Ended with Happiness

June 29. .Sunny.

"Great report card," she says.

"Thanks," I respond anxiously.

She hands me the sheet nicely and I welcome it in my hands. Reluctant. I keep my hands down, my head up. Should I just look? But what if all that is waiting for me on the other side is regret...

I stuff it in my bag. I stuff it in my mind far away. But it was inevitable.

I meet back with Minmin, Joanna, and Johnny. All eyes are down, and searching through all spaces on their own paper that was printed clearly.

"How did you do Tiffany?" Joanna asks.

"I don't know I didn't look. Too scared," I simple stated.

"Let me see," she offers her hand.

I reach in my bag, and reached it to her finger's acceptance. Finally out of my own possession.

"The lady that gave me it, said that it was good...but I don't know what her definition of 'good' is..." I explain.

"No...it's good Tiffany...unless you are searching for all 90s," Joanna commented.

"No no, just A's," I begged.

All three of them become scanners instantaneously and invades my report card. I grab it and scan it for myself. I became a scanner too.

My eyes ran and looked everywhere. Every comment, every letter was read. My eyes were cemented firmly and focused. No sense of regret was met. Instead, relief breezed by and sweeped me high above. I smiled, and covered my mouth with my report card. You're joking.

I thought I had no hope in hitting that exact target. I stood there for so long. Wind shook me, rain poured on me, sunlight stared at me. I attempted to aim right before I had to let go. But near the end, I started to shake. Carelessness crept on me slowly. My hands began to shake. Tears started to form through my windows. I held until I wasn't able to anymore. I let it soar and invited endless possibilities.

But it was over already, and I thought I concluded it horribly. It was already recorded, and printed out. It was permanent.But I look up at my work, despite the fear in my eyes.

A masterpiece.

Many hardships have fallen. Three more heading my way.

A mirror is held in front of me. I see that I have what it takes to make my academic dreams come true one more time. I am armed with preservation. But that's all I really need. Own preferences needed to be stripped away. I have to push myself. I have to continue running. No stop signs. No traffic lights. No option of escapism. There is only one straight road ahead and I know exactly where I want to be.

I'm already on my way.

In the Rain

April 26th. .Rain.

We hugged under your umbrella. We kissed goodbye in the rain. You ran after me to shelter me from the depression of the skies.

Every time raindrops fell, it was cold. Windy brisk. But all these beautiful and sentimental moments can make black ice melt in my heart. Melt...and drip down deep. I don't know why Johnny started walking me home even in the rain. He would usually walk with me in the bright and mighty sunlight, or as the sun was setting with the clouds. Even when it was pouring one day, he walked with me. Even when it was cold, he walked with me. It was the same road. It was all the same. The reason why he's doing this isn't falling on me. But maybe he's finally learning to give more than take...to hold rather to be held.

The fall of raindrops. The shards of God's tears. The expression of the skies's sadness. It's all so beautiful. Pitter-patter. Pitter-patter...through the glassed windows. The freshness as the sun shines once more, past the tears on the floor, giving reflections of many colors, and an organic welcome from mother nature.

The sky is a symbolism of my emotions lately. Although I smile my usual bright smile, it's getting hard. I don't know what I'm going to do. Victor, Jordan, and many others are starting to do drugs, and drink excessively. Joanna has probably cried as much as the sky has these past days. She's still missing. I still don't see her. I still don't know what I can do for any one of them. Just sit. And watch. Nothing I say, or do, will wake them up. They may never wake up, and only go deeper, and deeper until they can't even find themselves anymore.

Friends are supposed to help. But I don't know how. I talked. I thought. I wondered. And nothing is working. I don't know how effective my letter to Joanna was. I don't know if me begging Victor helped him really think about his actions. It really seems like it hurts me more than it hurts himself. I just want him to love himself, and care for himself. He is changing more and more week by week. And I just don't know what is going on with Joanna anymore. She seems fine...but there is still a couple of missing pieces that I can't find. She's still hiding a part of her away from us.

I just love each and every one of them so much. I want them to be healthy, and I want them to continue to smile like I've always seen them. But what if they don't want to...what can I do when that happens? I know that I shouldn't care after I try because it's their choice, and it's their life. But I'm part of their life, even if it's the smallest slither on a pie chart. I want to make a difference. I want to make their life brighter. But so far, all I feel like I did was sit, and watch the daily news of what new trouble Victor is getting into. I don't want to be an idiot, and smile all by myself at school.

The clock has hit 3:11. I walk quickly to the lockers. And there they are. As always. Laughter, and grins were all there were. Victor would crack a pervy joke. And we would all laugh until our stomachs hurt. Joanna would laugh the loudest. Jenny would be putting her books away from a tired day but have her grin on the side. Minmin would talk and talk and talk, and make a fool of himself. It was only a small portion of us after school, but the quantity doesn't matter. It's the amount of happiness I feel from that group, even if it's just for 10 minutes everyday. The happiness is felt from one person to another. I know that this is what I live for. This is what I belong to. And this is proof to show that my friends are my source of warmth, and comfort. They are my silent healers...deep within their shadows, and beyond their own reflections. They don't need to target the source of my pain or wound, they just need to act like themselves...because that's all I need...for them to stay themselves.

It's all worth it, to go through an exhausting day, to just be able to set loose for awhile and be with the people I love most.

I just wonder if another day like this will come my way soon...