Lost

July 16 .Dark.

Complete sigh. I don't know what's happening to me lately. My mom just yelled at me non-stop, but I didn't say anything when she was because i was so tired. I just cracked when she was away. She just never knows when to stop yelling. I'm so tired of Summer school, the pressure, the feeling that I miss my friends. But she said, "You have no right to sigh in front of my face. What right do you have to sigh?" I can't even sigh now. I'm tired too you know? You don't know have to go through the things I do and I don't have to go through the things you do. We all have our own hardships because we have different roles in life and separate lives. My job is to study, and yours is to look after the house. If you don't let me sigh...I'm going to go insane...

So many things have just rubbed me the wrong way that I don't have faith in me anymore. I'm supposed to always feel that God is always there with me because I'm Christian now. But...after half-way through the Summer...I don't feel him there...I feel bad to admit that because Christians always have to believe in God, and always have to continue your faith through him. I didn't even do my devotions these days because I didn't see the point. I don't feel him there. If he did...why wouldn't he be able to hear my tears and listen to the messages I'm trying to let out every single day? In the beginning, I totally felt him there. It really felt like he was there every step of the way. Even when someone that usually has time for me doesn't, he was always there...ready to listen. I counted so much on him whenever no one else was free. He guided me before I was even close to being lost. I've been waiting and waiting and waiting for him to respond back...to the point where I don't think he'll ever have time for me...No one has time to listen to me anymore...and understand what I'm going through. All they do is know what's happening...and they don't care, or they don't have the time to. So I let it out bit by bit by myself. I don't know who I can tell that would understand how I feel or what I'm going through right now or at least sit down, spend an hour to just listen. Someone that I thought would be there isn't even there...someone that I am supposed to have faith in seems to have disappeared. People always told me that God will always be there because I'm a child of God now...but where are you? Do you hear me? Am I doing something wrong? Please help me...I'm lost.