Black and White

Feb 24 .Rainy.

To: Maggie
From: Me

Hey Maggie, It's been over week that something was wrong between us. I don't know what made you angry at me. Maybe because I didn't ask you what was wrong when you were fighting with Jordan? Well, when you were fighting with Jordan, I considered asking you what was wrong, but I thought, "If she wants to tell me, she would tell me natually." I didn't know that you wanted me to ask you what was wrong, and when I did you said that nothing was wrong. I didn't want to annoy you or keep on asking you. I knew you were already stressed out, so I didn't want to bother you even more. Personally, I hate it when some people ask me what's wrong. I know they care, but sometimes, I don't tell certain people for a reason. But Jordan actually came up to me and told me his problems, so I comforted him. It's not that I cared about him more, it's just that he told me what was wrong naturally. Maybe I should have pushed you a bit to tell me what was wrong. But throughout this whole problem, I was helping Jordan with his plans, and his confusions so you two can get back together as fast as possible. If I did do something mean to you, then I'm sorry. It's been over a week, that you wrote things on your MSN about me, over a week of ignoring me, over a week of treating me like nothing. Maybe you didn't really mean to do it, but it hurts more than you think. If I did do something, maybe I deserved a day or two of that from you, but it's been over a week, and I've tried saying hi to you, and talking to you, and it seems like nothing is working. I just want to solve this problem, before I lose you as a friend. I've already lost a lot last year, and I'm scared that I'll lose another one. I just want you to understand that I did care, and that I was trying help you and Jordan this whole time, even when you didn't notice. I finally decided to say something about this, because it's not doing any of us any good. I just want to simply say sorry if I made any trouble for you. I cared about how you were when you were in trouble, and I still do. You're my friend, why wouldn't I care? This whole thing was a misunderstanding, and I just wish that we both can just understand that. I'm sorry.

From: Maggie
To: Me

honestly , when you have something wrong in your life. the first thing i would do is ask you , ask if your okay , ask whats wrong and then try to help you calm down and relax about it. escepecially the time about you and feilong , jadie told me that you looked really sad in socials and even chris went to find me at french to tell me . The first thing i did right after school was call chris and ask you if you were okay , and whats wrong . and yet you rejected my offfer. you say its nothing and your fine. when i ask again because i know its somethng you said youll tell me later but you never did until i have to bring it up again . it makes me feel like.. im unimportant in your life.. how do you think i felt. its like.. your taking my feelings as granted. im the kind of person who doesnt randomly go and tell people whats wrong. and if you havent noticed , i just told you . and you want peoplee to come and naturually tell you what happened well why didnt you come and talk to me about when you and feillong had a problem or any of your other ones with me. it makes me think of all the things you said about us helping each other and sticking together was nothing and that you didnt mean any of it. tiffany you always say how good of a freind you are. and yet when you knoow im streesed out or just depressed shouldnt be there or like talked it out slowly with me.. i have the personality that if i face problems i tend to avoid it as long as possible before i have to confront it. im sorry that you felt like i was avoiding you but i wasnt , i just didnt want to say anything. just like this email.. i didnt want to reply because i dont want to think about it. You comforting jordan, has made jordan say that you were the only one that listens to him . you have no idea how hurt i was when i read that. i know you want to help but its between me and him . your not the only one thats hurting ,you dont think it hurts me either. argh i treat my freinds , how i want to be treated. i want someone to ask me what happens when im feeling like shit , i want someone to show that they care. and that is what im trying to do to you , i guess you dont see it. i dont want to lose you as a freind either but i cant just move on about it either. i think its best .. for both of us to have some time alone and remember the times we had together.. laughing.

For these past few days, I've been so depressed. I feel so cold inside. I feel so lonely inside. I feel like no one can understand how I feel right now, even if I try to tell someone. I got so sick and tired of my computer for once in my whole life, AND I actually loved my piano, becuase it seemed like I can somehow tell it how I feel. The pain I've felt lately. I just can't take it anymore. There were so many times where I would stare off and start vegetating and I wouldn't even notice. Yesterday, I had to walk home alone, and today I had to walk home alone too. For these two days, it's been raining. I wanted the rain to wash my bad luck away and wake me up. I brought an umbrella, and it was in my bag as I was walking back home. But I just wanted the rain to wake me up from this nightmare. Is this really happening? This month was so terrible. My eyes are still exhausted from crying last night. It's so hard to cry at home and express how I feel however I like it, but when I go to school...I have to pretend nothing is wrong. I don't want to effect my friends. I don't want them to suffer with me. Feilong doesn't know that I'm suffering. Maggie doesn't know either. No one knows, but Chris. I'm getting so tired. I feel like I lost all my emotions and feelings for all things around me. All I feel is pain in my heart. I just lost Maggie. I fought with my parents this month. I have over 4 tests coming straight at me. I find out that Feilong might have to transfer next year. I don't even know why I'm crying right now. It seems like that's the only way to let out my pain that's kept in my heart for all this time. At school, Maggie continues to ignore me, and I can't let that bug me. I can't let my friends know that I'm sad, I can't let her and everything else that's bugging me effect my marks. I have to carry on. But it's so hard to sometimes. Right when I have nothing to do, I just stare off and zone out. I feel like I'm turning into an emo person. I feel like I'm losing everyone I have. I feel like I'm on this painful journey all by myself even when I know that that isn't true. I tried so hard to put Maggie and Jordan back together, and great! They got back together! But in turn, I lose Maggie. It feels like I"m losing control of my feelings, and my goals. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know what I have anymore.