Lost

July 16 .Dark.

Complete sigh. I don't know what's happening to me lately. My mom just yelled at me non-stop, but I didn't say anything when she was because i was so tired. I just cracked when she was away. She just never knows when to stop yelling. I'm so tired of Summer school, the pressure, the feeling that I miss my friends. But she said, "You have no right to sigh in front of my face. What right do you have to sigh?" I can't even sigh now. I'm tired too you know? You don't know have to go through the things I do and I don't have to go through the things you do. We all have our own hardships because we have different roles in life and separate lives. My job is to study, and yours is to look after the house. If you don't let me sigh...I'm going to go insane...

So many things have just rubbed me the wrong way that I don't have faith in me anymore. I'm supposed to always feel that God is always there with me because I'm Christian now. But...after half-way through the Summer...I don't feel him there...I feel bad to admit that because Christians always have to believe in God, and always have to continue your faith through him. I didn't even do my devotions these days because I didn't see the point. I don't feel him there. If he did...why wouldn't he be able to hear my tears and listen to the messages I'm trying to let out every single day? In the beginning, I totally felt him there. It really felt like he was there every step of the way. Even when someone that usually has time for me doesn't, he was always there...ready to listen. I counted so much on him whenever no one else was free. He guided me before I was even close to being lost. I've been waiting and waiting and waiting for him to respond back...to the point where I don't think he'll ever have time for me...No one has time to listen to me anymore...and understand what I'm going through. All they do is know what's happening...and they don't care, or they don't have the time to. So I let it out bit by bit by myself. I don't know who I can tell that would understand how I feel or what I'm going through right now or at least sit down, spend an hour to just listen. Someone that I thought would be there isn't even there...someone that I am supposed to have faith in seems to have disappeared. People always told me that God will always be there because I'm a child of God now...but where are you? Do you hear me? Am I doing something wrong? Please help me...I'm lost.

My Grip is Slipping..

July 11 .Sunny.

It won't stop. It's killing me...

Summer school has started for over a week already. I had at least a bit of confidence before it started because of the results I've had in grade 9. But...the first time I had confidence in a long time has already been crushed. We've already had a couple of tests and most of them...I've done terrible....and it's getting worse and worse. It seems like the more effort I put in it, the more the grade drops. Lower and lower...until my confidence completely dies. The first time I did bad...I vented and I let it go, becuase I know that I can't possibly ace every single test coming at me. Second time, I say to myself, "Keep strong Tiffany...just try even harder next time." Third time...I slept at 3 in the morning. Studying. I wake up at 9:30. Studying. I put my heart and soul into my studying. I gave up all my time. I read it over..and over...and over..and over again. Finally, the day comes where I have to do the final step. The test. I felt a bit of confidence creeping back to my hand which was holding my pencil..waiting for the test to be in front of me. I'm done my test. I'm confident. But...he marked it in less than 20 minutes. I get it back. Almost failed. I blinked. Hard. My eyes are so funny sometimes. Wait. No. It's true-reality. My eyes start to stop blinking..but it was soon filled with water. I hold back. I stop my tears. No one knows. What is this...I don't understand. I was speechless. Nothing. Silence. Mouth closed. Eyes down. "Hold it in...and just let it out when it's completely over." My mom was finally there...picking me up. I opened the backseat door, and just lay there...covering my face with my hair and facing the window. Tears. Pure disappointment.

Ever since Summer, I've been holding my feelings in...how much I miss him...But I knew I had to hold it back if I want to do well in Summer school. "Hold it in...if you let go, you'll crash. You'll die." I tried to focus on studying and didn't really think about how much I need him to be with me...I tried to hold that need in...the need to have him dry my tears...the need to have him kill my pain. But seeing all these bad results...all I wanted was to have him to wipe my tears away and whisper, "It's Ok.." ..even when it isn't. But all I could when this happened...was put my bag down in my room, lie in bed...and cry. No one is there wiping my tears. No voice telling my soul and heart that 'It's Ok'. This day just made me explode and give up holding in these feelings in. I miss him so much. It's taking my heart away. "It's not good enough..." the mark says. But no whisper of 'It's Ok". My tears are still not wiped. Still dripping down. I admit it now. I miss him...so much that it's taking every part of me but my tears and sadness away. Having this happen to me just reminds me how much I need him by my side no matter if it's in the Summer, or in school. I tried to not think about that in the beginning. I tried. Really tried. But this whole situation is breaking me down. It's out of my control. I'm about to go insane. I'm about to let go. My grip is loosening. I'm falling.