Reluctance towards the future. That's me.
The final year is almost here. It seems like life for me will never be the same past that point.
"I'm most probably going to the states."
"I'm going to SFU."
"I'm not sure what I want to be yet..."
This is what scares me.
Should I be happy for them? Or should I be disappointed that their choice may cost our friendship? I can already feel it evaporating from my skin. Left dry like a desert. Swept up by the wind. Unable to breathe.
It seems like all my friends are heading to opposite directions. Away from me. Does that mean that I'll lose them...? How do I keep the edges of my fingers covered...
The past is painful. The future is horrifying. I don't want to be put into a new environment. I don't want to be in a place where I bleed, where I cry. I want to stay at home. Perfection. But university will soon be my new home. My home will become my occasional hotel. Coming in, Going out. More going out, than returning.
I don't want my friends to be stripped away from me. One by one.
I just wonder how I would live...
How would my friendships shift and alter...How will my relationship dissolve...
The difficulty with the future: its unpredictability. Although the relationship can be held strongly now... it can still snap. It can still create two separate pieces. Disconnected forever. Nothing can erase that reality. Our lives will surely be occupied, and not with each other. It'll soon drift independently. Gently. Slowly. Painlessly separated. How can I move it to a constant stage...unchanging. Unbreakable. Captured by his lens. It's something delicate, which I love. But I want it to be firm. Both delicate and firm.
It's because of this relationship...the future scares me even more. It offers it's counterfeit promises. It carries secrets, anticipating to be exploded when eyes are sealed, in rest. And there is no way to escape. No short cuts. Take it, or leave it. Feelings can never change my future. If it could...
My feelings wouldn't just be able to make me draw personal messages. Only my mind can comprehend those. Only my heart can flow out these pains, release these smiles, reveal those happiness brought by Johnny. My emotional self is responsible for my creatures.
My world would be completely made by my heart. Each tile would be hand-crafted. Each flower will represent my days. Each star will symbolize my dreams. Everything will be infused with a meaning. Each will tell a story. All would be made entirely with my feelings. Disastrous and Beautiful. Imperfect but Perfect.
But nonetheless, I am just another one of Future's puppets. We all are.
