July 28th .Sunny.
I really don't understand. Ever since we started going out, I knew it would take a long time before he would officially introduce me to his parents. I accepted it. I understood. But sometimes I just get so irritated at myself. "Am I really a bad girl? Am I disgrace?" I know he might not want to introduce me to his parents because he's so used to be a 'good boy'...and having a relationship at this age is really bad. I understand that because when my mom says 'Your boyfriend..' I feel kind of awkward too because I've been brought up that way. But...it's kind of bugging me everytime when he can't even tell his parents that he'll hang out with his girlfriend. Every single time he goes, "I'm going over to my friend's house. " Friend. I'm just...a friend? He always tells me how much he loves me and that I'm really important to him...but he can't even say that sentence? His parents already know about me and he still can't even mention me in front of them. He would rather lie than say anything about his 'friend'. I told my mom about him. While his parents had to ask him and he admitted it. There is a difference between admitting and confessing...I just get so frustrated sometimes. I know it's something so small...but things likes these always happen and it builds up inside. He would say that he puts me in front of his parents. But his actions does not match up to what he says. He still puts his parents in front of me. I have no problem with that though. The problem is is that he says it...and I would believe him, and then he doesn't do it. If he never said it I would of never expected it. I never required him to put me in front of anything. He said it. He promised. I didn't force anything out of him. I just don't understand why he would say it and not actually mean it. If he wants to put his parents in front of me, I'm fine with it. His parents want him out of the computer, he listens without hesitation. All I can do is just say, "It's okay." Sometimes, in the pit of my stomach I feel like I'm a person he likes...but not someone he would put as even number three or four. At the end, I still force myself to believe that he puts me number one because that's what he said. That's what he told me and I believe him. I rather him just admit that he didn't mean what he said, and that he can't put me ahead of his parents. I would gladly accept that becuase he's telling me the truth and it doesn't make me expect something. I just wish he would be a bit more honest to me. If you can't do something just say you can't do it. I won't be angry. I won't be sad. I'll understand like all those other times. Just like my ex...I really like to question when guys espicially...say a promise to a girl...and then later...they just don't follow it and think it's okay. That goes for pretty much every guy I know. How can you say it and pretend that you never said it? They might take the words lightly but every single word counts to me. I'm a person that really counts on the words. Every word coming out of the person I love's mouth is in my head forever. But some reason...these things just never work when it's about guys.
I think from now on...for myself, I will just pretend that I never heard that promise he made. Forget it. If I keep on using that promise as evidence I'm just going to get more and more anger stuck inside my heart. He never said it. He never said that promise. It was just all my imagination. His number one will always be his parents. While, I am...a number. I don't know how high or low my number is, but I guess this is not a number game. It's not a game to see who is or who can be number one. And who am I to actually post this up...I already have the person I love with me...I have no right to ask for more. Enough is already good for me.
