Thousands of Paths

Feb 11th .Rainy and Cloudy.

"There are thousands of paths in front of you. Each prepared and ready to go. Don't worry. These paths were all tested and used by former students. These will lead and pass by the next three years of your life. Don't think of turning back because it'll become difficult. Half a month. Think about it and start walking on your chosen path after two weeks."

I'm 15. Not even 16 yet. How can I make a decision for the "19 year-old" me? What do I know about myself? What do I know about the future? What are the things that I will think about...or need...

A few days ago, we had a course selection assembly regarding next year. They were telling us how we need to decide where we want to head, what do we want to end up with, what kind of person we want to be. But I don't know what or who I want to be. I don't know if I can graduate with a scholarship or with outstanding marks. Can I do well in an AP exam, or fight and not get crushed into millions of shards? Where is the point where my potential and intelligence leave me running alone? I don't know what I have to offer. Who am I going to be in the future? Definitely not who I am right now.

Today, Ms. DC talked to me during collaboration, and I knew she wanted to talk to me about course selections in the English area. I don't want to enter into English Honors. I made that clear. I know it may teach me many new techniques and ways to write...but I want my writings to stay 'me'. I want them to be preserved forever by my side. Right beside my heart. She starts to talk about Creative Writing 12, and how it would suit me as a writer. And she uses my "Kite Runner" essay as an example again. "I still mention that essay of yours because that essay was just exceptional. I still remember it even now."

Really? I thought I was the only one thinking that it was a big deal. I thought it was a shooting star. Beautiful when it's there for a split second. But it definitely doesn't last for long. It's meant to be forgotten and disappear in the air. But once again, these compliments makes me freeze; makes my heart skip and stop. Skip...and stop.

But something hits me. Ms. DC loves the way I write, and truly believes that I hold potential. That has been digested already. But everyone has different preferences. Ms. Chow might think I have a lot of flaws and have a lot of things to work on. Ms. Sihota plays on favoritism. Mr. Vanjoff...I remember him. He taught me for two weeks. And he only marked my work once. The one about Vinnie. I still remember getting a 4.5 out of 5. The highest mark in the class...I don't know. Everything is blurry about him. "I hope I can teach you one year again." I think he said. It would be a challenge and an honor to have him teach me again. I can just feel it. Scary but full of uncertainty. But that uncertainty...doesn't give me coldness, but a feeling of endless possibilities and excitement.

Future. I'm frightened of that word. So many words are behind that one bold meaning. Adventure. Wonder. Unknown. Surprise. Secret. Unpredictable. I want to stay a teenager forever. I want to stay the way I am now. I want to go to school, see my friends, go to class, learn new things. I want it like this everyday, and I'll never grow old from it. It'll always be magical and special to me. Everything that happens around and inside that school. Even though I even have times where I want to just give up and plant hatred seeds for my school...I never end up doing it. I just slide those seeds back into my pocket.

I want to always know where I'm heading, and what is a good choice and what isn't. But I also know that that's not how life always goes. Free passes aren't always given. Risks have to be made and pounced on. This is a huge leap that I'm not ready to make at the age of 15. I'm still a girl that doesn't know much. I still have experiences to learn from to make this decision. I can't just leap when I don't know where I'm going to land next, can I?

Leap Past the Sun

Feb 9th .Cloudy.

Midterms are finally over! I didn't think I would make it. But with a 95% in my Chemistry midterm and an 84% in my Physics midterm, I have nothing else to wish for. They aren't 100%, but these marks are more than enough to keep me humble and happy about myself. Another hard obstacle was successfully leaped over. And again, I've learned new lessons.

During the week of my physics preparation, I've made many mistakes, and have shed many tears. I've accumulated bits of my anger and smacked it at Johnny who didn't even deserve it. I've given my mom a lot of bad attitude when she didn't do anything wrong. I've pulled Eric away from his courses at university so I could get help from him. I even dragged Mr. Lee away from his lunch time to help me out. I've made many of my friends worry and donate extra care for me through my breakthroughs too. That week was freakishly emotional. I cried two or three times within one week. I've told myself that "I give up." so many times. I thought that there was no way for me to even get a B on that test. But I've realized...no one was putting myself down, but me. I was my own barrier. I stopped myself from enlarging my chances of winning. Instead, I was shrinking them. But now, I know that it was wrong. I need to have confidence in my academics and what I have to offer. I can't doubt myself anymore. I have potential, like Jenny said...and it's time for me to fully embrace it.

I always stand back up, pick up my pencil, and try new questions over and over again. It's weird how I never end up sitting there and just threw all those papers away. I could even cry for half an hour. But I would dry my tears up easily, and start fresh. Where did I get this strength from? Was it always there? This reminded me that no matter how hard something is, as long as I put my heart out there, and sacrifice everything I can, I can achieve it. It's all about how much you can give. After I gave everything I owned, there was this sense of relief that the marks don't matter anymore. It's the inside that counts. Even after my exam, I told myself, "No matter what grade I get in the end, no matter how many right or wrong I get, I'm proud of myself." There was no little space to slip in regret. I used up everything. I gave up everything. There was nothing more I could have done. I've slept at two and woke up at seven throughout the week. I've spent numerous hours working on physics booklets over and over again. Eric has helped me a lot, and given me so much encouragement that I can do this, and that I have no reason to give up. He believed in me. I know that 84% isn't high, and it's not an A, but now, from 61% in Physics, I'm getting 87% in one single shot. An A. Finally.

Even though that A is a little shaky, I'm confident. I have another test next week to seal up term 2. And I'm not scared. Because I know that no matter how hard it's going to be. I'll fight through it. Even if it means another week of sleeping late, late, late. I'm willing to give up everything to reach my goal. It's time for me to reach my full potential...because I have a group of supporters that I can't ever let down. My friends...and Johnny.