Your Difference

Jul. 31. .Sunny.

I thought it was just the surface. Your spine, your cheeks, your jaw. You still bite your nails. You still have this adorable obsession with penguins. But change is change. And you did. Out and in. The deep within diffusing outwards.

That's what makes you unattractive.

"That's where I'll live. Up there. The top floor."

"I didn't remember you being so arrogant. Where did you learn that from? Your new friends?"
"No I'm not arrogant. I just haven't found anything to be humble about yet."

"Yea I help my friends out during tests."

"...what? You help them cheat?"

"Well I'm their friend. I want them to pass. What if your friends needed help?"

"My friends won't need that kind of help. What if you get caught?"

"I won't get caught."

"Your friend asked you what a metaphor was."

"She just wanted to start a conversation."

"No...she left after you answered her question."

"I'm sure she knew what it meant."

They changed you, twisted you. I know that you are a nice guy, a guy that would always stand loyal. Accept all. But loyalty belongs with the deserved. They don't. I would smile for you, spread wide on my canvas. My heart would rest. But ever since I saw you again. It couldn't.

I first thought that I could help you, bring you back. But I have realized that it can't happen. You want to stay dark. Brightly shady. And you will always put them above us. Those people that only ask for answers on tests, force you for short cuts. You can shield them, protect them. But you know deep inside that they are who they are. And they are not trying to hide it themselves. So why should you try cover up who they are?

Because you are embarrassed too.

I wanted to care for you, take you in. Heal you. But you obviously don't want my warmth. And your neglect only helps me loosen my hold. Frankly, I don't want to possibly love someone like you. I'm tired of your reluctance to accept the truth. Continue to lie. Lie all by yourself. Once again. One after the other.

I thought I was being selfish. That all I wanted was your affection and attention. But I've hit another epiphany: I don't want to be put in the same level as your 'dearest' friends. I don't belong there. And I'm done trying. You live your life. Discover things yourself.

If you were stuck in any obstacles, we would always do whatever we can to save you. But your friends...? How far would they go for you? How much are they willing to give? Would they cry for you?

I would have.

Our Missing Piece

July. 20th. Cloudy.

Without a doubt, it was my day. It was my night to shed my tear of happiness. The night that I could truly thank God with my entire heart and soul. It may have been the greatest gift he has ever blessed me with. Us four.

Austin and I talked and talked. Through our fingers to our lips. But as we shared, our picture began to appear more and more different.

"Well Nancy and I kind of thought that this reunion would be like closure..."
"What? Why would you think that?!"

Because we thought that we already lost it all five years ago. And it'll end once again. But this time would be different. We would say bye with a smile. And never turn back. Nancy and I won't need to cry together under our sheets. Our blankets won't need to be our tissue anymore.

"The way you see the group and the way Nancy and I do is completely different."

"You can honestly say that you didn't make just as good friends in high school?"

"Nope. Nothing can replace grade 6."

He was speechless. He lost.

Soon, Nancy joined in. We talked nostalgically. We all missed it. Our hearts flew and searched for the past, where we belonged. And now we're fighting back, making it possible. But we struggled still. Steven didn't show up online for the past two days. It wouldn't be the same without him. Completely incomplete.

But he did that night.

"Steven, hey it's Tiffany. Nancy, Austin, and I are talking on the phone and we were wondering if you want to have a reunion, just the four of us."

"Sorry...

BUT I WOULD LOVE TO.

LET'S DO IT!"

I smiled. I smiled with my eyes, my lips, every feature on my face.

Steven joined in on the phone too. And we planned everything possible: fireworks, the beach, downtown, barbecue, the park, the aquarium...everything. All fitted in three perfect days. I can't wait to brush my toes pass the tiny particles of the beach, let the wind lift my hair, my fingers stroke the water waves. The bright art in the dark silky sky, striking and stroking.

My eyes watered. This was what was not placed correctly, the piece that was gone from my life. A chipped piece of art; a ripped curtain to my window. But I'll hold it firmly now. My hands will ball up around it, covering it with pure determination. I won't ruin things ever again. I won't let myself. Nothing is important anymore. Nothing matters. I'm willing to sacrifice everything I have ever owned for this. And I know they would too.

Travel

Jan 12. .Sunny.

I thought our lives were to branch, separate, and diverge. I blinked twice.Your face defined, body lengthened, extended. Your closeup painted unrecognizable. You can't be the same person.

Do you remember me?

Seeing you made me flashback. Travel me back to what I was, what life looked like. It was the curve of the slide, the metal finish of the monkey bars, the plastic touch of the tires. I stood there. Where the bordered rocks and my foot connected, met each other one more time. I breathed in the past air. What I missed. What was long gone, returning. In my lungs, diffused throughout my body, to the tips of my nails and toes. All simplicity.The simplicity of childhood. I can't grasp onto my memories to remember what that felt like. I was never given the moment to be a child once I left. Once I walked through the gym to reach the end, I tossed it out. And moved on.

I wonder if you still hate me...if I make you travel too...

Because you didn't respond to me with your new voice. But your eyes talked to me. They sneaked whispers.

There was no smile in them either. Just a hollow stare that scanned me. It held no sense of curiosity. It was all blank and unmarked with expression.

We were supposed to work together today. No "I" in team. But you forced it in there. Jammed it. Did not follow. Left me and the other boy talking, laughing. I invited you with a joke. It was your cue, your opportunity. But you didn't seem to thank it. We diverged again. Maybe you want to keep it that way.

I don't know what part of you is stopping from our lines to gently meet. Maybe your old anger, old sadness all reappeared when your face met mine on the first day. Maybe it's your shyness. Or I'm not even your concern anymore. That's what is stopping me. Standing there to let me face it. Stare and give it adjectives to provide a description. I've jot down nothing. That's all I see so far. But I won't and can't. I can't push with two hands. I need yours and mine.

Seems like you don't want to. I closed my eyes.

"Take me back," I said.

To You

July 10 .Sunny.

I have never regretted the two years I was with you. You gave me so much happiness...and it was all effortless. We didn't disagree. We didn't fight. Our throats didn't burn from yelling at each other. We had faith. We had trust. We believed. And no matter what terms we are in right now, I still thank you. These years have been beautiful.

I never threw you, dumped you to be all alone. I wanted you. That's why I struggled in the first place. Why can't you understand...why can't you listen...

I told you I wanted a break. I gave you a lecture with you soundless on the phone.

"Are you ok?"

"Yea. I'm fine. Bye then," you expressed happily.

Within hours, you tried to talk to me again. It was no simple talk. It was embedded with references of the past. It had complaints of the present. Depression for the future. It was sarcastic. It was angry. It was lies. Everything disgusting entering my ear was coming from the person I loved most.

Every conversation was like that.

How do you expect us to be friends...

I understand that you are angry. I understand that you are sad. I don't mind you throwing tantrums at my face. To some extent, I do believe that I deserve it. I gave you everything, and took everything away instantaneously. I know that. I don't mind being your target. But you didn't even realize throughout these weeks that I was suffering too. You didn't realize that I was letting you throw whatever you wanted to say at me. There was not even one time where I yelled at you or threw something back. You didn't notice that I was taking in your anger to my heart. I accepted it unconditionally. I did that, because I loved you. But you just kept on throwing them at me. One after the other. I took them nonetheless. But my love for you began to fade as it went on...

You kept on trying things that made it so childish. You kept on mentioning Jadie. You kept on calling me names. A player. A traitor. A liar. You kept on hating me. And then loving me. I don't know what you feel. I don't know what you want. Would you be surprised that my responses to you seem emotionless now? You're the one that stripped every purpose I had for you away.

"Just disregard what I say," you said.
Have you considered the possibility of just not saying it? How can I erase what you call me, what you accuse me of? You matter to me...Your words prick me, leave me half alive. Half dead.

You didn't give me the break that I constantly asked for, begged for. You didn't give me any respect. You only pointed fingers and tried to run away, pushing me down in the process. You only thought of what you wanted. I left you, but I didn't do any of these. I was a doll, and you were the kid. Everything you did, everything you said, I kept silent. Everything you left in the air, I captured and accepted. Even if it made me bleed.

Toys break.

You told me to do whatever makes me happy, but simultaneously, you're the one that was making me cry.

"How can you let him do that to you?" Joanna would say.
It's because I loved you.

It's these actions that changed my mind. I initially decided to stay. But it just all fell apart with your comments. I can only catch so much, lock so many in my jar. I made a sharp turn. When all you were doing was making the situations worse, he was there to make me smile. I thought you could do that very well too. I know you still can. The worst part is knowing that you chose not to.

I want you to stay. That's why I want a break. I want us to be friends. But days passed, time ticked, you seem to make that impossible. We can't fight against our own relationship and the bond that we created. A break will let our hearts rest. And then we can start over. You would have time to let go. And I would have time to recover. You can't make a plant sprout within a day. It needs to have nutrients, sunlight, and time. I'm still waiting for you to give me that.

So this journey of pain has made the image of you in my head change. You don't seem to be a person that makes me happy anymore. Only one that makes me feel bad about myself. Ashamed at what I find in me. It's frankly hard to believe...the person that painted these memories with me...years of memories...is the same one that is making me stand there. Stand motionless. And get hit.