Rewarded

Jan 24th 2012 .Rainy.

"You are Tiffany Sit right?"

"Yea...why?"

"Oh just to let you know you are one of the eight students that is given the chance to get the UBC Major Entrance Scholarship."

I am finally rewarded.

From the age of six, it was engrained in my brain that I will never be the model, or the number one. I never really thirsted for solid evidence for arrogance. All I wanted was to be recognized. Even for just a second.

My mom was in such pain when I was younger. All my best friends were smarter, more talented. They took whatever I started on, and made it unbelievably better. This left me nothing but in tears. But I never let them go, past my waterline. They were the only friends I had, and cutting our ties would mean that I have no one. My mom would have no one. I grew to be ashamed of who I was. I was embarrassed by my lack of intelligence. My incapabilities; like I was diagnosed with a incurable disease and had a life numbered. Things had to be made simpler for me in comparison, because I couldn't handle the complexity of the content. And no one helped me. Or given me a second chance or tried to explain it to me one more time. My mom silently digested the pain as well and continued. She didn't want to strip me from my friends and leave hers. I was permanently marked with stupidity.

This nomination is not a chance to get the scholarship. This is already the award. Throughout high school, I've concluded that no one cares about my marks. Because there are always people beside me that are equally or even more academically achieved. And everyone would run their attention towards the best, regardless of the effort used to create the result. I've learned that in life, no one cares about effort or diligence. They only care about the final product. So I've learned to shut up, and flick out the hope that a response will return to me. And I soon accepted that I should just learn for myself, and never seek for any sort of pause from my peers. But this means that someone is watching over me, and noticing my accomplishments. Believing in my capabilities. For once in my life, I don't feel mentally handicapped.

This nomination is proof. I'm not useless anymore. All the nights I stayed up for, all the tears I have shed, all the scribbles marked and erased...it all came back to me. My mom and I do not have to be ashamed anymore. She can be proud.

I have no strong desire to actually get 5,000 to 40,000 from UBC. To me, that is not what I have always wanted. I wanted that smile. I wanted that respect for my intellect. I wanted to be considered as a force. One that never stops, or fails to continue. And that form I received contained all that. All the tender pain summed up in those papers.

I never blamed God for my intelligence. I know that I can be smart when I act upon it. I also know that I can fail a test if I don't study. Studying in an environment with so many naturally intelligent people, I never questioned. I continued to work with what I was given, because that is all I have. My life will not be carved by myself. This recognition is for my teachers, my dad, my mom. Telling them that I have not thrown their sacrifices away, or rot their actions to regret. I have breathed in every single thing they have done, and used them to its fullest potential.

This is for you. Thank you.

Goodbye.

Oct. 2. .Sunny.

I swore to myself that I must keep up that fire. I wouldn't let my world stop for you. But I'm back to where I started. Hurt to the core.

I already shortened my friends to the minimum; keeping only the ones that I really wanted to treasure for the rest of my life. I was confident that I would keep these people forever. Our friendship may stretch distant, but remain smooth and steady. You were one of them. I thought I knew how to choose who was worth keeping close to my heart. I was willing to put you there, my weak spot. I thought you would be gentle. I guess that's why I'm hurting so much. I never expected it.

I thought of pulling out my white flag. But one problem demonstrates how we differ. From root to tip. We can't communicate. We can't agree. We can't surrender. We're mirror images. Light doesn't transfer through our opposite sides. It just bounces back with cruelty. But despite these obstacles, I still wanted to keep you there. There is no point of saying sorry if I don't mean it. Because it will always reappear to haunt us. And we won't do anything but fight against each other. From the center separating to opposing sides.Things will always get out of control and messy, but I thought we would always work out because I assumed that we both were going to work towards it. I thought too much. And nothing came into reality.

I thought that we would last forever, as friends, as boyfriend-girlfriend, whatever we wanted to be. I thought that we would fight through university together, with possibly kilometers of distance. Even maybe side by side. I considered to go wherever you wanted to even if I had to work just that much harder. I knew that it was a very naive idea. But I imagined the late night phone calls. I dreamed of your presence lasting forever within me. I thought that you would never leave me. I thought you would never blame me or misunderstand me. I thought you would be patient with me and love me. But I wasn't given a chance to see if that could happen. Nothing came out of those thoughts.

Ever since we fought, I always held moments of you everyday. A shard of a second. Or a fragment of minutes. A limb of an hour. And I would grow weak inside. You were the only one that could make me smile like that. But I would pick myself up everyday; making sure that no one saw. And you couldn't. What you did was probably the coldest thing anyone can ever do. Thinking of how tight we were, and slicing that all apart for me in one email, and leaving me with all the pieces of our bond to pick up. I still don't know if I want to. Contemplating if they mean anything but broken glass. They will probably only cut me deeper.

And you left me. Or waited for me to grab your hand, pull you back. But I didn't.

The last that I saw was you just dissipating from my life. Not one single sign of return.

I loved you.

Bye.