Band-aides

July 2. .Sunny.

I don't know how to deal with this. All I know is that I want to be alone.

I don't want his help.

Somehow I think that if I lock myself up, everything will just float away. But I still feel it. Loneliness is still whispering in my ear, tears are still effortlessly dripping on my exam papers. Desperation is still sliding down my back like a block of ice. It's hurting me so much. But I want to be fair. I want to go through this myself. I know that once I talk to him, I'll just spill my pain everywhere. On him. On myself. I don't deserve his help. I don't want him to bend down, and help collect my fallen pieces because I didn't help him all those times either. I'm not worth his time, or his care. But where do I run...who do I run to...

I'm cold. I'm tired. I'm alone.

I want his warmth. His touch.

I would stare at my history papers. Blank. My head would just wander around, with no destination. I'm trying so hard to stop crying, to stop drifting. But I can't. I would purposely disconnect myself from him, and he's still on my mind. I just want to escape. I just want to tell him how much it hurts, and how much I miss him. But what right do I have...and what does that do but make him worry...

Talking to him makes me miss him. Being away from him makes me miss him. Nothing is working. It's completely pointless.

"Just so awesome...seven months already," he says.

"Doesn't feel like it."

"Longer or shorter?"

"Shorter. You probably think it's already really long and exhausting," I joked.

"I guess..."

'I guess'? What does that mean...Is it actually exhausting for him? Is it too late to make it up afterall...

Tears and wounds have been covered up. But it's still being found. I don't want him to help. I don't want his guidance. He's already tired. And it's all my fault. I made this journey long and exhausting for him...There is no way to redeem myself. All I can do is leave myself isolated. Away from him. Separated from my selfishness.

When will this phase end...when will I understand that no matter how many times I cry, he's never going to appear out of my dreams, and into my reality. I'm doing all I can to suppress it. The need. The wish. The hope. But it's still leaking. It's starting a flood.

But that's what band-aides are for right? To cover up the wound, and allow it to heal in disguise.

But why isn't mine working...

Silent Tears

June 30. .Sunny.

I'm so sorry...

I neglected you. I pushed you aside. I shut myself away from you. I wasn't there for you.

Instead, you continued to be there for me. Every time.

I thought that it was ok. I thought you were ok. I thought that our relationship wasn't meant to be completely defined. I thought that blurs were acceptable between you and me. You let me continue to chase after my dreams, and fight through my personal obstacles. You let me push my frustration against your chest. You would hug me even when I walk away from you. You told me that you loved me even when I believed that everything was going against me. Your gentle kisses...your wishful comments...your ability to make me smile... They are all still here. Perfect condition. I've learned how to embrace each one. Each gift, each blessing. You put yourself aside silently, so I wouldn't notice that I wasn't the only one in pain. You soaked yourself in the rain so you could hold an umbrella for me. Tears were shed. I was missing in your life. I was the one that initiated our hands to touch. And I was also the one that was slowly losing our touch. I wasn't there anymore. And you missed me.

I always knew that he loved me more than I did. But I continued flipping through pages in my room. I continued to keep school my focused target. To me, he was an unwanted distraction. He knew that I hated taking care of babies. He knew that my backpack was already too full to hold him. He knew I was tired of holding burdens. My arms were already holding books. It was all I knew how to hold. I didn't know how to hold him. I didn't want to learn. Instead, he held me.

So every tear he dripped, he was silent. For 6 months. He didn't slip clues. He didn't mention any sadness that he was feeling. I have made our beautiful relationship bland. I made our days filled with empty space. Nothing was sacred between us. Nothing was treasured. While I was selfishly running my own desires, he was alone. Thinking of me. Wishing for me.

I would frown. He would kiss me and make me smile. I would cry. And he would hug me tightly and wipe my tears away. He would whisper those three simple words in my ear. That's all I needed to continue on. To stand back up. And I would just leave, because I had nothing to give back in return...

I have finally felt what it is like. To miss someone to the point where tears just slide down effortlessly.. No hearts were broken. No hands were unconnected. But as loneliness continued to seep past my flesh, I felt the need to be in his arms. It's where I belong. To be with him. But he was there even through this ordeal with me. Hand in hand. Because he knew how it felt. Like always. Why couldn't I do the same for him?

What hurts me most...is that he never told me he was suffering. He put my obstacles before his. And he stayed patient and quiet. He would wipe his own tears. And mine too. I was wrong. I was selfish. I was oblivious. But that makes me love him even more. To know that he would do that for me...is heart wrenching. What he wanted was so simple. Time and affection. But I saw through a lens where it seemed so difficult to supply. But now, I finally feel that it's balanced. It's ready to endure all.

It's true love.

To have you by my side, is my luck.