Goodbye.

Oct. 2. .Sunny.

I swore to myself that I must keep up that fire. I wouldn't let my world stop for you. But I'm back to where I started. Hurt to the core.

I already shortened my friends to the minimum; keeping only the ones that I really wanted to treasure for the rest of my life. I was confident that I would keep these people forever. Our friendship may stretch distant, but remain smooth and steady. You were one of them. I thought I knew how to choose who was worth keeping close to my heart. I was willing to put you there, my weak spot. I thought you would be gentle. I guess that's why I'm hurting so much. I never expected it.

I thought of pulling out my white flag. But one problem demonstrates how we differ. From root to tip. We can't communicate. We can't agree. We can't surrender. We're mirror images. Light doesn't transfer through our opposite sides. It just bounces back with cruelty. But despite these obstacles, I still wanted to keep you there. There is no point of saying sorry if I don't mean it. Because it will always reappear to haunt us. And we won't do anything but fight against each other. From the center separating to opposing sides.Things will always get out of control and messy, but I thought we would always work out because I assumed that we both were going to work towards it. I thought too much. And nothing came into reality.

I thought that we would last forever, as friends, as boyfriend-girlfriend, whatever we wanted to be. I thought that we would fight through university together, with possibly kilometers of distance. Even maybe side by side. I considered to go wherever you wanted to even if I had to work just that much harder. I knew that it was a very naive idea. But I imagined the late night phone calls. I dreamed of your presence lasting forever within me. I thought that you would never leave me. I thought you would never blame me or misunderstand me. I thought you would be patient with me and love me. But I wasn't given a chance to see if that could happen. Nothing came out of those thoughts.

Ever since we fought, I always held moments of you everyday. A shard of a second. Or a fragment of minutes. A limb of an hour. And I would grow weak inside. You were the only one that could make me smile like that. But I would pick myself up everyday; making sure that no one saw. And you couldn't. What you did was probably the coldest thing anyone can ever do. Thinking of how tight we were, and slicing that all apart for me in one email, and leaving me with all the pieces of our bond to pick up. I still don't know if I want to. Contemplating if they mean anything but broken glass. They will probably only cut me deeper.

And you left me. Or waited for me to grab your hand, pull you back. But I didn't.

The last that I saw was you just dissipating from my life. Not one single sign of return.

I loved you.

Bye.

Never Again

Aug. 17. .Rainy.

It was never one sided.

From the moment we got together, both of us felt it. Even when things ended, the feeling lingered. We didn't need to see each other. It still traced behind both of us. But we didn't tell. And in June, when we started to talk again, it grew again. And we confessed.

Don't tell me that I am being inconsiderate. Don't tell me that I didn't initiate anything. The moment we talked again in June was my move. You didn't 'send emails' to me. I sent them. You responded. Again, my initiation. Every phone call was my work. Ever since you returned, I called you over and over. Everyday. I texted. And you? Late responses. Never picked up. You ended things. Not me. I've tried to keep things continuous, flowing.

Summer was hard. I was so happy but so dramatically hurt inside. I wanted to push everyone away. But I kept you knowing that you were a priority. That no matter how upset I was about my personal ordeals, you still mattered. I was willing to spend all my extra time with you. Give it all. Even after a brutal day at work, I still call you until you answer. Yes, I did tell you truths that may have hurt you. But you wanted to be my closest. You wanted to know what ached. I never gave you promises that we'll get back together. And you told me you understood. And just saying my lack of interest in relationships already sends you 'disappointed'. You're not my mom. I don't need to 'impress' you. I have nothing to be ashamed about. Everything I have done these past months have been all I could possibly give to you. I did it from my heart. No shallow purposes. I have no idea why you say you're disappointed in me. Frankly, I find that funny. I've promised a long time ago to myself that I will never cry about anyone. Not a tear. Not for you. I'm tired of crying. Tired of filling my heart with uncontrolled emotions. And if someone that I told so much to doesn't even understand me, then I have no regrets. Oh, wait. Maybe one. Wasting my breath in the first place. It's not my problem anymore. I know that my real friends are the ones that will understand me.

You say that friends are meant to have occasional 'fits'. Sorry. But the friends that I have and love are people that don't pick unreasonable fights with me. They don't accuse me of things that are completely false. How can I invite you to my birthday? Uh, I don't know...maybe because I had no birthday party. No birthday whatsoever. I told you why. My grandpa died and I can't celebrate it. I thought we're friends. You don't remember what I said and you just pointed fingers at me. And I did ask you if you wanted to eat lunch with me. DON'T say that I didn't ask you out. You rejected ME. And a simple 'goodbye' left unanswered on MSN made you 'disappointed'? My computer shut off before I could respond. If you truly understood our friendship, you would know that a small missed 'goodbye' was nothing in comparison.

I may have changed. But I still use all my efforts towards my friends and give them my best.

I don't mind that you don't like me at all anymore. If you think that I'm such a cruel person then good for you for getting rid of me. But the reasons are so stupid that I can't even understand any of them at all. I'm sorry but I can't be friends with someone that expects more than I can possibly offer. Before you accuse ME of being inconsiderate, think about yourself. Almost all the points you picked out against me is actually about you. The act of even sending that email to me is inconsiderate. Friends don't negotiate about these serious things like that. You didn't give me a notice. You just said whatever you wanted to say and then just replied shortly with an half-ass paragraph. You know how much you meant to me. You were always the guy in between it all. Half friend, half boyfriend. I never hid that from you. But I'm done thinking about you. If you still stand firmly on what you believe after this, I have nothing to say to you. I never will.

You promised that you won't hurt me like before.