Thank You...Joanna<3

Feb 25th .Snowing!?.

This whole 'Maggie' situation isn't getting any better. After that e-mail, she still won't talk to me. Chris tried to help me out and told me what he thought I should do.But at the end, I just got so angry at him. He told me that I should just say sorry to her in person, since she won't do it herself. But I was so alarmed. Why do I have to say sorry?! I already wrote her an e-mail. I already didn't say anything when she bullied me! [and it's anti-bullying week too!] I didn't fight back when she wrote mean things about me on her MSN name. I didn't spazz at her when she ignored me. I didn't argue with her when she thought that I didn't care. When Jordan was trying to defend me, Maggie said, "If you are defending Tiffany why don't you just go out with her!?" How can she say that? Just because he's not completely 100% on your side? I got so angry at Chris, because I really didn't understand. I already did everything I could and more for her, and Jordan and Chris STILL want ME to say sorry to her when I did already. She's being the bitch here. I'M the one that's being bullied.They all know it and they STILL tell ME to say sorry? She thinks that she didn't do anything wrong. She thinks that all the times where she gave me attitude that she didn't do anything wrong. Is she insane!? Is she mental!? She wants me to say sorry to her face to face? I already said sorry, and you didn't even say sorry to me. I ididn't even blame you for thinking that I didn't care, WHEN I ASKED YOU WHAT WAS WRONG. I didn't like the fact that everyone was treating her like she is a 5 year old and that I have to do everything her way. But she's NOT 5 years old, this is reality whether you like it or not. If this isn't for my friends, I really don't want to be her friend anymore. Enough is enough. I've already treated you like a 5 year old for over two weeks. I don't want to hang out with a spoiled bitchy 5 year old for the rest of my school life.

So, after I had my comversation with Chris, and leaving the conversation with anger in my chest. I knew I had to talk to Joanna, because it seems like we were getting close, and we share the same morals and values. So I decided to call her. She made me laugh so hard...I don't think I laughed this hard for a long time. She told me basically what Chris told me, but now I understand. Even if saying sorry is going to hurt my dignity, I have to do it. I'll have to see her everyday at school if I hang out with my friends. Even though I really don't care to be her friend anymore, this isn't doing any good for my marks and most importantly, my friends. I just want to get this problem over with and just say hi to her when I need to. I'll never tell her anything ever again, but at least the problem will be gone and we can at least talk in the future. After this lonnnnggg phone call with Joanna, I felt so much better. I felt like...myself again. I just want tomorrow to come faster, so I can just say sorry to Maggie and get it over with even if I don't mean it. I just want to go through school without problems and have fun with Joanna, Minmin, Feilong, Braden, Chris, and many other friends that appreciate and deserve my help. I feel like I owe Joanna a lot right now. She finally lifted me up and showed me that I do need to solve this problem, and that when I do, I'll feel so much better. Chris tried so many times to understand, but Joanna finally got to me. Although I privately ended my friendship with Maggie a few days ago, I don't feel sad at all. Because:1. She lost a good friend, while I just lost a bitch[which is awesome!]
2. She's a bitch...[I never called her that...but everything she did..I think she deserves to be called one...for once. I promise that after I type this I'll never call her one ever again.]
3. I gained a new best friend that I can connect so much better
Although I end my friendship with Maggie, I'll still help her out when she needs it. That's another promise! But for Joanna...NO MATTER HOW HARD HER PROBLEMS ARE...I'll alwats remember the day that she helped me out.
Thank you so much Joanna!!

Black and White

Feb 24 .Rainy.

To: Maggie
From: Me

Hey Maggie, It's been over week that something was wrong between us. I don't know what made you angry at me. Maybe because I didn't ask you what was wrong when you were fighting with Jordan? Well, when you were fighting with Jordan, I considered asking you what was wrong, but I thought, "If she wants to tell me, she would tell me natually." I didn't know that you wanted me to ask you what was wrong, and when I did you said that nothing was wrong. I didn't want to annoy you or keep on asking you. I knew you were already stressed out, so I didn't want to bother you even more. Personally, I hate it when some people ask me what's wrong. I know they care, but sometimes, I don't tell certain people for a reason. But Jordan actually came up to me and told me his problems, so I comforted him. It's not that I cared about him more, it's just that he told me what was wrong naturally. Maybe I should have pushed you a bit to tell me what was wrong. But throughout this whole problem, I was helping Jordan with his plans, and his confusions so you two can get back together as fast as possible. If I did do something mean to you, then I'm sorry. It's been over a week, that you wrote things on your MSN about me, over a week of ignoring me, over a week of treating me like nothing. Maybe you didn't really mean to do it, but it hurts more than you think. If I did do something, maybe I deserved a day or two of that from you, but it's been over a week, and I've tried saying hi to you, and talking to you, and it seems like nothing is working. I just want to solve this problem, before I lose you as a friend. I've already lost a lot last year, and I'm scared that I'll lose another one. I just want you to understand that I did care, and that I was trying help you and Jordan this whole time, even when you didn't notice. I finally decided to say something about this, because it's not doing any of us any good. I just want to simply say sorry if I made any trouble for you. I cared about how you were when you were in trouble, and I still do. You're my friend, why wouldn't I care? This whole thing was a misunderstanding, and I just wish that we both can just understand that. I'm sorry.

From: Maggie
To: Me

honestly , when you have something wrong in your life. the first thing i would do is ask you , ask if your okay , ask whats wrong and then try to help you calm down and relax about it. escepecially the time about you and feilong , jadie told me that you looked really sad in socials and even chris went to find me at french to tell me . The first thing i did right after school was call chris and ask you if you were okay , and whats wrong . and yet you rejected my offfer. you say its nothing and your fine. when i ask again because i know its somethng you said youll tell me later but you never did until i have to bring it up again . it makes me feel like.. im unimportant in your life.. how do you think i felt. its like.. your taking my feelings as granted. im the kind of person who doesnt randomly go and tell people whats wrong. and if you havent noticed , i just told you . and you want peoplee to come and naturually tell you what happened well why didnt you come and talk to me about when you and feillong had a problem or any of your other ones with me. it makes me think of all the things you said about us helping each other and sticking together was nothing and that you didnt mean any of it. tiffany you always say how good of a freind you are. and yet when you knoow im streesed out or just depressed shouldnt be there or like talked it out slowly with me.. i have the personality that if i face problems i tend to avoid it as long as possible before i have to confront it. im sorry that you felt like i was avoiding you but i wasnt , i just didnt want to say anything. just like this email.. i didnt want to reply because i dont want to think about it. You comforting jordan, has made jordan say that you were the only one that listens to him . you have no idea how hurt i was when i read that. i know you want to help but its between me and him . your not the only one thats hurting ,you dont think it hurts me either. argh i treat my freinds , how i want to be treated. i want someone to ask me what happens when im feeling like shit , i want someone to show that they care. and that is what im trying to do to you , i guess you dont see it. i dont want to lose you as a freind either but i cant just move on about it either. i think its best .. for both of us to have some time alone and remember the times we had together.. laughing.

For these past few days, I've been so depressed. I feel so cold inside. I feel so lonely inside. I feel like no one can understand how I feel right now, even if I try to tell someone. I got so sick and tired of my computer for once in my whole life, AND I actually loved my piano, becuase it seemed like I can somehow tell it how I feel. The pain I've felt lately. I just can't take it anymore. There were so many times where I would stare off and start vegetating and I wouldn't even notice. Yesterday, I had to walk home alone, and today I had to walk home alone too. For these two days, it's been raining. I wanted the rain to wash my bad luck away and wake me up. I brought an umbrella, and it was in my bag as I was walking back home. But I just wanted the rain to wake me up from this nightmare. Is this really happening? This month was so terrible. My eyes are still exhausted from crying last night. It's so hard to cry at home and express how I feel however I like it, but when I go to school...I have to pretend nothing is wrong. I don't want to effect my friends. I don't want them to suffer with me. Feilong doesn't know that I'm suffering. Maggie doesn't know either. No one knows, but Chris. I'm getting so tired. I feel like I lost all my emotions and feelings for all things around me. All I feel is pain in my heart. I just lost Maggie. I fought with my parents this month. I have over 4 tests coming straight at me. I find out that Feilong might have to transfer next year. I don't even know why I'm crying right now. It seems like that's the only way to let out my pain that's kept in my heart for all this time. At school, Maggie continues to ignore me, and I can't let that bug me. I can't let my friends know that I'm sad, I can't let her and everything else that's bugging me effect my marks. I have to carry on. But it's so hard to sometimes. Right when I have nothing to do, I just stare off and zone out. I feel like I'm turning into an emo person. I feel like I'm losing everyone I have. I feel like I'm on this painful journey all by myself even when I know that that isn't true. I tried so hard to put Maggie and Jordan back together, and great! They got back together! But in turn, I lose Maggie. It feels like I"m losing control of my feelings, and my goals. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know what I have anymore.

Some Things Never Change

Feb 22 .Rainy.

He might transfer to a school in Richmond. There is a course there that they offer, that they don't here. [an IB course I think?] When he told me he might go to another school after this year, my tears came pouring down. Right when he told me that, I already felt that distant separation between us. I thought we would last for a long time. I finally needed some time to let it all out and then fell asleep as I was crying. When I woke up, he told me that he might not need to go, and that no matter what he won't leave me. I really don't want him to leave, but if that course really helps him for university, I would sacrifice my wishes for his future. But I would miss him a lot. After we finished this whole topic for a day, we started to talk about how we started out together. As we were talking, I found out that it was obvious that I love him a lot more than he does for me. Which is pretty disappointing. It feels like whenever I love someone a lot, I never get the same amount of love back. I told him that I love him more than I did for my grade 7 ex, and I asked him if he liked someone more than me, and he said 'probably'. Which was pretty surprising...since I thought he would like me just as much as I like him. But I guess I was wrong. I can't lie about it, I am kinda disappointed. I don't think that there was once where I liked someone and they actually liked me back and liked me more. Why do I always have to be the idiot that would do anything for the person I like while the person I like won't do the same for me? I don't want to tell him, because I'll sound so stupid and immature. But it really does kind of hurt inside. I thought all those cards he drew and wrote, all the things he said...was actually true and that he does like me a lot. I'm his first girlfriend, and he still doesn't like me as much as his old crushes. While I love him more than my grade 7 ex, which is a lot for me to say. It kinda feels like a one-sided love right now. I guess that I'll always be the one that loves the other more. I'll always be the crazier one, the more obsessive one {not literally}, I just think it really sucks for me. Why is it always me?! I guess all those times...where I was thinking about him and I thought he was thinking about me at that exact moment...I was wrong. He probably doesn't think about me more than 5 times a day...why am I such an idiot? To give some guy everything I have? No one does that to anyone because they know that they'll get hurt. I know that too, but I can never control it. If I can go back, I rather not know how much he really liked me. I rather pretend to know like before, than know now how he really feels. He probably liked Rosalie a lot more than he does for me right now. I always feel like I can never receive the amount of love he gave her. Well...she is better than me in some areas... I always thought that he liked Rosalie a lot compared to how much he likes me now. But I just forget about it after awhile...but this just proves to me that I was right all along. I don't think I can ever match up to how much he liked Rosalie.

Nice People Just Never Gets Anything Back...

Feb 19th .Sunny.

It's been almost two weeks, and Maggie is still not talking to me. Chris is starting to not talk to me as much partly because he's stressed out with his own problems. But on top of that, ever since Maggie had that fight with Jordan, it seems like Chris is now closer to Maggie and tells Maggie more things. I'm worried that what I tell Chris...he will just tell Maggie. Today I was hanging out with Joanna in G section, playing that DS game again. When I suddenly looked up and saw Maggie give Chris eye-contact, and opened her mouth and put her finger in it...like a disgusted expression, and Chris shrugs, and Maggie smiles. What are they talking about? Me? I can't think of anyone else Maggie would do that about. Yesterday, I finally found out why Maggie is pissed at me. Apparently, I didn't care about her when she was fighting with Jordan. Hah....that's pretty funny. I didn't help? So those hours of talking to Jordan wasn't helping them out, asking Maggie what happened isn't helping them out? She told Braden, Chris, Minmin, and all these other people about the fight and not me...I thought she had her reasons of not telling me, so I backed off. Jordan was the one that came up to me and told me how he felt, and if he wants to tell me, I'll comfort him. He complained how everyone thinks that he doesn't try hard enough for Maggie, and I was the only one that finally gave him credit for what he did for her all this time. He was feeling great after. He deserved the credit. He should of gotten it a few months ago, and since Maggie wouldn't ever give the credit and on top of that complains about his gifts and his personality, I gave him the credit. What's wrong with doing that? Jordan was always upset by the fact that no one understands him. As a friend, I was there for him...

Finally, when Maggie had that mad personal message on her MSN, I remembered that when I had a emotional personal message on my MSN name, she would always ask me what's wrong, and so I decided to ask her. "Nothing." she says. "Well...if you need to talk to anyone...I'll be here...I guess I'll talk to you later." I wrote. That isn't caring? Right after that conversation, she wrote on her personal message, "Seriously don't f***ing act you care." Uh....sure...I'm sorried that I cared....or acted like I cared...? Even if I did something wrong, it's been two weeks already. Two weeks of ignoring me when I say hi, two weeks of writing negative things about me, two weeks of talking shit about me. Isn't that enough? Chris and Feilong tell me to stand up for myself and not let her kick me around, and if I can't say it, they'll say it for me. As of right now, I don't know how true and loyal Chris is to me right now. Before, I would trust him a lot, now...I really don't know. Feilong is starting to hate Maggie for what she says and how she acts around me. She would say hi to everyone around me when we see her, and she would purposely not say hi to me. She has no idea how much it hurts, when she does something like this for this long. It feels like I can't tell anyone anything these days...my trust for Chris is fading, and all I have left is Feilong. I don't want to talk too much about it to him, because I don't want him to dislike her even more. But I'm just frustrated inside. Do I really deserve this? I tried my best to help them out, and firstly, I don't get credit for it and Maggie didn't notice, and on top of that, I get bullied by her. Is that fair? Is that what I get for helping her out? Trying my best to be a good friend for her, makes my heart turn bitter.

I Just Want to See and Survive

Today, right when I got to my locker, I got a Valentines day card from him. For once, I can see it in my locker when I opened it.
He had a math thing today at lunch. I've been whining about him not being with me at lunch that day. He said he was sorried, but he needs to be responsible. So I couldn't spend time with him. I was in my media arts room with Chris, editing the film for our projectat lunch. Somone knocks on the door. He's there. After awhile, I find out that the teacher wasn't even there for the math meeting. He helped me with the project. Did God listen to our conversation and grant my wish?

I thought I had to stay at school to do my English project. But we finished at lunch and I didn't want to go back home at 3:30 like any usual day. I already told my mom before hand that I'll be late home, so why go home? I wanted to go Minmin's house at first, since it was so close. But after, Minmin had to go and I was left with him. The only place I can think of going is his house. If he went to mine, my mom would be there, and I didn' thave any excuse for him to go to my house. So we actually went by skytrain and went to his house. His dad was home. [I wasn't planning on making out with him on the couch or anything.] He told his dad we had a project. A lie. We got there at 3:40ish and we laughed at stupid 'youtube' videos, and played around with the year book. We hugged, held hands, and sat really close. We didn't make out or do anything too intimate, but today was Friday the 13th, the day of bad luck, and the day before Valentines. Bittersweet. I called my mom at 4:30 and told her I'll meet her at the mall at 5:30. It was 5:15, I call my mom. "I'll meet you at 5:45. I call my mom again. "I'll meet you at 6:20" I didn't want to leave. I really didn't want to. He offered me to eat dinner with him and his dad. I wanted to stay. I really did. But, I knew that I couldn't disturb his dad and my mom wouldn't let me. I finally left his house at 6:10. He offered to walk me to the mall. He held my hand along the way. It was getting cold, and he held my hand in his pocket. It felt warm. It was dark too. I actually felt like we were a couple...going out...in the cold crispy night..holding hands...and talking in the streets. Finally, the day ended. I walked to the mall by myself for the last block, and I saw my mom, and I went home.

I think, within this month, our relationship got a lot closer and tighter. I actually feel the tendency to almost not live without talking to him for an hour. It's Friday. Meaning that there is a whole weekend that I won't see him. But today, was all I can ask for. I thought I wouldn't be able to talk to him a lot today because of his meetings, and my project. But I actually spent 4 to 5 more hours than normal. I can't stop thinking about him. Before, I always couldn't stop thinking about him, but now it's getting to me sooo much. I love him sooo much, that it's wasting my time. But I'm loving this feeling, and I'm loving him.

I think Maggie hates me for some reason. But after awhile, I thought about it. I really don't care if anyone hates me anymore. I lose a friend and I gain a friend, I just met a new friend yesterday. On top of that, all I need to be happy is for Feilong and Chris to be by my side. They are so important in my school life. I can lose everyone else, and I still won't cry a tear because as long as I have them, my life is already bright enough for me to see and survive.

Appreciate, Before It's Too Late

Feb 11th .Dark??.

For these few days, Maggie and Jordan has been in this huge fight, that might cost their relationship. One day, they were talking on MSN, and then Jordan said 'be right back' and right when he came back, he's said 'back', and he waited for a minute or two, and no one answered and he said, 'Well I guess you don't want to talk to me, bye' and now they are angry at each other. Maggie has been telling many people about the fight, which is one thing that I don't understand. Isn't a fight in a relatinoship between you and him? Why do you have to spread it to everyone? I mean, when you're sad you'll need someone to talk to, but you don't have to tell all your friends and make them choose sides. They fought on Saturday and it's already Wednesday. If they don't solve this by themselves it's going to get harder and harder to talk...and if they don't talk they break up. Jordan just called Maggie a few hours ago and tried to solve the problem but it didn't work. I just think that Maggie should know and thank Jordan for always trying his best as a boyfriend. Jordan is still like a little kid. For a little kid to try and tell her how he feels and actually call her...that's a lot for a little kid like him. When Feilong gave me a Christmas card, Maggie got irratated at Jordan because Jordan always thinks of buying gifts for her, and why can't he just make something like Feilong. But the fact is, is that Jordan already spent over 70 bucks buying a relationship necklace. Everyone has their own way of giving a gift. Feilong draws. He buys something. She has to accept Jordan for who he is, she can't mold him to something different, because she wouldn't be loving Jordan she would be loving someone she created. Jordan told his parents that he has a girlfriend. He actually had the guts to tell his parents, and Maggie is still not appreciating what he did and still complains about his effort for this relationship. She doesn't have the guts to tell her parents herself. Many people think that Jordan doesn't try hard at all, but for a person that still acts like a 8 year old, and has trouble saying how he feels, he's already doing a lot for her. She has to understand that he's different from a normal guy. He's still a little kid inside. He's trying so hard that he's crying endlessly for her. He said he's sorried, I know that that doensn't solve everything, but at least that's a start...right? He saved up all his money to buy a necklace for her (He doesn't have allowance), he told his parents he's going out for her, he drew a card for her just becuase she was complaining, he always said sorry when he actually didn't do anything wrong, he always carried her books for her, he always called her to see if she was ok, and he didn't say a word when she made him improve each class by a whole letter each term. There are a lot more things that he did for her that I probably don't know of. But those couple of examples are enough aren't they? What else can Maggie ask for in Jordan?