Nothing Else.

Oct. 19. .Clear.

After a few weeks of relaxing, there are still hardships on my road...obviously...it's endless. Rebounds are starting to hit...and it's really irritating. I don't know if it's true feelings or just a one-month-thing. Joanna thinks that I like this person because he's like Feilong in several ways. And I agree...that might be a possible reason. I don't know what to do with myself. For sure, I know that I can't tell him anything. I know that he doesn't like me back. And I don't want to carry another backpack...and since he's so similar to Feilong...the same problems will probably occur. But sometimes...I'm tempted to look out the window and imagine.

I don't think that God giving me another person to like is a bad thing. I think it's a good way to shade the past. But I'm just worried about my actions...I don't want to hurt another person again. One is enough for me. I can't stand any more tears and sadness that I made for myself and for a person I really love and care about. When I told Chris he said, " What? Why him?" I don't know why either. If I got to choose I wouldn't want to like someone for at least one year. But these things aren't meant for me to decide. The last relationship was too much to handle..whether it's about the beginning or the middle of the relationship or just fighting through the end of it and releasing my grasp. But I still have that urge to tell him. Not to make him fall for me; but to just let him know how I feel deep inside. But the other side of me thinks, "What for..? It'll only make him confused and it'll only make my problem his problem too. ...I've made enough mistakes and wrong choices these weeks." I can't be greedy anymore. I know that. I've been so selfish that I even get disgusted at myself sometimes...how can I be like this? Where did I learn this from? I rather suffer a little tiny bit day by day...then make a huge problem for another person. And anyways...after I suffer a bit of bitterness I have some sweets to smile about. My friends.

Although I feel like I've completey gotten over that relationship...I still miss having a person care about me...even though I know my friends are there. But every single day...I just tell myself, "I don't need this...I'll survive." Last night, I heard my brother talking about his girlfriend. Perfection. That's what I always believed when it came to my brother's relationship with Angie. It's unconditional love. They don't need to care about what other people think. They don't need to worry about their future. All they care about is: now. And that got them through grade 9 all the way to Univeristy...it's pure love. I admit that I feel jealous. Who wouldn't be? I don't know if I'll find someone that can hold such a strong relationship with me anymore. I used to believe in it. But I'm starting to question myself. "Do I even know what I'm doing? Do I even know what is right and what is wrong?" I'm only 15. I don't know everything. I might be thinking that I'm doing everything right in a relationship...but I make mistakes too...I fall down too. And this time I fell again. Hard.

Maybe...I'm just not meant for anyone. I don't think that any guy out there will understand me or will be willing to give as much effort as I do in relationships. Maybe...I'm only meant for seeing other couples having that feeling in their heart when they are with the person they love. That feeling...that everything is perfect...that there is nothing you two can't overcome...there is nothing to stop this feeling...no matter how much time you give it. It won't melt. It won't decompose. It's there. Forever. It doesn't need air. It doesn't need any kind of fertilizer. It doesn't need anything...but that one person. That one special person that can make it all happen for you in the simplest ways. That connection was what I felt...and to let that go...was so hard. And it's not that one of us didn't feel that way anymore...it's the way the relationship was heading...My love for him didn't get worse...but the relationship was starting to head the wrong path. I just couldn't hold my tears back behind me. I knew I had to let go...no matter how hard I embraced that feeling so it stays in my heart forever...it didn't work. I knew I had to let go.

I'm not strong. I'm not brave...or heroic. I can't hold in everything. I don't want this feeling to ever come back to find me again...that's why I'm so scared now. Eleven months ago, I believed that this happiness was everlasting. I knew there would be obstacles...but I thought never could tear us to peices. Maybe our puzzle pieces don't fit after all. But it's funny because I thought they did. They seemed perfectly blended together. Was it just all my imagination? All fake...all an illusion? Or was it a beauty that only him and I saw...together?

I just want to embrace what I already have. Johnny. A bunch of friends that I wouldn't give up for the world. A school. And nothing else.