You Always Know...

December 28th .Just plain C O L D.



This winter holiday was easier to go through than I thought. Right before it was about to hit, I thought, "This is going to be so difficult for me...like last year with him. What if my feelings start to die from the lack of opportunities to see him? What will I do?" But this new relationship proves me wrong once again. I miss him. But it's not painful. It's rather bland...but I taste...hope and serenity. It's not like I'll never see him again...right? There is only a week left before school starts now. And in those days of separation, he has still spent hours and hours and hours with me on MSN, he still cares about my cold and my fourth finger. I still feel that lingering compassion. Maybe it's also that I've learned to be more independent...or maybe he just makes my role in our relationship that much easier. It's not a burden on my shoulders anymore. It's just a weightless smile that I would never mind carrying on my face. It doesn't feel the same. There is just no way that this is happening...this is not how it usually goes. I feel no weight on my back. There is no road for me to travel on. I just see a road...for myself...and I feel his hand...holding mine.



A few days ago, AJ and George invited me to go with them, along with Benton, Josh, and Jadie to watch a movie. AJ mentions Johnny. At first, Johnny wanted to go. But hesitation slithers by. He hates spending unnecessary money. He doesn't like being in the mall. I really wanted him to go. Badly. But I stop that need for a second.

He will go if he feels like he wants to...I have no right to tell him what I want. Who do I think I am? I can't be selfish...I can't let that ugly side pierce through me once again. I know that I can easily beg him to go...but I want him to go with his own will and with a pure smile if he did decide go. "If you don't want to go..then don't go." That's all I could manage to say. I was anxious. I didn't want to pull him to go. I want him to be happy. He finally decides that he doesn't want to go. With Josh and AJ there...they will definately tease us at least a bit. I don't care. I don't know them well anyways, and I know they are just joking, they don't mean anything serious. I'm used to being teased by my own friends anyways. But that doesn't mean that he feels the same. Last night, Johnny made a final decision that he will not go. Is it still balanced? I thought. Find a distraction, I told myself. AJ still tries to persuade him to go. I was kind of glad that he was honest though. Instead of listening to me, he listened to his heart and what he wanted. There is nothing to be upset about. It's his decision. And I should just accept it with a welcoming heart...because I love him. And I know that he would do the same for me. When I didn't go to watch him play badminton once, he understood. He took it with a smile. I should do that for him too. I finally let my heart release that anxiety. He's not going. That's it.



"I'm going. I already told my parents last night." he said today. I stare at the screen. "Why?" I ask. "Because I miss you so much..." I smile like an idiot in my room. What else can I ask for...Everytime I doubt...everything I'm uncertain of, you just know how to reject all these feelings away from my heart. You always know what makes me smile...always know what makes me surprised...what makes my love for you grow stronger and stronger...How do you do it? No one could do that to me before. What is your secret...?

"You better be pernament, because I'm scared that my heart might erase you."