It's Sweet...with a Hint of Childhood

Nov. 25. .Rainy.



The past. These days, I've been wanting to ask him one simple question: How have you been doing lately? Sometimes...it just stings to see him. The way he carries himself, and the way he looks...it seems empty. About two months ago, this would be the time I would jump to him and say 'Boo!'. But there was silence. Blank. And it's all thanks to me. Although I don't have the same feeling for him anymore, I still care about him. The first person I gave everything to was him. I just wonder how he's doing...how his academics are now...how he's been feeling or what he's been dreaming about. Does he hate me now? Did he move on? Does he still cry? I'm been worried about you...



It's sad and it hurts; to pass by him and pretend that I don't see anything that I spent almost a year with...anything that I loved once upon a time. I don't think that I can ever make it up to him no matter what I attempt to do. But I at least want to put a bandage over that wound so it doesn't get infected. I don't know if this wound will ever heal...but I know I don't want it to get worse...is it too late?



Ever since Johnny said he was sure, things haven't been much different. Just like we wished. 11:11.



Yesterday, Johnny had a last minute notice that he has a badminton game. I tell him to stay jokingly. He actually does. I don't really make that situation a stain my head...and I let it go. That night, Jadie tells me she's upset about Johnny not going to the badminton game. Instant guilt. "Then stayy." I remember saying. It felt like that ugly side was creeping out again. Johnny starts to feel bad, and I say that I'm sorry five times or so. He says that's it's ok but I still feel stuck. "I'll give you chocolate!" I can already taste it. A smile bloomed. "Give a bit to Jadie too." The blooming hesitated. Right. Jadie. I knew she deserved it more than I did. Huron was still ignoring her and she played until eight o'clock. She would need it more than me. "She can have it." I smiled. I meant it. I wasn't trying to act nice...I wasn't trying to avoid being in between Johnny and Jadie. I just felt like compared to Jadie...she deserved it a lot more. "I know...it's weird...having me to give chocolate to someone I used to like." The tiniest hint of weirdness. But it doesn't matter. I have him. And just the thought of him using chocolate to cheer me up is already so sweet with a hint of childhood.

Even though I didn't get any chocolate at the end. I still have you...and that's more than chocolate because when it melts...it's gone. But you're always here in any condition even if there are obstacles that try to stop you from being there for me. And I never had someone do that for me. You made me a lot happier;You already give me chocolate everyday even though I can't taste it. But I feel it. And it feels...unbelievably sweet. I love you.

"See? I don't need chocolate. Just you."

Wo Ai Ni...

Nov. 16. .Rainy.

Things have definately changed this year. For some reason, I don't feel like pouring my guts out for school. The marks I've been getting have not been as high as last year, and even though it pains me to say it...I actually don't really mind anymore. If I got these marks last year, I know that I would be crying almost every week. But I didn't. For some reason, my heart is just telling me over and over again, "It's ok even if this one test didn't go the way you wanted it to go...just wait for the next opportunity and continue to try your best." I know I can't force myself to do something now. Let everything flow the way they are meant to flow. I know that my straight A's are down the drain. I mean, how can I get straight A's while I'm getting 85% in math honours, 84% in physics, and 85% in socials honours? But I think that no matter what I get, I'll take it with a smile. I know from my heart that I did everything I could. I know it.

As for Johnny, we've become the closest of friends. He talks to me everyday for hours. He said that he's confused about how he feels, but I honestly don't care. I never aimed for him to feel the same in the first place. We already agreed that we will always remain the closest of friends and that nothing will change. And even if in the end, he finds out that he actually doesn't like me, we will remain the way we are now...talking to each other, and brightening each other's days. I think the reason why I've been so open-minded is because of him. And I feel so thankful that he's there for me. We both mean a lot to each other...and that's why we don't want our friendship to ever change. And it's weird because even when he told me that he likes me but unsure, I didn't feel the slightest bit excited. Maybe I'm not in the mood to go out again? Or maybe we already knew that nothing will change even if he does. And ever since we've been this close, I never stopped smiling from the inside out. And I know he feels the same.

Nov. 17. .Cloudy.
Today in planning, Johnny started to nudge my foot again, since we sit across from each other. I looked at him. He smiles. I ignore him and look away. He kicks me lightly. I put my feet on top of his. I smile back. After awhile, I moved to sit beside Joanna, and I faced his side instead. I look at him again. Our feet continued to touch...like it was a secret conversation. He started to move his foot up and down so mine would move as it was on top of his. He then wrapped his legs around mine. Tightly. We looked at each other. I soon start to ignore it and just let my legs stay in his grasp. Suddenly, he poked my hand...just like last class. I ignored it. He poked it again. I grabbed his finger as it was aiming to poke me again the third time. And I loosened the hold...and put my hand back to it's original spot. He puts his hand next to mine. Pokes it. Then on top. My hand softens up. "...Why..." I asked myself in my heart. And after a couple of seconds, I let go.

Later on in the class, he shows me his scar on his pinkie speechlessly. I look at it and brushes my finger over the scar gently. And then I wrapped my index around his pinkie to show that I care. He held it tightly again in his hand. I tried to slide my finger away. But he wouldn't let go. But I slowly managed to escape. We continue on with the movie. He starts to play with his pencil, and pokes my cheeks a couple times. Then he put his fingers on my cheeks and pinched lightly. He smiles sweetly. Joanna starts to join in too. As she's busy playing with Johnny with their hands, I finally slid my legs away from his and looked at the screen. He looked at me as he was playing around with Joanna, and I smiled but looked away again. He nudged my foot again under the table and looked at me as Joanna was motioning her hand to him. He poked my hand again. "Johnny! Johnny!" Joanna whispered. I looked at him. He was looking at me. He nudges my foot under the table. And I put mine on top of his again. We smile. He looks at the screen. I first look up at him. As he's looking at the screen, I could see his smile still engraved on his face gently and as sweet as ever. I drew with my index on the table with invisible ink while he was not looking. "Wo ai ni..."