"Lean on Me"

Oct. 26. .Clear.

It was after school. I head to Minmin's locker to get my Japanese textbook to study with when I'm get home. Benton comes by. He hands me...what seems to be Johnny's racket. I didn't understand. "Give it to Johnny for me." He said. "Ok..." I knew he had badminton practice so I knew he needed it. I head upstairs to meet up with Joanna. As she was packing up, I stand there...where his locker is. I look around. He's still not here...is he already at practice? As I was heading to G section with Joanna, I held the racket in my hand. That feeling came back again. I felt so attached to the racket...I held it...softly.

I opened the gym doors. There he was. Playing with his teammates. He looked so...cool. No one else was playing. He was in the dead centre. Everyone else is just standing there at the benches. Jadie comes by. I held out his racket. Jadie holds it, "Johnny! Your racket!" He looks up. He looks at me. I look down at his racket. He runs over, and as he runs, his teammates hit the birdie at his direction. He hits it as he runs and comes by. Effortless. "Thanks." he said to me. I smile. Completely speechless. He puts the racket at the bench and runs back to his game. I wanted to stay so badly. But I couldn't. He soon vanished to set up the nets. "Let's go." Joanna says. I look back. Still not there. I look down. We open the gym doors again, and my fingers slid past the door inch by inch.

As I was walking home, I looked at the blue sky. So many shades of blue. No trace of clouds. A breeze blows my hair. Warmth. It truely felt like God was there with me...at that very instant. He understood me...how upset and frustrated I was. He said, "It's ok." I couldn't hear it. But I felt it. "Lean on me." he said. And I realized...that it's ok that Johnny doesn't like me back for whatever reason. I just want to be in his life now. I just want to help him out whenever he needs it. I'm not looking at repayment...or a reward. I just want to help him now...nothing else. Yes, I like him. A lot. But it's ok. Because our friendship is already meaning so much to me. And I wouldn't ever want it to be damaged just because of my confession.

It just feels like everyone is so busy with their lives. No one really cares about others anymore. I don't even want to tell anyone how I feel. Joanna is busy. Jenny doesn't have time to care. Chris has so much attitude now probably because of what he has to go through everyday with volleyball and school. I don't want to stand in their way...and so I felt really upset. But feeling God's prescense today...it really opened me up again. It seemed like he said that he'll care even when no one else does. He completely understands how I feel. I start to tell Johnny how I feel about my friends and how busy they all are and the pressure at school and at home. He lends me a hand. "You can always talk to me...because I'm never busy. :)" You don't know how much that meant Johnny. You have no idea...

I was searching through some pictures on deviant...and I came across this line that someone typed out. "They were the right people, but in the wrong timing." It was for the movie "Secret". But I connected it to myself. It applies to me too doesn't it? When Johnny liked me in grade 8, it was the wrong timing. Now, in grade 10, 2 years later, it's my turn to fall for him. Maybe we are the right people...I don't know. But our timing is way off too. Maybe...just maybe one day we will meet at the right time?

With a Smile. With My Heart.

Oct. 21. .Sunny.

I almost let it all out today. Everything. After liking Johnny for over 2 weeks, I feel like it's getting harder and harder to hold in how I feel inside. I knew he doesn't feel the same. I knew it. But it's not like I cared. Yes, it hurt at first. But what do I expect? But I was also scared. I was afraid what other people would think...espicially Feilong. Even though we don't talk anymore; and even when we pass by the hallway, we pretend we don't know each other, I still don't want to hurt him once more.

Today, I went to watch Johnny, Jadie, and Huron (Don't know how to spell his name properly)play badminton at their first home game. After awhile, I see Johnny, with his professional camera. Both of our hobbies that we talked about together. At first, he didn't really let anyone hold it because it's so expensive and it belongs to his dad. But after a second attempt of asking him if I could see it, he actually took it off and handed it to me. I looked through a couple of pictures...there were a lot of pictures of Jadie... he soon asked for it back. I handed it back to him pretending nothing was wrong. After his first game (which he won), he was walking around taking pictures of anything that caught his eye. After awhile, he sat down at the far end of the gym. And since I was tired of standing there with Joanna, I decided to walk over to where my bag is. There he was. I walked up. Sat down. "Hey" he said. I put my hand out for his camera again, and we actually sat on the floor, looking at his pictures. It wasn't the most energetic conversation. But it meant a lot to me. I just wished that we could sit and talk like that once in awhile. To me, it was a conversation that didn't need much talking...but maybe to him...he thought it was boring...Then, Joanna came by with a camera, and she joined in. He soon had to play again, and this time, he let me keep holding his camera. As he was playing, I just look through his pictures. It's passion. I won't say it's the best pictures I've seen but I can tell he has a deep passion for photography. Soon, I looked over all 765 or so, pictures. Alice comes by and talks to Joanna and I. She takes the camera and fools around with it, and Joanna too. For some reason, I felt really obligated to keep it safe. I didn't want a reason for him to dislike me. He trusted me with his precious camera, and I felt like it was my job to take care of it. Even I was scared to press the buttons and hold it in my hands. But whenever I did, throughout the day, I thought in my head, "This is his passion that I'm holding onto...It's a part of him.." He comes by again, and he takes the camera and aims the lens at me. I cover my face. "You don't trust my photography skills?" He asked jokingly. No...I'm just scared about what you think about how I look. Sooner or later, Alice and her sister starts playing with it after he's done his second game. Weird. He tries to get it back from them. It's just me right? I'm just thinking things the wrong way...right?

After awhile, all the games were done, Johnny had to help this senior take a jumping picture in badminton for the school yearbook. He stood near me, crouched down, and was ready for him to jump for a smash. So professional. After awhile, the senior kept on saying it's not good enough even when it's already good enough. He began to play for fun with that senior student. Almost every time a point was earned by either side, he would look at me, and I would just shake my head with a smile. And he would do the same. With a smile.

I know that he doesn't like me back. But I always lie to myself and say that he might. He doesn't. I know it. But I feel like I'm in total denial. I still have this little urge to tell him like before, but I don't want him to like me back just because I tell him that I like him. If he was to like me...I want it to be his own will; not just because of how I feel towards him. I just can't stop thinking about him sometimes...and I don't know why. Our conversations are effortless. I don't need to come up with topics to talk about...and it feels like I haven't done that for awhile...

In the beginning, I thought that I didn't want or expect him to like me back...but now...after what Joanna said about how whenever anyone likes a person, they will always have at least a tiny urge to go out with them. I admit. I do want his feelings in return. But I know it's not right to expect him to think there is anything good about me. I might think he's great...but it doesn't mean he thinks that about me. Maybe...the reason why he doesn't like me is maybe because I'm just not good enough...or I'm just invisible to his eyes. But he's a person that I see more than with my eyes. It's my heart too.

Nothing Else.

Oct. 19. .Clear.

After a few weeks of relaxing, there are still hardships on my road...obviously...it's endless. Rebounds are starting to hit...and it's really irritating. I don't know if it's true feelings or just a one-month-thing. Joanna thinks that I like this person because he's like Feilong in several ways. And I agree...that might be a possible reason. I don't know what to do with myself. For sure, I know that I can't tell him anything. I know that he doesn't like me back. And I don't want to carry another backpack...and since he's so similar to Feilong...the same problems will probably occur. But sometimes...I'm tempted to look out the window and imagine.

I don't think that God giving me another person to like is a bad thing. I think it's a good way to shade the past. But I'm just worried about my actions...I don't want to hurt another person again. One is enough for me. I can't stand any more tears and sadness that I made for myself and for a person I really love and care about. When I told Chris he said, " What? Why him?" I don't know why either. If I got to choose I wouldn't want to like someone for at least one year. But these things aren't meant for me to decide. The last relationship was too much to handle..whether it's about the beginning or the middle of the relationship or just fighting through the end of it and releasing my grasp. But I still have that urge to tell him. Not to make him fall for me; but to just let him know how I feel deep inside. But the other side of me thinks, "What for..? It'll only make him confused and it'll only make my problem his problem too. ...I've made enough mistakes and wrong choices these weeks." I can't be greedy anymore. I know that. I've been so selfish that I even get disgusted at myself sometimes...how can I be like this? Where did I learn this from? I rather suffer a little tiny bit day by day...then make a huge problem for another person. And anyways...after I suffer a bit of bitterness I have some sweets to smile about. My friends.

Although I feel like I've completey gotten over that relationship...I still miss having a person care about me...even though I know my friends are there. But every single day...I just tell myself, "I don't need this...I'll survive." Last night, I heard my brother talking about his girlfriend. Perfection. That's what I always believed when it came to my brother's relationship with Angie. It's unconditional love. They don't need to care about what other people think. They don't need to worry about their future. All they care about is: now. And that got them through grade 9 all the way to Univeristy...it's pure love. I admit that I feel jealous. Who wouldn't be? I don't know if I'll find someone that can hold such a strong relationship with me anymore. I used to believe in it. But I'm starting to question myself. "Do I even know what I'm doing? Do I even know what is right and what is wrong?" I'm only 15. I don't know everything. I might be thinking that I'm doing everything right in a relationship...but I make mistakes too...I fall down too. And this time I fell again. Hard.

Maybe...I'm just not meant for anyone. I don't think that any guy out there will understand me or will be willing to give as much effort as I do in relationships. Maybe...I'm only meant for seeing other couples having that feeling in their heart when they are with the person they love. That feeling...that everything is perfect...that there is nothing you two can't overcome...there is nothing to stop this feeling...no matter how much time you give it. It won't melt. It won't decompose. It's there. Forever. It doesn't need air. It doesn't need any kind of fertilizer. It doesn't need anything...but that one person. That one special person that can make it all happen for you in the simplest ways. That connection was what I felt...and to let that go...was so hard. And it's not that one of us didn't feel that way anymore...it's the way the relationship was heading...My love for him didn't get worse...but the relationship was starting to head the wrong path. I just couldn't hold my tears back behind me. I knew I had to let go...no matter how hard I embraced that feeling so it stays in my heart forever...it didn't work. I knew I had to let go.

I'm not strong. I'm not brave...or heroic. I can't hold in everything. I don't want this feeling to ever come back to find me again...that's why I'm so scared now. Eleven months ago, I believed that this happiness was everlasting. I knew there would be obstacles...but I thought never could tear us to peices. Maybe our puzzle pieces don't fit after all. But it's funny because I thought they did. They seemed perfectly blended together. Was it just all my imagination? All fake...all an illusion? Or was it a beauty that only him and I saw...together?

I just want to embrace what I already have. Johnny. A bunch of friends that I wouldn't give up for the world. A school. And nothing else.

The First Day.

Oct. 8 .Sunny.

The first step began. It is the first day that I was alone. I had socials with him right in the morning. I thought, "Oh well...just sit through it and just concetrate in class." I hoped that he didn't put anything in my locker. He did. I faced my opened locker...looked at a folder that isn't mine. I look down. I can't do this. But reached up to see it. The drawing he was going to give me for our 11th month...unfinished. Tears. There better not be something in the back. There is. "Isn't it strange...for two people who love each other so much still to decide breaking up is the best thing to do?" I love him. My eyes start to drop tears down my cheeks. I really love him...but I just can't have another relationship with him...and it's hard to accept that no matter how much we love each other...those problems will just haunt us again...and we would continue with these problems that would never be solved. I don't care about people saying that our relationship goes nowhere. I don't care if they say that we don't fit together. But the only thing that hits me so hard...is that these problems will never heal...and I'll continue to carry this backpack. This heavy backpack. At some point I would have to put this backpack down...and just give up carrying it. So why don't I just let go now when I already gave it everything I have...I have this little temptation that I should just get back with him becuase I still feel like there is no one else out there that can replace him. But forcing myself to hold back from making that action really hurt. It's time to let go...

After looking at this paper...I look up again. A book...? I reached up to get it...but felt the same way as I got the paper...Why is this happening... "This has been my favourtie book ever since we came together...I don't think I'll have the courage to read it anymore...I want you to keep it..." I hurt him so much...He probably didn't sleep well...cried for hours...and thought about why I'm doing this to him...More tears. I couldn't possibly read all this and still go to Socials...and sit beside him without crying. I don't want to avoid him to make him feel even worse...but I can't do anything about it...

I call Chris and tell him to find me. Right when I see him, he opens his arms for a hug...right when I closed my eyes and put my head on his shoulder...I knew it. I just can't take this anymore. I don't know what I'm doing...or what I'm supposed to do. Soon, the principal sees and tells us to go the consellor and see what we can do about it. My counsellor wrote a note for me to go to the library and a note for an excuse why I didn't go to class. In the library, I just continued to stare at those precious memories one more time. I just couldn't stop crying. When first block was about to end, I headed to A section again. I thought that I could see my friends without tears in my eyes. It was all fine...until he came out. I wasn't sure if it was him...but I just put my head down...and my eyes start to cry once again. Jimmy, Jadie, and Minmin started getting worried and asked me what's wrong. We head to Mr. Jackson's classroom...and I thought my tears stopped. Nope. Jenny was still in the classroom she sees me in tears, and runs up to me. "You Ok?" I just stand there. Mr. Jackson turns around...and my eyes are all red and wet. "What's wrong?" he asked. "I'm sorry I didn't go to class today...I'm so sorry." I said as I was handing him the note. "You ok?" I nod. "Come to see me tomorrow and we can talk about it okay?" "Okay.." "You're going to be ok?" "Yea.." "Well..seems like you have a great bunch of friends to look after you." "Yea." They are awesome.

Gym was my next block, and Jadie started cheering me up. Lunch starts. I sit with Joanna at her locker...and I show her what he gave me. As she is talking about it, I look at the drawing again...and the words behind it. More tears. I don't know if what I'm doing is the right way anymore. All I know is that I love him still; just like what I said in my quotes...just like what I always felt in my heart. I don't think I'll ever change that quote that I wrote on the top of my blog; becuase up to now, I still look at the stars...and I still see our future together. I don't know if it'll become reality...but as long as I see it...I'm happy.

I really think that the drawing he drew is like our love for each other. It's beautiful...it's magical...everyone thinks it's pointless but us...but it has to be unfinished...maybe it can be finished in the future...I really don't know. All I know is that...I can't finish it right now. I talked to Joanna about how I still love him but I don't think continuing the relationship is the right idea. "Trust me, you'll stop liking him really soon." Will I? I think that even if I do in the future...there wil always be this feeling I have for him. Pernament. I don't know when he'll stop loving me. Which is something that scares me the most. I know we're not together anymore...and I can't expect him to still like me...but when that day comes...I would probably stare at those things he has drawn for me over and over and over again....becuase I know that he will never give me anything like that again...and he would give it to someone else he loves. "I'll never be ready to say goodbye..."