Torn

Who am I?

These past months have been the hardest of my life. I've lost almost everything. 

There are only miles between us. Although we still try to make ends meet, nothing is the same anymore. We are no longer together. I always thought that all I never needed anyone in high school. Just my brain, my grades. I don't even know what those mean anymore. 

Walking alone in the cold, ears stuffed with my earphones. I just don't want to think about anything. I'm too scared to let my mind wander. So I strapped it. Tied it down. Lied to it. My mouth, taped. Muted. I have nothing to share. Nothing to express. I thought I was like that in high school. Proven wrong once again.

I take it, and leave. 

The thought of getting kicked out of school does not scare me. I walk blindly everyday anyways. I feel so helpless. People constantly tell me to not worry, that I can do it. Once the competition has been opened up to me, I notice how insignificant I am. My marks are. How stupid I am. 

Eric sometimes highlights that stupidity to me. I thought I would never think like this. I believed that there is no reason to question why someone would pick another to be his or her partner. But like everything else I believed, I lost it. After many years of high school, I finally hit my climax in confidence in regards to my capabilities. I took so long to build that. But university rip this apart for me. 

Start over.

Intelligence has, once again, become a sensitive area. I used take pride in my maturity, my wisdom. I know I am a lot smarter than most my age. But with Eric, both of my academic and social pride has been hushed, defying everything that I thought was real. 

What can I say. If I am proven wrong, I can only stand there motionless. Take it and leave. 

"Your mom was complimenting you so much to her friends last night. She knows that her daughter is filled with determination and expectations. She knows that you know how to deal with any type of situations and act appropriately. She is so proud of you," my aunt whispered on the phone.

I don't know who my mom is describing. 

I wish I can be this girl. 

I remember that  my parents was my greatest motivation. My love for them. Their love for me. I wanted to them to make their sacrifices worthwhile. Make them proud. I would work so hard. I forgot why I would. 

I lost my identity. I lost my reason. 

Why continue...