Dear Eric

Jan 30th .Dark.

I've admired you ever since I rested my eyes on you. But I also knew, at that exact moment, that nothing will ever bring us two together. So I continued on.

You always tend to strip my confidence away.

Your intelligence,

Your generosity,

Your loyalty...

We have at least six years between us. Six long years. That is the one and only thing that will never enable me to tell you what I have felt for you for all these years. I have no chance.

Every time I met up with you, I still felt that my heart fluttering. One year after the other.

You always kept your promises to me. And as disappointing as it sounds...no one else has been able to do that for me so far. You are never worried about losing any benefits for yourself. You just unconditionally help others with what you have. That is what I admire most about you.

You always say that I'm a sister to you. But to be honest, I never felt that type of love for you. I always felt more. But a seat at one of round tables for your wedding already has my name on it. I am not the one standing next to you, hand in hand, my fourth finger married to your ring for life. On that day, I'll take my fake smile out. And paste it on. I will do that for you.

Even beyond math tutor, we kept in contact. You continued to teach me, putting your arms over me and onto the table. And put me above your own studies when I struggled to tears with mine. Throughout all these years, you were always the one that preserved our relationship. I didn't know when was the right time that wouldn't bother you. Like I was stopping you from your life, your group of friends and degrading you to my age range. I didn't want that.

You make me ashamed of my age. Being the age I am, I am given no chance to have you. I have no hope but declination. And taking the risk of telling you the truth is too much for me. I don't think I will have the courage to see you ever again after accepting your rejection.

So whoever you are waiting for, I hope that that girl knows that she is the luckiest person in the world to have you. She has the luxury of having that in her life.

To me, it'll always be a dream.

Rewarded

Jan 24th 2012 .Rainy.

"You are Tiffany Sit right?"

"Yea...why?"

"Oh just to let you know you are one of the eight students that is given the chance to get the UBC Major Entrance Scholarship."

I am finally rewarded.

From the age of six, it was engrained in my brain that I will never be the model, or the number one. I never really thirsted for solid evidence for arrogance. All I wanted was to be recognized. Even for just a second.

My mom was in such pain when I was younger. All my best friends were smarter, more talented. They took whatever I started on, and made it unbelievably better. This left me nothing but in tears. But I never let them go, past my waterline. They were the only friends I had, and cutting our ties would mean that I have no one. My mom would have no one. I grew to be ashamed of who I was. I was embarrassed by my lack of intelligence. My incapabilities; like I was diagnosed with a incurable disease and had a life numbered. Things had to be made simpler for me in comparison, because I couldn't handle the complexity of the content. And no one helped me. Or given me a second chance or tried to explain it to me one more time. My mom silently digested the pain as well and continued. She didn't want to strip me from my friends and leave hers. I was permanently marked with stupidity.

This nomination is not a chance to get the scholarship. This is already the award. Throughout high school, I've concluded that no one cares about my marks. Because there are always people beside me that are equally or even more academically achieved. And everyone would run their attention towards the best, regardless of the effort used to create the result. I've learned that in life, no one cares about effort or diligence. They only care about the final product. So I've learned to shut up, and flick out the hope that a response will return to me. And I soon accepted that I should just learn for myself, and never seek for any sort of pause from my peers. But this means that someone is watching over me, and noticing my accomplishments. Believing in my capabilities. For once in my life, I don't feel mentally handicapped.

This nomination is proof. I'm not useless anymore. All the nights I stayed up for, all the tears I have shed, all the scribbles marked and erased...it all came back to me. My mom and I do not have to be ashamed anymore. She can be proud.

I have no strong desire to actually get 5,000 to 40,000 from UBC. To me, that is not what I have always wanted. I wanted that smile. I wanted that respect for my intellect. I wanted to be considered as a force. One that never stops, or fails to continue. And that form I received contained all that. All the tender pain summed up in those papers.

I never blamed God for my intelligence. I know that I can be smart when I act upon it. I also know that I can fail a test if I don't study. Studying in an environment with so many naturally intelligent people, I never questioned. I continued to work with what I was given, because that is all I have. My life will not be carved by myself. This recognition is for my teachers, my dad, my mom. Telling them that I have not thrown their sacrifices away, or rot their actions to regret. I have breathed in every single thing they have done, and used them to its fullest potential.

This is for you. Thank you.