July 11 .Sunny.
It won't stop. It's killing me...
Summer school has started for over a week already. I had at least a bit of confidence before it started because of the results I've had in grade 9. But...the first time I had confidence in a long time has already been crushed. We've already had a couple of tests and most of them...I've done terrible....and it's getting worse and worse. It seems like the more effort I put in it, the more the grade drops. Lower and lower...until my confidence completely dies. The first time I did bad...I vented and I let it go, becuase I know that I can't possibly ace every single test coming at me. Second time, I say to myself, "Keep strong Tiffany...just try even harder next time." Third time...I slept at 3 in the morning. Studying. I wake up at 9:30. Studying. I put my heart and soul into my studying. I gave up all my time. I read it over..and over...and over..and over again. Finally, the day comes where I have to do the final step. The test. I felt a bit of confidence creeping back to my hand which was holding my pencil..waiting for the test to be in front of me. I'm done my test. I'm confident. But...he marked it in less than 20 minutes. I get it back. Almost failed. I blinked. Hard. My eyes are so funny sometimes. Wait. No. It's true-reality. My eyes start to stop blinking..but it was soon filled with water. I hold back. I stop my tears. No one knows. What is this...I don't understand. I was speechless. Nothing. Silence. Mouth closed. Eyes down. "Hold it in...and just let it out when it's completely over." My mom was finally there...picking me up. I opened the backseat door, and just lay there...covering my face with my hair and facing the window. Tears. Pure disappointment.
Ever since Summer, I've been holding my feelings in...how much I miss him...But I knew I had to hold it back if I want to do well in Summer school. "Hold it in...if you let go, you'll crash. You'll die." I tried to focus on studying and didn't really think about how much I need him to be with me...I tried to hold that need in...the need to have him dry my tears...the need to have him kill my pain. But seeing all these bad results...all I wanted was to have him to wipe my tears away and whisper, "It's Ok.." ..even when it isn't. But all I could when this happened...was put my bag down in my room, lie in bed...and cry. No one is there wiping my tears. No voice telling my soul and heart that 'It's Ok'. This day just made me explode and give up holding in these feelings in. I miss him so much. It's taking my heart away. "It's not good enough..." the mark says. But no whisper of 'It's Ok". My tears are still not wiped. Still dripping down. I admit it now. I miss him...so much that it's taking every part of me but my tears and sadness away. Having this happen to me just reminds me how much I need him by my side no matter if it's in the Summer, or in school. I tried to not think about that in the beginning. I tried. Really tried. But this whole situation is breaking me down. It's out of my control. I'm about to go insane. I'm about to let go. My grip is loosening. I'm falling.
It won't stop. It's killing me...
Summer school has started for over a week already. I had at least a bit of confidence before it started because of the results I've had in grade 9. But...the first time I had confidence in a long time has already been crushed. We've already had a couple of tests and most of them...I've done terrible....and it's getting worse and worse. It seems like the more effort I put in it, the more the grade drops. Lower and lower...until my confidence completely dies. The first time I did bad...I vented and I let it go, becuase I know that I can't possibly ace every single test coming at me. Second time, I say to myself, "Keep strong Tiffany...just try even harder next time." Third time...I slept at 3 in the morning. Studying. I wake up at 9:30. Studying. I put my heart and soul into my studying. I gave up all my time. I read it over..and over...and over..and over again. Finally, the day comes where I have to do the final step. The test. I felt a bit of confidence creeping back to my hand which was holding my pencil..waiting for the test to be in front of me. I'm done my test. I'm confident. But...he marked it in less than 20 minutes. I get it back. Almost failed. I blinked. Hard. My eyes are so funny sometimes. Wait. No. It's true-reality. My eyes start to stop blinking..but it was soon filled with water. I hold back. I stop my tears. No one knows. What is this...I don't understand. I was speechless. Nothing. Silence. Mouth closed. Eyes down. "Hold it in...and just let it out when it's completely over." My mom was finally there...picking me up. I opened the backseat door, and just lay there...covering my face with my hair and facing the window. Tears. Pure disappointment.
Ever since Summer, I've been holding my feelings in...how much I miss him...But I knew I had to hold it back if I want to do well in Summer school. "Hold it in...if you let go, you'll crash. You'll die." I tried to focus on studying and didn't really think about how much I need him to be with me...I tried to hold that need in...the need to have him dry my tears...the need to have him kill my pain. But seeing all these bad results...all I wanted was to have him to wipe my tears away and whisper, "It's Ok.." ..even when it isn't. But all I could when this happened...was put my bag down in my room, lie in bed...and cry. No one is there wiping my tears. No voice telling my soul and heart that 'It's Ok'. This day just made me explode and give up holding in these feelings in. I miss him so much. It's taking my heart away. "It's not good enough..." the mark says. But no whisper of 'It's Ok". My tears are still not wiped. Still dripping down. I admit it now. I miss him...so much that it's taking every part of me but my tears and sadness away. Having this happen to me just reminds me how much I need him by my side no matter if it's in the Summer, or in school. I tried to not think about that in the beginning. I tried. Really tried. But this whole situation is breaking me down. It's out of my control. I'm about to go insane. I'm about to let go. My grip is loosening. I'm falling.
1 comment:
Stay strong Tiffany, I know summer school can be rough, but I also know that you can fight through it. Be healthy and happy, and call me when you need someone.
Post a Comment