Silent Tears

June 30. .Sunny.

I'm so sorry...

I neglected you. I pushed you aside. I shut myself away from you. I wasn't there for you.

Instead, you continued to be there for me. Every time.

I thought that it was ok. I thought you were ok. I thought that our relationship wasn't meant to be completely defined. I thought that blurs were acceptable between you and me. You let me continue to chase after my dreams, and fight through my personal obstacles. You let me push my frustration against your chest. You would hug me even when I walk away from you. You told me that you loved me even when I believed that everything was going against me. Your gentle kisses...your wishful comments...your ability to make me smile... They are all still here. Perfect condition. I've learned how to embrace each one. Each gift, each blessing. You put yourself aside silently, so I wouldn't notice that I wasn't the only one in pain. You soaked yourself in the rain so you could hold an umbrella for me. Tears were shed. I was missing in your life. I was the one that initiated our hands to touch. And I was also the one that was slowly losing our touch. I wasn't there anymore. And you missed me.

I always knew that he loved me more than I did. But I continued flipping through pages in my room. I continued to keep school my focused target. To me, he was an unwanted distraction. He knew that I hated taking care of babies. He knew that my backpack was already too full to hold him. He knew I was tired of holding burdens. My arms were already holding books. It was all I knew how to hold. I didn't know how to hold him. I didn't want to learn. Instead, he held me.

So every tear he dripped, he was silent. For 6 months. He didn't slip clues. He didn't mention any sadness that he was feeling. I have made our beautiful relationship bland. I made our days filled with empty space. Nothing was sacred between us. Nothing was treasured. While I was selfishly running my own desires, he was alone. Thinking of me. Wishing for me.

I would frown. He would kiss me and make me smile. I would cry. And he would hug me tightly and wipe my tears away. He would whisper those three simple words in my ear. That's all I needed to continue on. To stand back up. And I would just leave, because I had nothing to give back in return...

I have finally felt what it is like. To miss someone to the point where tears just slide down effortlessly.. No hearts were broken. No hands were unconnected. But as loneliness continued to seep past my flesh, I felt the need to be in his arms. It's where I belong. To be with him. But he was there even through this ordeal with me. Hand in hand. Because he knew how it felt. Like always. Why couldn't I do the same for him?

What hurts me most...is that he never told me he was suffering. He put my obstacles before his. And he stayed patient and quiet. He would wipe his own tears. And mine too. I was wrong. I was selfish. I was oblivious. But that makes me love him even more. To know that he would do that for me...is heart wrenching. What he wanted was so simple. Time and affection. But I saw through a lens where it seemed so difficult to supply. But now, I finally feel that it's balanced. It's ready to endure all.

It's true love.

To have you by my side, is my luck.

Ended with Happiness

June 29. .Sunny.

"Great report card," she says.

"Thanks," I respond anxiously.

She hands me the sheet nicely and I welcome it in my hands. Reluctant. I keep my hands down, my head up. Should I just look? But what if all that is waiting for me on the other side is regret...

I stuff it in my bag. I stuff it in my mind far away. But it was inevitable.

I meet back with Minmin, Joanna, and Johnny. All eyes are down, and searching through all spaces on their own paper that was printed clearly.

"How did you do Tiffany?" Joanna asks.

"I don't know I didn't look. Too scared," I simple stated.

"Let me see," she offers her hand.

I reach in my bag, and reached it to her finger's acceptance. Finally out of my own possession.

"The lady that gave me it, said that it was good...but I don't know what her definition of 'good' is..." I explain.

"No...it's good Tiffany...unless you are searching for all 90s," Joanna commented.

"No no, just A's," I begged.

All three of them become scanners instantaneously and invades my report card. I grab it and scan it for myself. I became a scanner too.

My eyes ran and looked everywhere. Every comment, every letter was read. My eyes were cemented firmly and focused. No sense of regret was met. Instead, relief breezed by and sweeped me high above. I smiled, and covered my mouth with my report card. You're joking.

I thought I had no hope in hitting that exact target. I stood there for so long. Wind shook me, rain poured on me, sunlight stared at me. I attempted to aim right before I had to let go. But near the end, I started to shake. Carelessness crept on me slowly. My hands began to shake. Tears started to form through my windows. I held until I wasn't able to anymore. I let it soar and invited endless possibilities.

But it was over already, and I thought I concluded it horribly. It was already recorded, and printed out. It was permanent.But I look up at my work, despite the fear in my eyes.

A masterpiece.

Many hardships have fallen. Three more heading my way.

A mirror is held in front of me. I see that I have what it takes to make my academic dreams come true one more time. I am armed with preservation. But that's all I really need. Own preferences needed to be stripped away. I have to push myself. I have to continue running. No stop signs. No traffic lights. No option of escapism. There is only one straight road ahead and I know exactly where I want to be.

I'm already on my way.