Fake Promises

July 28th .Sunny.



I really don't understand. Ever since we started going out, I knew it would take a long time before he would officially introduce me to his parents. I accepted it. I understood. But sometimes I just get so irritated at myself. "Am I really a bad girl? Am I disgrace?" I know he might not want to introduce me to his parents because he's so used to be a 'good boy'...and having a relationship at this age is really bad. I understand that because when my mom says 'Your boyfriend..' I feel kind of awkward too because I've been brought up that way. But...it's kind of bugging me everytime when he can't even tell his parents that he'll hang out with his girlfriend. Every single time he goes, "I'm going over to my friend's house. " Friend. I'm just...a friend? He always tells me how much he loves me and that I'm really important to him...but he can't even say that sentence? His parents already know about me and he still can't even mention me in front of them. He would rather lie than say anything about his 'friend'. I told my mom about him. While his parents had to ask him and he admitted it. There is a difference between admitting and confessing...I just get so frustrated sometimes. I know it's something so small...but things likes these always happen and it builds up inside. He would say that he puts me in front of his parents. But his actions does not match up to what he says. He still puts his parents in front of me. I have no problem with that though. The problem is is that he says it...and I would believe him, and then he doesn't do it. If he never said it I would of never expected it. I never required him to put me in front of anything. He said it. He promised. I didn't force anything out of him. I just don't understand why he would say it and not actually mean it. If he wants to put his parents in front of me, I'm fine with it. His parents want him out of the computer, he listens without hesitation. All I can do is just say, "It's okay." Sometimes, in the pit of my stomach I feel like I'm a person he likes...but not someone he would put as even number three or four. At the end, I still force myself to believe that he puts me number one because that's what he said. That's what he told me and I believe him. I rather him just admit that he didn't mean what he said, and that he can't put me ahead of his parents. I would gladly accept that becuase he's telling me the truth and it doesn't make me expect something. I just wish he would be a bit more honest to me. If you can't do something just say you can't do it. I won't be angry. I won't be sad. I'll understand like all those other times. Just like my ex...I really like to question when guys espicially...say a promise to a girl...and then later...they just don't follow it and think it's okay. That goes for pretty much every guy I know. How can you say it and pretend that you never said it? They might take the words lightly but every single word counts to me. I'm a person that really counts on the words. Every word coming out of the person I love's mouth is in my head forever. But some reason...these things just never work when it's about guys.



I think from now on...for myself, I will just pretend that I never heard that promise he made. Forget it. If I keep on using that promise as evidence I'm just going to get more and more anger stuck inside my heart. He never said it. He never said that promise. It was just all my imagination. His number one will always be his parents. While, I am...a number. I don't know how high or low my number is, but I guess this is not a number game. It's not a game to see who is or who can be number one. And who am I to actually post this up...I already have the person I love with me...I have no right to ask for more. Enough is already good for me.

Girls and Guys

July 20 .Sunny.

Today, Joanna and I were talking about how girls these days always expect so much from their boyfriends. Thinking about the people around me...it's completely true. In those old days, it's always the guys hurting the girls. But now, in the 21st century, it seems like us girls are the heart breakers most of the time. We always think we are the best in everything. Looks, style, talent, money, just everything. So if they think they are so awesome they think they deserve the best guy out there. They can like someone so much, but right when there is something they don't like about him, it's basically over, or there is a big fight that can't be easily settled. The guys in the other hand, are just happy that they get to be with the girl that they always wanted. They would sacrfice all their time, all their money on the girl they truely love and ask for nothing in return. But the girls in the other hand, want more and more. You have to talk to me everyday, you have to call me, you have to hold my bags, you have to listen to what I say....you have to do this you have to do that. I really feel bad for the guys these days. They always give everything they have, and they get almost nothing in return and on top of that they get complaints about how they aren't doing enough. I just wish that I never turn into such a demanding person or make anyone think that I am one. After elementary school, I don't know what happened to me, but I don't think I'm pretty at all, I don't think I'm smart at all, I don't think I'm the best at anything. I remember all those times where I was so cocky in front of my best friend and now she even happily says, "I'm so glad you're not like that anymore Tiffany..." I don't think that I deserve anything. I get what I work for. I don't believe that I have the right to change my boyfriend into what I want him to be. If that was the way I treated our relationship, I wouldn't like him. I would like what I made. Patricia's MSN name was, "If you want the rainbow you have to put up with the rain." I agree. But I wouldn't agree that in a relatinoship level. That basically means that you have to work for it if you want us to be together or if you want me to love you. Last time I checked, isn't a relationship two people working together so that both will be happy and both will learn more from each other? A relationship is about two people not just one. I just feel so bad for the guys that have to suffer like that. So I start to wonder...am I just like those girls too? Do I make the people around me suffer just for my benefit? Do I ask for more and more and I don't even notice it? Do I make the person I love say or do things he doesn't want to do? I can say about these things about the girls around me..but what about me? Obviously, if I ask people, they'll just say, "No you're fine Tiffany." But honestly-speaking...am I doing things right?

Lost

July 16 .Dark.

Complete sigh. I don't know what's happening to me lately. My mom just yelled at me non-stop, but I didn't say anything when she was because i was so tired. I just cracked when she was away. She just never knows when to stop yelling. I'm so tired of Summer school, the pressure, the feeling that I miss my friends. But she said, "You have no right to sigh in front of my face. What right do you have to sigh?" I can't even sigh now. I'm tired too you know? You don't know have to go through the things I do and I don't have to go through the things you do. We all have our own hardships because we have different roles in life and separate lives. My job is to study, and yours is to look after the house. If you don't let me sigh...I'm going to go insane...

So many things have just rubbed me the wrong way that I don't have faith in me anymore. I'm supposed to always feel that God is always there with me because I'm Christian now. But...after half-way through the Summer...I don't feel him there...I feel bad to admit that because Christians always have to believe in God, and always have to continue your faith through him. I didn't even do my devotions these days because I didn't see the point. I don't feel him there. If he did...why wouldn't he be able to hear my tears and listen to the messages I'm trying to let out every single day? In the beginning, I totally felt him there. It really felt like he was there every step of the way. Even when someone that usually has time for me doesn't, he was always there...ready to listen. I counted so much on him whenever no one else was free. He guided me before I was even close to being lost. I've been waiting and waiting and waiting for him to respond back...to the point where I don't think he'll ever have time for me...No one has time to listen to me anymore...and understand what I'm going through. All they do is know what's happening...and they don't care, or they don't have the time to. So I let it out bit by bit by myself. I don't know who I can tell that would understand how I feel or what I'm going through right now or at least sit down, spend an hour to just listen. Someone that I thought would be there isn't even there...someone that I am supposed to have faith in seems to have disappeared. People always told me that God will always be there because I'm a child of God now...but where are you? Do you hear me? Am I doing something wrong? Please help me...I'm lost.

My Grip is Slipping..

July 11 .Sunny.

It won't stop. It's killing me...

Summer school has started for over a week already. I had at least a bit of confidence before it started because of the results I've had in grade 9. But...the first time I had confidence in a long time has already been crushed. We've already had a couple of tests and most of them...I've done terrible....and it's getting worse and worse. It seems like the more effort I put in it, the more the grade drops. Lower and lower...until my confidence completely dies. The first time I did bad...I vented and I let it go, becuase I know that I can't possibly ace every single test coming at me. Second time, I say to myself, "Keep strong Tiffany...just try even harder next time." Third time...I slept at 3 in the morning. Studying. I wake up at 9:30. Studying. I put my heart and soul into my studying. I gave up all my time. I read it over..and over...and over..and over again. Finally, the day comes where I have to do the final step. The test. I felt a bit of confidence creeping back to my hand which was holding my pencil..waiting for the test to be in front of me. I'm done my test. I'm confident. But...he marked it in less than 20 minutes. I get it back. Almost failed. I blinked. Hard. My eyes are so funny sometimes. Wait. No. It's true-reality. My eyes start to stop blinking..but it was soon filled with water. I hold back. I stop my tears. No one knows. What is this...I don't understand. I was speechless. Nothing. Silence. Mouth closed. Eyes down. "Hold it in...and just let it out when it's completely over." My mom was finally there...picking me up. I opened the backseat door, and just lay there...covering my face with my hair and facing the window. Tears. Pure disappointment.

Ever since Summer, I've been holding my feelings in...how much I miss him...But I knew I had to hold it back if I want to do well in Summer school. "Hold it in...if you let go, you'll crash. You'll die." I tried to focus on studying and didn't really think about how much I need him to be with me...I tried to hold that need in...the need to have him dry my tears...the need to have him kill my pain. But seeing all these bad results...all I wanted was to have him to wipe my tears away and whisper, "It's Ok.." ..even when it isn't. But all I could when this happened...was put my bag down in my room, lie in bed...and cry. No one is there wiping my tears. No voice telling my soul and heart that 'It's Ok'. This day just made me explode and give up holding in these feelings in. I miss him so much. It's taking my heart away. "It's not good enough..." the mark says. But no whisper of 'It's Ok". My tears are still not wiped. Still dripping down. I admit it now. I miss him...so much that it's taking every part of me but my tears and sadness away. Having this happen to me just reminds me how much I need him by my side no matter if it's in the Summer, or in school. I tried to not think about that in the beginning. I tried. Really tried. But this whole situation is breaking me down. It's out of my control. I'm about to go insane. I'm about to let go. My grip is loosening. I'm falling.