Happy Graduation

These couple weeks have demonstrated to me what high school really is.

A place where friendships are made and torn. People walking around masked and unmasked. Seeking for acceptance and sending out rejection. It's heart break.

This grad dinner has revealed who I am surrounded with in this building.

I looked at you and waited for your apology. But I only receive a blank stare in return. Thanks. Now get out of my life.

"I'll just try to find a seat at a table for you, maybe at a table near mine."
Why thank you. Because I live my life to just be around you. I am simply a charity you are donating to. Wake up.

How can you both choose your boyfriends and act like there is nothing wrong. I understand. It's not your problem anymore, but only mine. My concern, and your solution. Because a relationship built within half a year defines your five years of being in high school better than a friendship solidified and embroidered delicately with memories for four years. But both of you just discussed among yourselves, reaching a mutual agreement and ditched the idea of making our table work. Evidently, there was no consideration in regards to me. Both of you have your boyfriends to run to. Who do I run to? Eric isn't there to protect me, or shelter me. I'm your friend aren't I? Shouldn't either one of you realize that maybe, just maybe, that I need to be included in this issue? What did you think...that I'll figure it out myself when I go to the dinner and realize that my seat is actually in the far right corner with random strangers?

And the day after this, you act like nothing is wrong. You both just ignore me, waiting for me to be the first to reach out. Let's refresh our memory: I'm the one in pain. I'm the one that got left behind. You should do the U-turn, and try to find me. I won't chase a car, knowing that I am already limping in pain and completely stunned about what you two have done. You two drove away. Sped and didn't look back.

Happy Graduation.

This whole arrangement showed me that when there is a time where we, as an entire grade, need to gather up in the groups of ten, I have nowhere to go to. My friends that I expected to be right behind me, left before I even turned back to check. Embarrassment is only a description with accuracy if it is used to depict the tip of my emotions. I don't know how to tell my new boyfriend. That his girlfriend is actually one that is not especially welcomed or loved at school. But one that chooses to shut people out, resulting in an embarrassing situation such as this.

It makes me question.

Should I just be immature? Should I just fake and lie? Because it seems like my rejection towards those questions are the main reason why I struggle to find friends in high school. Instead of partying every week, I choose to study by myself, synchronized with my music plugged into my ears. That's all I thought I needed. I thought I just needed to count on myself. That's what my mom always told me. But when these social events come up, I, me, and myself will not suffice. Unfortunately, each of my textbooks can't be considered a member of my own group.

And this whole fiasco only makes me more paranoid, even more sensitive, timid. Even the people I have decided to really trust have tricked me. So who will do so next?

I'm so exhausted. I've tried so hard to limit my friends to the barest. To a point where I almost don't have any friends. And I still end up the one in pain. The one in regret and disappointment.