The Present. The Future.

Dec. 30. .Cloudy, Rainy.

Last night, Joanna suddenly called me at around twelve. She was crying. I honestly thought everything was going smoothly. Every single time I see her, she doesn't want to talk about anything else but Jerry and the highlights of her first and new relationship. I just don't understand why though. She tells me that they just love each other so much that they are scared that they will lose each other later in the future. The truth is...they probably will. It's cruel reality. But aren't all couples at least a bit scared? It's normal. It's good to be aware. But they are just scaring themselves to death with something that didn't even happen yet. If they keep worrying about something that doesn't even exist, then what about the memories that are waiting to be embedded in their lives? What can they think about when they look back on their relationship. Meaningless tears that only hold one word...Fear?

Jerry is scared of losing Joanna like how he lost Iris, and Joanna is scared of losing him because everything seems to be going too well to be true. But since you know that it's too good to be true...shouldn't you just take advantage of it every second before it disappears? She also finds herself being greedy because she is loving him more and more now. Isn't it normal to be greedy when you love someone? Although it's wrong to be so, she doesn't need to panic and cry about it. Self-decipline. That's all she really needs. Control her own emotions, control her own actions.

I'm starting to get worried about her. This relationship is taking so much of her life and focus. What about school? I don't even understand her emotions sometimes. She can be so happy one day and start crying or upset the next. A relationship is supposed to make you happy. It's ok to be scared, because I get those moments too. Those moments makes you disconnect from those beautiful memories...and it just makes you drift away...wondering what will happen on the next page. But everyone just thinks about it for awhile, and lives on and embraces what they have in front of them even more. I know that the first relationship is the deepest, because I've gone through it too. Everything is just so full of wonder, and you never know what's going to happen next. Everything is just so special. I know. I've felt that sensation once upon a time too. But I don't want her to waste her energy and time crying and worrying. If it does end, she shouldn't waste the remaining time crying. It's only been a month, and she has already been so emotional. School is getting more and more important now...what she is going to do? Those years in high school won't wait for anyone crying out any excuse. It just races by...compassionless. I don't want to open my eyes one day and witness her breaking down...completely shutting down. If I could only do her academics for her...and run after time for her...

I want you to be happy Joanna. When I first heard you and Jerry were getting together. You couldn't believe how happy I was for you. I'm scared now. Yes, Jerry is important. But as sad as it sounds, he's not forever. Your academics and your future job is truly forever. Try not letting him be your everything...because you still want to protect yourself. Greed is something that we all have. Don't try to bury that in the sand. It's ok to be selfish or greedy at times because you have me, you have Jerry, you have all these friends behind you that love you no matter what you turn into. Scream out how you feel, cry out your tears, just fall knowing that we will always catch you. I know you love him a lot. And you don't want to lose him. But that gives even more of a reason to embrace every single second you have with him. Don't waste it on crying. Knowing that you were crying really hurts me. And I'm sure it hurts Jerry too. Just call me. Tell me your fears, tell me your feelings. God gave me ears to listen, and a smile to help brighten yours. This is your relationship. This is a connection you have that you should always smile about. Don't worry about the future. If you embrace everything you have right now, and take everything in, even if you do lose him...even if you do lose all this...at least when you look back and ask yourself, "Could I have done anything better?" No. You couldn't have. That's why even if you cry because it's the end, it would be an ending that you should be proud of. Beautiful memories were made. Secrets were shared. Although those promises didn't survive, they were the walls that held the relationship high above the skies. No one is scaring you but yourself right now. And if you don't pick yourself up, you can't help Jerry. You and I both know that you are a strong girl, Joanna. Don't fall into a deep hole that no one can save you from. I'm sorry that I'm a useless friend. I can't do anything but worry for you and tell you this. But this road is for you to walk on, this relationship is for you to love. Follow your heart. Hold his hand. As cliche or cheesy as that sounds...it worked for me through my hardships. Do what you can now...because it might be gone when you go back trying to trace back that past opportunity.


Today, Ajay was kidding around with me on MSN. I had a display picture of myself and he was pretending that he didn't know how that person in that picture was. "Is it Ruby?" "Nope" Then this sentence comes by. "Maybe it's Johnny's beautiful girlfriend...I think her name is Jadie." I quickly look down at my keyboard. It felt so unbelievably awkward. I know he's joking. But...it just seemed...weirdly realistic. Out of all girls...ironically, he chose to say Jadie. Although that incident was already over a year ago, I still feel awkward. She was someone he really liked...someone that he couldn't get over. I didn't know how to respond to the sentence AJ typed out. All I could do was laugh it off, even if it wasn't funny to me at all. There is nothing to really say. It's what he said. I didn't feel upset. I didn't feel angry. All I felt was...awkwardness and emptiness. Completely empty-feeling. It felt numb.

You Always Know...

December 28th .Just plain C O L D.



This winter holiday was easier to go through than I thought. Right before it was about to hit, I thought, "This is going to be so difficult for me...like last year with him. What if my feelings start to die from the lack of opportunities to see him? What will I do?" But this new relationship proves me wrong once again. I miss him. But it's not painful. It's rather bland...but I taste...hope and serenity. It's not like I'll never see him again...right? There is only a week left before school starts now. And in those days of separation, he has still spent hours and hours and hours with me on MSN, he still cares about my cold and my fourth finger. I still feel that lingering compassion. Maybe it's also that I've learned to be more independent...or maybe he just makes my role in our relationship that much easier. It's not a burden on my shoulders anymore. It's just a weightless smile that I would never mind carrying on my face. It doesn't feel the same. There is just no way that this is happening...this is not how it usually goes. I feel no weight on my back. There is no road for me to travel on. I just see a road...for myself...and I feel his hand...holding mine.



A few days ago, AJ and George invited me to go with them, along with Benton, Josh, and Jadie to watch a movie. AJ mentions Johnny. At first, Johnny wanted to go. But hesitation slithers by. He hates spending unnecessary money. He doesn't like being in the mall. I really wanted him to go. Badly. But I stop that need for a second.

He will go if he feels like he wants to...I have no right to tell him what I want. Who do I think I am? I can't be selfish...I can't let that ugly side pierce through me once again. I know that I can easily beg him to go...but I want him to go with his own will and with a pure smile if he did decide go. "If you don't want to go..then don't go." That's all I could manage to say. I was anxious. I didn't want to pull him to go. I want him to be happy. He finally decides that he doesn't want to go. With Josh and AJ there...they will definately tease us at least a bit. I don't care. I don't know them well anyways, and I know they are just joking, they don't mean anything serious. I'm used to being teased by my own friends anyways. But that doesn't mean that he feels the same. Last night, Johnny made a final decision that he will not go. Is it still balanced? I thought. Find a distraction, I told myself. AJ still tries to persuade him to go. I was kind of glad that he was honest though. Instead of listening to me, he listened to his heart and what he wanted. There is nothing to be upset about. It's his decision. And I should just accept it with a welcoming heart...because I love him. And I know that he would do the same for me. When I didn't go to watch him play badminton once, he understood. He took it with a smile. I should do that for him too. I finally let my heart release that anxiety. He's not going. That's it.



"I'm going. I already told my parents last night." he said today. I stare at the screen. "Why?" I ask. "Because I miss you so much..." I smile like an idiot in my room. What else can I ask for...Everytime I doubt...everything I'm uncertain of, you just know how to reject all these feelings away from my heart. You always know what makes me smile...always know what makes me surprised...what makes my love for you grow stronger and stronger...How do you do it? No one could do that to me before. What is your secret...?

"You better be pernament, because I'm scared that my heart might erase you."