A Line is to Separate

April 6th .Dark.

On Sunday, Chris held a birthday party at his house. It was the same place, and we did the same things. But it just didn't feel like the other time we celebrated in grade 9. Last year, it was filled with happiness, laughter, and warmth.Out of the three, only two were present this year. Warmth was absent.Braden was singing ridiculously, Joanna was laughing hysterically...it's all transparent and memorized. If only I can grasp it one more time tightly in my hands, and hear the laughter and happiness that sprung once again. But nothing is held, nothing is heard. This time, it felt hollow from life. People that I didn't really know well were there, and there was no sense of loose comfort. I was silent most of the time, and occasionally laughing at Braden, Victor, and Jordan. All I was thinking about was the last time we celebrated Chris's party and how different it was. I want to go back to grade 9 one last time. For one day.

Sylvanna was also there that day. And that was an additional reason to why I felt uncomfortable. I just don't get it sometimes. I don't know and I don't understand. I've sat down, settled my mind, and concentrated...but nothing came. I still don't understand why Sylvanna still hates me and why she even started to. We were such good friends...and it just disappeared. She started ignoring me and Jane as she started hanging out with the asian crew. She shut us out. I said nothing, and continued on. It was not the first time i was thrown out, and unneeded. But it doesn't mean that the number of times reduces the amount of pain I felt. It always felt the same.

Just like everyone else, I want to feel loved and cared about. In a way, I think it's also about me being spoiled most of the time. At school, I'm always surrounded by people that like me and care for me. And once I meet or see someone that feel different, I get upset. I try so hard to be able to be friends with everyone I know. I try to talk and spend time with them as much I can. I also give them compassion and care. But there still has to be people that don't like me for who I am. And I just want to know what I'm doing wrong so I can fix it and earn redemption.

It hurts. Stamping hatred onto someone for no valid reason. All people can say to me is to just, "Ignore it." or "You'll get over it." I can't. I feel like I'm being picked on. I feel like I'm trapped, having no where else to turn and no where else to run. It's unfair. And even if I did do something wrong, they can't give me a second chance? I don't bite. I don't yell. I don't kill. I'm nothing more than a human being. And in a world filled with humans, we all learn to compromise, forgive, and negotiate.

I've let go of almost all of the hardships and experiences I have went through in grade 8. And I've learned to let go, even though it was the hardest obstacle to crawl through. I've grown. Why can't they just let me go and set me free...

No matter what happens, there will always be a solid line that borders our worlds. Mine. And theirs. I believe in one. They believe in two. I choose right. They choose left. It's inevitable. But I just wish that one day, the border decomposes to just a thin line. It may be bold, dotted, solid, light, or invisible. Just not a line that has hatred and despise injected deep within.