last very long. But like everything else in this world, there are people that support and there are people that do not. I understand that logic and I know that it's reality. But no matter how much you understand this fact, it still hurts when it happens to you. Jordan and Chris (and I'm sure there are other people...) think that my relationship will always stay the same, it won't go higher or lower, and that our relationship is progressing too slow. When Chris told me that, it actually effected me quite a bit. I just sat at home, and wondered for a few minutes. "Is it a problem that it's always going to be the same...the fact that everyday we'll just hug each other and talk...same old same old...day by day?" But in the other hand, what else can I do in this relationship? In some ways, what Chris said did get to me a bit. Sometimes, I think my relationship with him is so perfect, but sometimes that crashes down and I just find some flaws here and there. I know that relationships aren't perfect, but I didn't know that our relationship is that 'lame' in some people's eyes. We're just a couple that doesn't go with the trend. We don't make out. We don't give each other gifts every month for anniversary. We just know we love each other a lot and that fills up our day already. I know. People always say, "Don't care about what people think, just follow your own heart." But in reality, it just doesn't work that way. No matter what those quotes say, you'll still feel hurt by those comments, and they will still make you think about your actions.I really don't know which side to believe. Some believe that our relationship is basically perfect, while some people believe it's not close to perfect at all. As for the 'progressing' part, ever since grade 7, I'm hesitant when it comes to intimacy. Even he doesn't like it and do it as much as average guys like Chris. In a way, I really like the fact that he doesn't get all touchy like the other guys I see. He respects me and makes sure that I'm comfortable being around him and having to witness his actions. I don't believe that bonding is built by intimacy...that's just basically the extras. But relationships are grown by talking and understanding each other as a couple. I know I'll brush this off my shoulder soon, but I still need time to do so. I don't know what I believe in right now. I did before, but after all these different opinions, I forgot and lost what I think about this relationship.

Keep on Fighting

April 4th .Sunny.

Yesterday, my brother finally came back home. He's been staying at UBC for two days straight and slept in the libraries for two days. While he was gone, to be honest, I didn't really notice anything. I didn't really think about him or really had a feeling of missing him. I know. What a terrible sister. But we barely see each other even if we are in the same house. He's always in his room and I'm always in mine. We go through different things in our lives and we are 5 years apart, so it's hard to relate to each other. In most days, we don't even say a word to each other. We don't bond. We don't connect to each other. Ever since I was in grade 7, I gave up trying to talk to him because everytime I do, he just says, "Shut up, you're so annoying...do you know that?"He is more of a stranger than my brother really. But when he came back yesterday and I saw his emotion on his face and how tired he looked, I noticed that I did miss him a lot. It seemed like I didn't see him for two weeks, not two days. We were going to have dinner, and my mom had to call him 4 times to actually make him come down. He was too exhausted to wake up. Seeing him like this really makes me worried about him. I don't exactly know how it is like to go through these things in university since I'm still in high school, and I obviously don't know how it feels. But all I know, is that he's suffering and he's tired of fighting. I didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything to him. Deep down, all thought was, "Keep on fighting. Having you as my brother is my honour."