"Lean on Me"

Oct. 26. .Clear.

It was after school. I head to Minmin's locker to get my Japanese textbook to study with when I'm get home. Benton comes by. He hands me...what seems to be Johnny's racket. I didn't understand. "Give it to Johnny for me." He said. "Ok..." I knew he had badminton practice so I knew he needed it. I head upstairs to meet up with Joanna. As she was packing up, I stand there...where his locker is. I look around. He's still not here...is he already at practice? As I was heading to G section with Joanna, I held the racket in my hand. That feeling came back again. I felt so attached to the racket...I held it...softly.

I opened the gym doors. There he was. Playing with his teammates. He looked so...cool. No one else was playing. He was in the dead centre. Everyone else is just standing there at the benches. Jadie comes by. I held out his racket. Jadie holds it, "Johnny! Your racket!" He looks up. He looks at me. I look down at his racket. He runs over, and as he runs, his teammates hit the birdie at his direction. He hits it as he runs and comes by. Effortless. "Thanks." he said to me. I smile. Completely speechless. He puts the racket at the bench and runs back to his game. I wanted to stay so badly. But I couldn't. He soon vanished to set up the nets. "Let's go." Joanna says. I look back. Still not there. I look down. We open the gym doors again, and my fingers slid past the door inch by inch.

As I was walking home, I looked at the blue sky. So many shades of blue. No trace of clouds. A breeze blows my hair. Warmth. It truely felt like God was there with me...at that very instant. He understood me...how upset and frustrated I was. He said, "It's ok." I couldn't hear it. But I felt it. "Lean on me." he said. And I realized...that it's ok that Johnny doesn't like me back for whatever reason. I just want to be in his life now. I just want to help him out whenever he needs it. I'm not looking at repayment...or a reward. I just want to help him now...nothing else. Yes, I like him. A lot. But it's ok. Because our friendship is already meaning so much to me. And I wouldn't ever want it to be damaged just because of my confession.

It just feels like everyone is so busy with their lives. No one really cares about others anymore. I don't even want to tell anyone how I feel. Joanna is busy. Jenny doesn't have time to care. Chris has so much attitude now probably because of what he has to go through everyday with volleyball and school. I don't want to stand in their way...and so I felt really upset. But feeling God's prescense today...it really opened me up again. It seemed like he said that he'll care even when no one else does. He completely understands how I feel. I start to tell Johnny how I feel about my friends and how busy they all are and the pressure at school and at home. He lends me a hand. "You can always talk to me...because I'm never busy. :)" You don't know how much that meant Johnny. You have no idea...

I was searching through some pictures on deviant...and I came across this line that someone typed out. "They were the right people, but in the wrong timing." It was for the movie "Secret". But I connected it to myself. It applies to me too doesn't it? When Johnny liked me in grade 8, it was the wrong timing. Now, in grade 10, 2 years later, it's my turn to fall for him. Maybe we are the right people...I don't know. But our timing is way off too. Maybe...just maybe one day we will meet at the right time?

With a Smile. With My Heart.

Oct. 21. .Sunny.

I almost let it all out today. Everything. After liking Johnny for over 2 weeks, I feel like it's getting harder and harder to hold in how I feel inside. I knew he doesn't feel the same. I knew it. But it's not like I cared. Yes, it hurt at first. But what do I expect? But I was also scared. I was afraid what other people would think...espicially Feilong. Even though we don't talk anymore; and even when we pass by the hallway, we pretend we don't know each other, I still don't want to hurt him once more.

Today, I went to watch Johnny, Jadie, and Huron (Don't know how to spell his name properly)play badminton at their first home game. After awhile, I see Johnny, with his professional camera. Both of our hobbies that we talked about together. At first, he didn't really let anyone hold it because it's so expensive and it belongs to his dad. But after a second attempt of asking him if I could see it, he actually took it off and handed it to me. I looked through a couple of pictures...there were a lot of pictures of Jadie... he soon asked for it back. I handed it back to him pretending nothing was wrong. After his first game (which he won), he was walking around taking pictures of anything that caught his eye. After awhile, he sat down at the far end of the gym. And since I was tired of standing there with Joanna, I decided to walk over to where my bag is. There he was. I walked up. Sat down. "Hey" he said. I put my hand out for his camera again, and we actually sat on the floor, looking at his pictures. It wasn't the most energetic conversation. But it meant a lot to me. I just wished that we could sit and talk like that once in awhile. To me, it was a conversation that didn't need much talking...but maybe to him...he thought it was boring...Then, Joanna came by with a camera, and she joined in. He soon had to play again, and this time, he let me keep holding his camera. As he was playing, I just look through his pictures. It's passion. I won't say it's the best pictures I've seen but I can tell he has a deep passion for photography. Soon, I looked over all 765 or so, pictures. Alice comes by and talks to Joanna and I. She takes the camera and fools around with it, and Joanna too. For some reason, I felt really obligated to keep it safe. I didn't want a reason for him to dislike me. He trusted me with his precious camera, and I felt like it was my job to take care of it. Even I was scared to press the buttons and hold it in my hands. But whenever I did, throughout the day, I thought in my head, "This is his passion that I'm holding onto...It's a part of him.." He comes by again, and he takes the camera and aims the lens at me. I cover my face. "You don't trust my photography skills?" He asked jokingly. No...I'm just scared about what you think about how I look. Sooner or later, Alice and her sister starts playing with it after he's done his second game. Weird. He tries to get it back from them. It's just me right? I'm just thinking things the wrong way...right?

After awhile, all the games were done, Johnny had to help this senior take a jumping picture in badminton for the school yearbook. He stood near me, crouched down, and was ready for him to jump for a smash. So professional. After awhile, the senior kept on saying it's not good enough even when it's already good enough. He began to play for fun with that senior student. Almost every time a point was earned by either side, he would look at me, and I would just shake my head with a smile. And he would do the same. With a smile.

I know that he doesn't like me back. But I always lie to myself and say that he might. He doesn't. I know it. But I feel like I'm in total denial. I still have this little urge to tell him like before, but I don't want him to like me back just because I tell him that I like him. If he was to like me...I want it to be his own will; not just because of how I feel towards him. I just can't stop thinking about him sometimes...and I don't know why. Our conversations are effortless. I don't need to come up with topics to talk about...and it feels like I haven't done that for awhile...

In the beginning, I thought that I didn't want or expect him to like me back...but now...after what Joanna said about how whenever anyone likes a person, they will always have at least a tiny urge to go out with them. I admit. I do want his feelings in return. But I know it's not right to expect him to think there is anything good about me. I might think he's great...but it doesn't mean he thinks that about me. Maybe...the reason why he doesn't like me is maybe because I'm just not good enough...or I'm just invisible to his eyes. But he's a person that I see more than with my eyes. It's my heart too.