April 9th .Dark.
Yesterday, I suddenly had a chat with an old friend from Brainchild, when I was younger. He's in grade 10 now, and is trying really hard to be a doctor. It was probably because I didn't talk to him for so long that when I had to go downstairs to play piano, all I really did was think about him. His name is Jeremy. I thought that him suddenly saying 'hi' was a one time thing. But it happened again today, and I'm still talking to him right now. We've been talking the whole day. I think...I fell for him a bit. I know. I'm being such a two-timer and idiot. I already have a boyfriend. As I was having a fun time talking to Jeremy, I had a problem with my boyfriend. The worst part is is that I didn't care a whole lot about it.
During English, Carrie invited me to go for bubble tea, and I wanted to get it with her. So, as usual he was waiting for me to come out of my classroom since his was right next to mine anyways. As we were walking, I decided to say, "Carrie, Bryan, and I are going for bubble tea." Instantly his face drops. I reach for his hand. "Are you okayyyy?" in the usual cute and whiney voice that he loves to hear. He doesn't say anything. Since Carrie saw his expression, she asked, "Hey, you want to come with us?" and then he quickly said, "Is it okay?" and right when Carrie asked that, it was my turn for my face to drop down. I always see him. I always need to spend time with him. Whenever I just want to talk to my friends, I can't because when I do he gets left out since my friends don't really 'click' with him, and he's kind of anti-social. Ever since I went out with him, he always needs me to be with him because if I'm not he's all alone. It's been almost 5 months and I'm getting tired of being his little babysitter all the time. I always have to look after him because right when I don't he gets upset, like that bubble tea incident. I miss my friends. I miss the times where I don't need to care about anything and simply immerse myself with my friends carelessly. But it's all different now. When I just want a time with my friends, he complains or simply drops his face like he always does. None of ex's ever had this problem.I'm not angry at him, I just want him to understand. I told him that that bothered me today, and he got all emotional and said he needed some 'alone-time-and-thinking-it-over-time', which I really respect if he needs it. After over 6 hours or so, he said he was sorry and he's going to try harder like how I tried harder when he complained about the lack of attention I give him.
I told Jenny today how Jeremy is effecting me and my problems with my boyfriend. "You're just stressed out probably" she suggested. I hope so...because I feel like I barely care about him right now. While Jeremy...well...I'm on the mid-point of officially liking him. I know that this is wrong. I shouldn't be liking another guy while I'm already in a relationship. I feel terrible feeling this way...but it's not like I can help it. I'm trying so hard to not like Jeremy, but he's making me like him. He talked about how he really liked me when we met in math tutor...how he was able to tell me anything...how he loved my laugh...and how comfotable he felt around me...*sigh. He even said he wanted to meet me again someday. [I'm actually kind of scared of that because I don't really know if he changed into a creeper or anything...= =] I can't believe that I'm doing this to my own boyfriend. Who is trying so hard for me, and thinking about it over and over again for me. When I saw his text message saying how sorried he was, I couldn't do anything but cry. I'm sorry. Not you. I don't deserve to be your girlfriend right now. If I do fall for Jeremy, I'll be scared to admit it. I don't want to admit it. I don't want it to ever happen. I want my heart to go back where it really belongs. I'm so sorry.
No comments:
Post a Comment