Thousands of Paths

Feb 11th .Rainy and Cloudy.

"There are thousands of paths in front of you. Each prepared and ready to go. Don't worry. These paths were all tested and used by former students. These will lead and pass by the next three years of your life. Don't think of turning back because it'll become difficult. Half a month. Think about it and start walking on your chosen path after two weeks."

I'm 15. Not even 16 yet. How can I make a decision for the "19 year-old" me? What do I know about myself? What do I know about the future? What are the things that I will think about...or need...

A few days ago, we had a course selection assembly regarding next year. They were telling us how we need to decide where we want to head, what do we want to end up with, what kind of person we want to be. But I don't know what or who I want to be. I don't know if I can graduate with a scholarship or with outstanding marks. Can I do well in an AP exam, or fight and not get crushed into millions of shards? Where is the point where my potential and intelligence leave me running alone? I don't know what I have to offer. Who am I going to be in the future? Definitely not who I am right now.

Today, Ms. DC talked to me during collaboration, and I knew she wanted to talk to me about course selections in the English area. I don't want to enter into English Honors. I made that clear. I know it may teach me many new techniques and ways to write...but I want my writings to stay 'me'. I want them to be preserved forever by my side. Right beside my heart. She starts to talk about Creative Writing 12, and how it would suit me as a writer. And she uses my "Kite Runner" essay as an example again. "I still mention that essay of yours because that essay was just exceptional. I still remember it even now."

Really? I thought I was the only one thinking that it was a big deal. I thought it was a shooting star. Beautiful when it's there for a split second. But it definitely doesn't last for long. It's meant to be forgotten and disappear in the air. But once again, these compliments makes me freeze; makes my heart skip and stop. Skip...and stop.

But something hits me. Ms. DC loves the way I write, and truly believes that I hold potential. That has been digested already. But everyone has different preferences. Ms. Chow might think I have a lot of flaws and have a lot of things to work on. Ms. Sihota plays on favoritism. Mr. Vanjoff...I remember him. He taught me for two weeks. And he only marked my work once. The one about Vinnie. I still remember getting a 4.5 out of 5. The highest mark in the class...I don't know. Everything is blurry about him. "I hope I can teach you one year again." I think he said. It would be a challenge and an honor to have him teach me again. I can just feel it. Scary but full of uncertainty. But that uncertainty...doesn't give me coldness, but a feeling of endless possibilities and excitement.

Future. I'm frightened of that word. So many words are behind that one bold meaning. Adventure. Wonder. Unknown. Surprise. Secret. Unpredictable. I want to stay a teenager forever. I want to stay the way I am now. I want to go to school, see my friends, go to class, learn new things. I want it like this everyday, and I'll never grow old from it. It'll always be magical and special to me. Everything that happens around and inside that school. Even though I even have times where I want to just give up and plant hatred seeds for my school...I never end up doing it. I just slide those seeds back into my pocket.

I want to always know where I'm heading, and what is a good choice and what isn't. But I also know that that's not how life always goes. Free passes aren't always given. Risks have to be made and pounced on. This is a huge leap that I'm not ready to make at the age of 15. I'm still a girl that doesn't know much. I still have experiences to learn from to make this decision. I can't just leap when I don't know where I'm going to land next, can I?