Feb 22 .Rainy.He might transfer to a school in Richmond. There is a course there that they offer, that they don't here. [an IB course I think?] When he told me he might go to another school after this year, my tears came pouring down. Right when he told me that, I already felt that distant separation between us. I thought we would last for a long time. I finally needed some time to let it all out and then fell asleep as I was crying. When I woke up, he told me that he might not need to go, and that no matter what he won't leave me. I really don't want him to leave, but if that course really helps him for university, I would sacrifice my wishes for his future. But I would miss him a lot. After we finished this whole topic for a day, we started to talk about how we started out together. As we were talking, I found out that it was obvious that I love him a lot more than he does for me. Which is pretty disappointing. It feels like whenever I love someone a lot, I never get the same amount of love back. I told him that I love him more than I did for my grade 7 ex, and I asked him if he liked someone more than me, and he said 'probably'. Which was pretty surprising...since I thought he would like me just as much as I like him. But I guess I was wrong. I can't lie about it, I am kinda disappointed. I don't think that there was once where I liked someone and they actually liked me back and liked me more. Why do I always have to be the idiot that would do anything for the person I like while the person I like won't do the same for me? I don't want to tell him, because I'll sound so stupid and immature. But it really does kind of hurt inside. I thought all those cards he drew and wrote, all the things he said...was actually true and that he does like me a lot. I'm his first girlfriend, and he still doesn't like me as much as his old crushes. While I love him more than my grade 7 ex, which is a lot for me to say. It kinda feels like a one-sided love right now. I guess that I'll always be the one that loves the other more. I'll always be the crazier one, the more obsessive one {not literally}, I just think it really sucks for me. Why is it always me?! I guess all those times...where I was thinking about him and I thought he was thinking about me at that exact moment...I was wrong. He probably doesn't think about me more than 5 times a day...why am I such an idiot? To give some guy everything I have? No one does that to anyone because they know that they'll get hurt. I know that too, but I can never control it. If I can go back, I rather not know how much he really liked me. I rather pretend to know like before, than know now how he really feels. He probably liked Rosalie a lot more than he does for me right now. I always feel like I can never receive the amount of love he gave her. Well...she is better than me in some areas... I always thought that he liked Rosalie a lot compared to how much he likes me now. But I just forget about it after awhile...but this just proves to me that I was right all along. I don't think I can ever match up to how much he liked Rosalie.
Feb 19th .Sunny.It's been almost two weeks, and Maggie is still not talking to me. Chris is starting to not talk to me as much partly because he's stressed out with his own problems. But on top of that, ever since Maggie had that fight with Jordan, it seems like Chris is now closer to Maggie and tells Maggie more things. I'm worried that what I tell Chris...he will just tell Maggie. Today I was hanging out with Joanna in G section, playing that DS game again. When I suddenly looked up and saw Maggie give Chris eye-contact, and opened her mouth and put her finger in it...like a disgusted expression, and Chris shrugs, and Maggie smiles. What are they talking about? Me? I can't think of anyone else Maggie would do that about. Yesterday, I finally found out why Maggie is pissed at me. Apparently, I didn't care about her when she was fighting with Jordan. Hah....that's pretty funny. I didn't help? So those hours of talking to Jordan wasn't helping them out, asking Maggie what happened isn't helping them out? She told Braden, Chris, Minmin, and all these other people about the fight and not me...I thought she had her reasons of not telling me, so I backed off. Jordan was the one that came up to me and told me how he felt, and if he wants to tell me, I'll comfort him. He complained how everyone thinks that he doesn't try hard enough for Maggie, and I was the only one that finally gave him credit for what he did for her all this time. He was feeling great after. He deserved the credit. He should of gotten it a few months ago, and since Maggie wouldn't ever give the credit and on top of that complains about his gifts and his personality, I gave him the credit. What's wrong with doing that? Jordan was always upset by the fact that no one understands him. As a friend, I was there for him...Finally, when Maggie had that mad personal message on her MSN, I remembered that when I had a emotional personal message on my MSN name, she would always ask me what's wrong, and so I decided to ask her. "Nothing." she says. "Well...if you need to talk to anyone...I'll be here...I guess I'll talk to you later." I wrote. That isn't caring? Right after that conversation, she wrote on her personal message, "Seriously don't f***ing act you care." Uh....sure...I'm sorried that I cared....or acted like I cared...? Even if I did something wrong, it's been two weeks already. Two weeks of ignoring me when I say hi, two weeks of writing negative things about me, two weeks of talking shit about me. Isn't that enough? Chris and Feilong tell me to stand up for myself and not let her kick me around, and if I can't say it, they'll say it for me. As of right now, I don't know how true and loyal Chris is to me right now. Before, I would trust him a lot, now...I really don't know. Feilong is starting to hate Maggie for what she says and how she acts around me. She would say hi to everyone around me when we see her, and she would purposely not say hi to me. She has no idea how much it hurts, when she does something like this for this long. It feels like I can't tell anyone anything these days...my trust for Chris is fading, and all I have left is Feilong. I don't want to talk too much about it to him, because I don't want him to dislike her even more. But I'm just frustrated inside. Do I really deserve this? I tried my best to help them out, and firstly, I don't get credit for it and Maggie didn't notice, and on top of that, I get bullied by her. Is that fair? Is that what I get for helping her out? Trying my best to be a good friend for her, makes my heart turn bitter.
