August 13th .Clear Skies.
Yesterday, I found a medal I won for piano when I was a little kid. "British Columbia Conservatory of Music Festival-2003 Class Winner Tiffany Sit" While I was holding this medal in front of me, I thought, for once in my life, "Maybe I do have talent for the piano." But if I believe in that thought...it would be rather sad. After 8 years of piano...along the way, my talent didn't give up on me, my piano didn't give up on me. I gave up on my piano...my talent...myself. Looking back at the certificates I've won, it was not easy...I still remember how I got that medal, a man was announcing the numerous class winners. As the names kept on getting announced, all these different players came up the stage and got a medal. I was the last one sitting, wondering if I won anything. The man came down to the bench where I was sitting. "And I'm guessing you are Tiffany." I nod.
I guess I've never grown to love the piano and the notes that came from my two hands because I never really thought that I was creating music. I never really sat down and looked at the hands that were making that sound. Everytime I listen to my recordings, I just think, "Oh..it's just me playing piano." I never thought, "Those are my own pair of hands...playing a Beethoven Sonata...my own hands are creating music." I've been creating music with my own hands for so long, and I noticed a few days ago. All I thought when I was little, was that I had to sit on that black bench and look at music notes, and magically move my fingers. I didn't really care what the song sounded like, I just knew I needed my teacher or my parents to say that it's well-played. I am so stupid..aren't I...8 years of playing piano...and I learn the obvious. I've been so attached to my talent for dancing that I just don't notice anything else I do. "What's your talent?" "Dancing." Maybe...just maybe...piano is one of my talents too. But just I never put my heart to it. My hands are playing music. They are creating music around me. Amazing.
Another thing that happened yesterday was something that can make me happy...but can also make my worry a bit. A simple situation, but means a lot. Throughout this Summer, I've talked to him everyday at least once. For once, yesterday, I didn't talk to him until 5:30 or so. During that day, I didn't really know what was wrong wtih me, but I didn't feel like doing anything. I felt so lazy and emotionless. I couldn't even study right. I would read something, and it would just be forgotten right after I read it. But after when him and I finally got to talk I felt so much better. I was filled with emotion and was not tired anymore.
It's just weird how much he means to me now after almost 9 months. That's the good news. But thinking about it more, which I always do, I'm basically counting on him so much with my life. I used to be so much stronger, but now I've count on him so much...and it's not a bad thing since we're together...But if there are times where we have to separate for whatever reason. I would be so weak. I would just be an empty person without him. I know I can have him take this big responsibility because I trust him a lot, but if anytime...anywhere...I lose him...even temporarily...I think I would break down. It's nice to be able to count on someone so much, espicially if that person is trustworthy, but it just scary how I've become so weak now. I used to be able to stand on my own, and help myself when I am in trouble...but it's different now. It'll probably be different forever...
Yesterday, I found a medal I won for piano when I was a little kid. "British Columbia Conservatory of Music Festival-2003 Class Winner Tiffany Sit" While I was holding this medal in front of me, I thought, for once in my life, "Maybe I do have talent for the piano." But if I believe in that thought...it would be rather sad. After 8 years of piano...along the way, my talent didn't give up on me, my piano didn't give up on me. I gave up on my piano...my talent...myself. Looking back at the certificates I've won, it was not easy...I still remember how I got that medal, a man was announcing the numerous class winners. As the names kept on getting announced, all these different players came up the stage and got a medal. I was the last one sitting, wondering if I won anything. The man came down to the bench where I was sitting. "And I'm guessing you are Tiffany." I nod.
I guess I've never grown to love the piano and the notes that came from my two hands because I never really thought that I was creating music. I never really sat down and looked at the hands that were making that sound. Everytime I listen to my recordings, I just think, "Oh..it's just me playing piano." I never thought, "Those are my own pair of hands...playing a Beethoven Sonata...my own hands are creating music." I've been creating music with my own hands for so long, and I noticed a few days ago. All I thought when I was little, was that I had to sit on that black bench and look at music notes, and magically move my fingers. I didn't really care what the song sounded like, I just knew I needed my teacher or my parents to say that it's well-played. I am so stupid..aren't I...8 years of playing piano...and I learn the obvious. I've been so attached to my talent for dancing that I just don't notice anything else I do. "What's your talent?" "Dancing." Maybe...just maybe...piano is one of my talents too. But just I never put my heart to it. My hands are playing music. They are creating music around me. Amazing.
Another thing that happened yesterday was something that can make me happy...but can also make my worry a bit. A simple situation, but means a lot. Throughout this Summer, I've talked to him everyday at least once. For once, yesterday, I didn't talk to him until 5:30 or so. During that day, I didn't really know what was wrong wtih me, but I didn't feel like doing anything. I felt so lazy and emotionless. I couldn't even study right. I would read something, and it would just be forgotten right after I read it. But after when him and I finally got to talk I felt so much better. I was filled with emotion and was not tired anymore.
It's just weird how much he means to me now after almost 9 months. That's the good news. But thinking about it more, which I always do, I'm basically counting on him so much with my life. I used to be so much stronger, but now I've count on him so much...and it's not a bad thing since we're together...But if there are times where we have to separate for whatever reason. I would be so weak. I would just be an empty person without him. I know I can have him take this big responsibility because I trust him a lot, but if anytime...anywhere...I lose him...even temporarily...I think I would break down. It's nice to be able to count on someone so much, espicially if that person is trustworthy, but it just scary how I've become so weak now. I used to be able to stand on my own, and help myself when I am in trouble...but it's different now. It'll probably be different forever...
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