"You just don't want to."

March 11 2011 .Rainy.

I know I have to understand it soon. Accept it.

"You should really stop being so negative." David said.

I hesitated.

"I tried...but I just can't stop it."

"You just don't want to."

We continued. With no further discussion. He occasionally made his silly surprised face to make my smile lift. But I just couldn't accept that my dearest four percent of my physics mark that I worked so hard for to just disappear. Evaporated. Thin air. All those weeks I've spent to maintain it, make it mine. Gone in one exam. And it's not that I didn't get it. I knew all the material. But as always, I was suffering from my dilemma again. Stupid mistakes. Mistakes I can't forgive myself.

As I'm typing these words down in front of my mom's laptop, my legs in sweats, criss crossed. Sweet sour lemon water beside me. I know that what I make myself suffer through is too harsh, too much. No one is working against me or disappointed at me. But myself. It's always like that. I'll always be me. I still don't know if I can run with that fact taped on my forehead proudly. The fact that I can't outrun certain people makes me embarrassed. Incapable.

I know I'm wrong. I know that I am human. Living. Breathing. We all have limits. But for some reason, I always want to believe that I'm immortal, that I don't make mistakes. I'm not human. A human with inhuman thoughts.

My mind: emotional, irrational, unforgivable, impatient.

It is divided. One is filled with harsh critics. Pointing fingers at me. Unsatisfied with what I have to offer. Making me feel like nothing. Nothing more. Just nothing. They've seen everything. Every angle of me. Every imperfection. They pick on it like a scab. Until it oozes. This side makes me hide, find escapism. This side is also impatient with others. It's sick of stupid questions asked. It's tired of helping others. I don't know how to give anymore. I don't know what to do with praise anymore. This is the powerful one. The one no one ever sees. But it devours me. Without me whimpering. Because I know that it's over. I'll always lose to this side of me. It's so dark. I can't see.

The other is the one that everyone knows, loves or hates. The cheerful one, the one that smiles and laughs. The one that adores fashion, makeup, inner and outer style. Simple minded. One teenage girl that no one will question. No one would ever believe that this same girl has a mind that wants to kill. Because she doesn't love herself. She doesn't know how. She thinks that she is the biggest failure she has ever met. She's mentally retarded to not get 100%. 98% is not good. Not even close. Far. Far away. No one will accept her if she isn't hundred. A billion. Everything out there.

I know I have to rip down these sides. Destroy all. Restart this game. But how can I fight against this. Something so personal...so delicate. I'm on my own. I need to find humanity. I need to find me.