Oct. 19. .Clear.
After a few weeks of relaxing, there are still hardships on my road...obviously...it's endless. Rebounds are starting to hit...and it's really irritating. I don't know if it's true feelings or just a one-month-thing. Joanna thinks that I like this person because he's like Feilong in several ways. And I agree...that might be a possible reason. I don't know what to do with myself. For sure, I know that I can't tell him anything. I know that he doesn't like me back. And I don't want to carry another backpack...and since he's so similar to Feilong...the same problems will probably occur. But sometimes...I'm tempted to look out the window and imagine.
I don't think that God giving me another person to like is a bad thing. I think it's a good way to shade the past. But I'm just worried about my actions...I don't want to hurt another person again. One is enough for me. I can't stand any more tears and sadness that I made for myself and for a person I really love and care about. When I told Chris he said, " What? Why him?" I don't know why either. If I got to choose I wouldn't want to like someone for at least one year. But these things aren't meant for me to decide. The last relationship was too much to handle..whether it's about the beginning or the middle of the relationship or just fighting through the end of it and releasing my grasp. But I still have that urge to tell him. Not to make him fall for me; but to just let him know how I feel deep inside. But the other side of me thinks, "What for..? It'll only make him confused and it'll only make my problem his problem too. ...I've made enough mistakes and wrong choices these weeks." I can't be greedy anymore. I know that. I've been so selfish that I even get disgusted at myself sometimes...how can I be like this? Where did I learn this from? I rather suffer a little tiny bit day by day...then make a huge problem for another person. And anyways...after I suffer a bit of bitterness I have some sweets to smile about. My friends.
Although I feel like I've completey gotten over that relationship...I still miss having a person care about me...even though I know my friends are there. But every single day...I just tell myself, "I don't need this...I'll survive." Last night, I heard my brother talking about his girlfriend. Perfection. That's what I always believed when it came to my brother's relationship with Angie. It's unconditional love. They don't need to care about what other people think. They don't need to worry about their future. All they care about is: now. And that got them through grade 9 all the way to Univeristy...it's pure love. I admit that I feel jealous. Who wouldn't be? I don't know if I'll find someone that can hold such a strong relationship with me anymore. I used to believe in it. But I'm starting to question myself. "Do I even know what I'm doing? Do I even know what is right and what is wrong?" I'm only 15. I don't know everything. I might be thinking that I'm doing everything right in a relationship...but I make mistakes too...I fall down too. And this time I fell again. Hard.
Maybe...I'm just not meant for anyone. I don't think that any guy out there will understand me or will be willing to give as much effort as I do in relationships. Maybe...I'm only meant for seeing other couples having that feeling in their heart when they are with the person they love. That feeling...that everything is perfect...that there is nothing you two can't overcome...there is nothing to stop this feeling...no matter how much time you give it. It won't melt. It won't decompose. It's there. Forever. It doesn't need air. It doesn't need any kind of fertilizer. It doesn't need anything...but that one person. That one special person that can make it all happen for you in the simplest ways. That connection was what I felt...and to let that go...was so hard. And it's not that one of us didn't feel that way anymore...it's the way the relationship was heading...My love for him didn't get worse...but the relationship was starting to head the wrong path. I just couldn't hold my tears back behind me. I knew I had to let go...no matter how hard I embraced that feeling so it stays in my heart forever...it didn't work. I knew I had to let go.
I'm not strong. I'm not brave...or heroic. I can't hold in everything. I don't want this feeling to ever come back to find me again...that's why I'm so scared now. Eleven months ago, I believed that this happiness was everlasting. I knew there would be obstacles...but I thought never could tear us to peices. Maybe our puzzle pieces don't fit after all. But it's funny because I thought they did. They seemed perfectly blended together. Was it just all my imagination? All fake...all an illusion? Or was it a beauty that only him and I saw...together?
I just want to embrace what I already have. Johnny. A bunch of friends that I wouldn't give up for the world. A school. And nothing else.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
The First Day.
Oct. 8 .Sunny.
The first step began. It is the first day that I was alone. I had socials with him right in the morning. I thought, "Oh well...just sit through it and just concetrate in class." I hoped that he didn't put anything in my locker. He did. I faced my opened locker...looked at a folder that isn't mine. I look down. I can't do this. But reached up to see it. The drawing he was going to give me for our 11th month...unfinished. Tears. There better not be something in the back. There is. "Isn't it strange...for two people who love each other so much still to decide breaking up is the best thing to do?" I love him. My eyes start to drop tears down my cheeks. I really love him...but I just can't have another relationship with him...and it's hard to accept that no matter how much we love each other...those problems will just haunt us again...and we would continue with these problems that would never be solved. I don't care about people saying that our relationship goes nowhere. I don't care if they say that we don't fit together. But the only thing that hits me so hard...is that these problems will never heal...and I'll continue to carry this backpack. This heavy backpack. At some point I would have to put this backpack down...and just give up carrying it. So why don't I just let go now when I already gave it everything I have...I have this little temptation that I should just get back with him becuase I still feel like there is no one else out there that can replace him. But forcing myself to hold back from making that action really hurt. It's time to let go...
After looking at this paper...I look up again. A book...? I reached up to get it...but felt the same way as I got the paper...Why is this happening... "This has been my favourtie book ever since we came together...I don't think I'll have the courage to read it anymore...I want you to keep it..." I hurt him so much...He probably didn't sleep well...cried for hours...and thought about why I'm doing this to him...More tears. I couldn't possibly read all this and still go to Socials...and sit beside him without crying. I don't want to avoid him to make him feel even worse...but I can't do anything about it...
I call Chris and tell him to find me. Right when I see him, he opens his arms for a hug...right when I closed my eyes and put my head on his shoulder...I knew it. I just can't take this anymore. I don't know what I'm doing...or what I'm supposed to do. Soon, the principal sees and tells us to go the consellor and see what we can do about it. My counsellor wrote a note for me to go to the library and a note for an excuse why I didn't go to class. In the library, I just continued to stare at those precious memories one more time. I just couldn't stop crying. When first block was about to end, I headed to A section again. I thought that I could see my friends without tears in my eyes. It was all fine...until he came out. I wasn't sure if it was him...but I just put my head down...and my eyes start to cry once again. Jimmy, Jadie, and Minmin started getting worried and asked me what's wrong. We head to Mr. Jackson's classroom...and I thought my tears stopped. Nope. Jenny was still in the classroom she sees me in tears, and runs up to me. "You Ok?" I just stand there. Mr. Jackson turns around...and my eyes are all red and wet. "What's wrong?" he asked. "I'm sorry I didn't go to class today...I'm so sorry." I said as I was handing him the note. "You ok?" I nod. "Come to see me tomorrow and we can talk about it okay?" "Okay.." "You're going to be ok?" "Yea.." "Well..seems like you have a great bunch of friends to look after you." "Yea." They are awesome.
Gym was my next block, and Jadie started cheering me up. Lunch starts. I sit with Joanna at her locker...and I show her what he gave me. As she is talking about it, I look at the drawing again...and the words behind it. More tears. I don't know if what I'm doing is the right way anymore. All I know is that I love him still; just like what I said in my quotes...just like what I always felt in my heart. I don't think I'll ever change that quote that I wrote on the top of my blog; becuase up to now, I still look at the stars...and I still see our future together. I don't know if it'll become reality...but as long as I see it...I'm happy.
I really think that the drawing he drew is like our love for each other. It's beautiful...it's magical...everyone thinks it's pointless but us...but it has to be unfinished...maybe it can be finished in the future...I really don't know. All I know is that...I can't finish it right now. I talked to Joanna about how I still love him but I don't think continuing the relationship is the right idea. "Trust me, you'll stop liking him really soon." Will I? I think that even if I do in the future...there wil always be this feeling I have for him. Pernament. I don't know when he'll stop loving me. Which is something that scares me the most. I know we're not together anymore...and I can't expect him to still like me...but when that day comes...I would probably stare at those things he has drawn for me over and over and over again....becuase I know that he will never give me anything like that again...and he would give it to someone else he loves. "I'll never be ready to say goodbye..."
The first step began. It is the first day that I was alone. I had socials with him right in the morning. I thought, "Oh well...just sit through it and just concetrate in class." I hoped that he didn't put anything in my locker. He did. I faced my opened locker...looked at a folder that isn't mine. I look down. I can't do this. But reached up to see it. The drawing he was going to give me for our 11th month...unfinished. Tears. There better not be something in the back. There is. "Isn't it strange...for two people who love each other so much still to decide breaking up is the best thing to do?" I love him. My eyes start to drop tears down my cheeks. I really love him...but I just can't have another relationship with him...and it's hard to accept that no matter how much we love each other...those problems will just haunt us again...and we would continue with these problems that would never be solved. I don't care about people saying that our relationship goes nowhere. I don't care if they say that we don't fit together. But the only thing that hits me so hard...is that these problems will never heal...and I'll continue to carry this backpack. This heavy backpack. At some point I would have to put this backpack down...and just give up carrying it. So why don't I just let go now when I already gave it everything I have...I have this little temptation that I should just get back with him becuase I still feel like there is no one else out there that can replace him. But forcing myself to hold back from making that action really hurt. It's time to let go...
After looking at this paper...I look up again. A book...? I reached up to get it...but felt the same way as I got the paper...Why is this happening... "This has been my favourtie book ever since we came together...I don't think I'll have the courage to read it anymore...I want you to keep it..." I hurt him so much...He probably didn't sleep well...cried for hours...and thought about why I'm doing this to him...More tears. I couldn't possibly read all this and still go to Socials...and sit beside him without crying. I don't want to avoid him to make him feel even worse...but I can't do anything about it...
I call Chris and tell him to find me. Right when I see him, he opens his arms for a hug...right when I closed my eyes and put my head on his shoulder...I knew it. I just can't take this anymore. I don't know what I'm doing...or what I'm supposed to do. Soon, the principal sees and tells us to go the consellor and see what we can do about it. My counsellor wrote a note for me to go to the library and a note for an excuse why I didn't go to class. In the library, I just continued to stare at those precious memories one more time. I just couldn't stop crying. When first block was about to end, I headed to A section again. I thought that I could see my friends without tears in my eyes. It was all fine...until he came out. I wasn't sure if it was him...but I just put my head down...and my eyes start to cry once again. Jimmy, Jadie, and Minmin started getting worried and asked me what's wrong. We head to Mr. Jackson's classroom...and I thought my tears stopped. Nope. Jenny was still in the classroom she sees me in tears, and runs up to me. "You Ok?" I just stand there. Mr. Jackson turns around...and my eyes are all red and wet. "What's wrong?" he asked. "I'm sorry I didn't go to class today...I'm so sorry." I said as I was handing him the note. "You ok?" I nod. "Come to see me tomorrow and we can talk about it okay?" "Okay.." "You're going to be ok?" "Yea.." "Well..seems like you have a great bunch of friends to look after you." "Yea." They are awesome.
Gym was my next block, and Jadie started cheering me up. Lunch starts. I sit with Joanna at her locker...and I show her what he gave me. As she is talking about it, I look at the drawing again...and the words behind it. More tears. I don't know if what I'm doing is the right way anymore. All I know is that I love him still; just like what I said in my quotes...just like what I always felt in my heart. I don't think I'll ever change that quote that I wrote on the top of my blog; becuase up to now, I still look at the stars...and I still see our future together. I don't know if it'll become reality...but as long as I see it...I'm happy.
I really think that the drawing he drew is like our love for each other. It's beautiful...it's magical...everyone thinks it's pointless but us...but it has to be unfinished...maybe it can be finished in the future...I really don't know. All I know is that...I can't finish it right now. I talked to Joanna about how I still love him but I don't think continuing the relationship is the right idea. "Trust me, you'll stop liking him really soon." Will I? I think that even if I do in the future...there wil always be this feeling I have for him. Pernament. I don't know when he'll stop loving me. Which is something that scares me the most. I know we're not together anymore...and I can't expect him to still like me...but when that day comes...I would probably stare at those things he has drawn for me over and over and over again....becuase I know that he will never give me anything like that again...and he would give it to someone else he loves. "I'll never be ready to say goodbye..."
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