Time is Ticking

Feb. 10th. 2012

You have said and promised. I truly believed you, and waited. But as time grew our conversations apart, I have realized that we have created something so complex. It's not just between us two. I can't confess as I please, demand as I urge to. My brother is your friend. And if I demand an answer, I'm not only putting our friendship at risk, but my brother's as well. I've learned from the start, that I must fight human nature. Selfishness can only lead to regret.

I've liked you from the start. But I've also known at that moment there was one solution. Only separation and distance. And now that I know that we have this spark. This one chance...

I've met a lot of guys after that moment. I've learned to shut you away. Force myself to only think of you as someone I really treasure. Nothing else. I couldn't hold any type of expectation against you. I moved on and found other people. But no one could compare. It was everything about you. Your act of giving, your smile, your humbled intelligence...

But as time continues, people will come and go. And they might change me. If I don't know now, I'm afraid that how I feel will dissipate to the air. Leaving nothing left. I don't want someone else to enter. I just want you and I to stay here. And even if I wait for you, you might be waiting for someone else. And the happiness I've felt when you texted me, messaged me, promised me, will be worthless. They would no longer hold the intentions I thought they did. And I will have to disappear from you. Even if you find someone else, married, I will still look at you the same way I did when I met you. That won't ever change. This feeling that felt so sincere and warm, would be labelled wrong, as a scandel.

This is why it is painful. I have to continue to hold my breath as I drown. Starve to death. I won't be able to do what I want to do. I just have sit here. And wait. There is no marked date, nothing to look forward to. I just have to continue, without knowing what is going to be in front of me, staring at me in the eye. I don't know if it is worth it.

I like you. But what can I do with this 'like'? Let it rest, and wait for your nurture?

It's waiting. Time is ticking.

Dear Eric

Jan 30th .Dark.

I've admired you ever since I rested my eyes on you. But I also knew, at that exact moment, that nothing will ever bring us two together. So I continued on.

You always tend to strip my confidence away.

Your intelligence,

Your generosity,

Your loyalty...

We have at least six years between us. Six long years. That is the one and only thing that will never enable me to tell you what I have felt for you for all these years. I have no chance.

Every time I met up with you, I still felt that my heart fluttering. One year after the other.

You always kept your promises to me. And as disappointing as it sounds...no one else has been able to do that for me so far. You are never worried about losing any benefits for yourself. You just unconditionally help others with what you have. That is what I admire most about you.

You always say that I'm a sister to you. But to be honest, I never felt that type of love for you. I always felt more. But a seat at one of round tables for your wedding already has my name on it. I am not the one standing next to you, hand in hand, my fourth finger married to your ring for life. On that day, I'll take my fake smile out. And paste it on. I will do that for you.

Even beyond math tutor, we kept in contact. You continued to teach me, putting your arms over me and onto the table. And put me above your own studies when I struggled to tears with mine. Throughout all these years, you were always the one that preserved our relationship. I didn't know when was the right time that wouldn't bother you. Like I was stopping you from your life, your group of friends and degrading you to my age range. I didn't want that.

You make me ashamed of my age. Being the age I am, I am given no chance to have you. I have no hope but declination. And taking the risk of telling you the truth is too much for me. I don't think I will have the courage to see you ever again after accepting your rejection.

So whoever you are waiting for, I hope that that girl knows that she is the luckiest person in the world to have you. She has the luxury of having that in her life.

To me, it'll always be a dream.