I could have sworn that we both felt that same feeling years ago. Timid, warm, and ever lingering. But it was fated impossible with our blood. We both knew it.
In secret, I hoped.
Nothing happened. We only progressed.
I guess I'm too used to always getting things my way. Getting the people I want. I wanted you to be another one of them. One that also thought of me as their special one. Memorable past, or special present.
I like where we are now. You, as a reminder to me that I can't get every heart I desire. Me and you, divergently falling deeper in love.
I can't help the sting though. When they mention her name. Especially with yours right beside. When you call her with me there. When you stopped bringing me to places. When you integrate your love with our family. Part of the pain is from the inability of me physically bridging the two like you. To show both you and I. And another is just that fact: you and her. And I know that I will probably never stop it.
You can be so coldly warm. That's what I love about you. You act like you don't care, shutting people out but also helping the people you love quietly and with the greatest sincerity.
You are my forbidden love.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Where I Am
Sometimes I wonder which direction destiny has paved my road. Or is destiny just sitting up high, waiting for me to carve my own steps, imprint my own path.
I have stressed and studied. Practiced until I catch myself repeating what I have already looked at for the past hour. But that was not the most painful. It was realizing that whatever I believed that I was...I'm not. I'm not as bright as I thought I was. I have nothing, am nothing. And that no matter how much I study, I can't change that. It's built within me, given to me through genetics. It's encoded and defines me. The one career I dreamt to be, is beyond my capabilities. That's my ultimate realization. A part of me is still struggling to let all this slip. To forget what my dream was, and what brought me this far. To just let my one direction I thought I was destined to follow to disappear. I want this. But tragically incapable.
Not bright enough.
Not strong enough.
Not anything enough.
I have to handover what I aspire to be to someone else. Look at myself in the mirror, and admit to myself that I don't have what they are looking for.
I wouldn't have ever guessed that I would be completely lost. I thought I was focused and determined. Other things that I have found that I am actually not.
Prior to falling deeply in love, I only thought of myself. I wanted to work in the medical field and live luxuriously alone. Work hard and return the love and compassion my parents have given me throughout the years. But now my other half wants a family. Wants children. Wants a lifestyle in which I am reluctant to submit myself to. I wanted to be an independent strong woman. But now I know I am neither of the two adjectives. I believed that even if I was to fall in love in the future, we would live contently as a couple. Building our wealth together. Travel the world together. Falling deeper for each other together. One of us has to let the picture we have created for our future to burn. Rise into the air to make space for the other's.
I have stressed and studied. Practiced until I catch myself repeating what I have already looked at for the past hour. But that was not the most painful. It was realizing that whatever I believed that I was...I'm not. I'm not as bright as I thought I was. I have nothing, am nothing. And that no matter how much I study, I can't change that. It's built within me, given to me through genetics. It's encoded and defines me. The one career I dreamt to be, is beyond my capabilities. That's my ultimate realization. A part of me is still struggling to let all this slip. To forget what my dream was, and what brought me this far. To just let my one direction I thought I was destined to follow to disappear. I want this. But tragically incapable.
Not bright enough.
Not strong enough.
Not anything enough.
I have to handover what I aspire to be to someone else. Look at myself in the mirror, and admit to myself that I don't have what they are looking for.
I wouldn't have ever guessed that I would be completely lost. I thought I was focused and determined. Other things that I have found that I am actually not.
Prior to falling deeply in love, I only thought of myself. I wanted to work in the medical field and live luxuriously alone. Work hard and return the love and compassion my parents have given me throughout the years. But now my other half wants a family. Wants children. Wants a lifestyle in which I am reluctant to submit myself to. I wanted to be an independent strong woman. But now I know I am neither of the two adjectives. I believed that even if I was to fall in love in the future, we would live contently as a couple. Building our wealth together. Travel the world together. Falling deeper for each other together. One of us has to let the picture we have created for our future to burn. Rise into the air to make space for the other's.
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