Loneliness

Aug. 10. .Sunny.

Sometimes things sting. Even when they aren't supposed to.

I miss the feeling of being in loving arms, the touch of my lips with his. His warmth shared with mine. The feeling of being wanted, being thought about constantly. Like I mattered the most. The perfect one, and flawlessly his to keep. However, at the end of the day, I sleep alone now. I think for one person: myself. I can be submerged into freedom. I can stretch my fingers towards my goals, focused and defined. But as I see the eyes of people around me in love...I begin to think about what I used to have, used to feel. And now.

Most of the times...
I'm determined. My eyes are focused on my objectives. I don't see anyone around me. I don't care. I don't feel pain. The Power of Invincibility. Nothing can possibly scratch me, pinch me. Realism is what I practice. Facts over opinion. Acting as though everything is a challenge, attempting to work against me. I look forward, dream forward.

Other times...
Loneliness seeps into my heart. Coldness raises the bumps on my skin. I want to find someone to lean on. Because things can get too cold for me. Too lonely. And I would struggle to keep my eyes from watering. And my eyesight fades and smudges. My heart beings to long and yearn for that unconditional love, those magical hugs, those unbelievable kisses. But that is all imaginary. All too simplistic to grasp.

I understand that there will always be those moments. But they can only remain temporarily. Because I need to be strong. I need to fight for what matters. By myself. I know I can't settle with someone that isn't exact. Isn't my perfect fit. My hand has to be able to intertwine with his effortlessly, naturally. Morals and beliefs mirrored. Lips perfectly fitted. And I'll wait for that special intersection in our lives. In the mean time, I'll keep myself busy, legs moving, mind spinning.

Your Difference

Jul. 31. .Sunny.

I thought it was just the surface. Your spine, your cheeks, your jaw. You still bite your nails. You still have this adorable obsession with penguins. But change is change. And you did. Out and in. The deep within diffusing outwards.

That's what makes you unattractive.

"That's where I'll live. Up there. The top floor."

"I didn't remember you being so arrogant. Where did you learn that from? Your new friends?"
"No I'm not arrogant. I just haven't found anything to be humble about yet."

"Yea I help my friends out during tests."

"...what? You help them cheat?"

"Well I'm their friend. I want them to pass. What if your friends needed help?"

"My friends won't need that kind of help. What if you get caught?"

"I won't get caught."

"Your friend asked you what a metaphor was."

"She just wanted to start a conversation."

"No...she left after you answered her question."

"I'm sure she knew what it meant."

They changed you, twisted you. I know that you are a nice guy, a guy that would always stand loyal. Accept all. But loyalty belongs with the deserved. They don't. I would smile for you, spread wide on my canvas. My heart would rest. But ever since I saw you again. It couldn't.

I first thought that I could help you, bring you back. But I have realized that it can't happen. You want to stay dark. Brightly shady. And you will always put them above us. Those people that only ask for answers on tests, force you for short cuts. You can shield them, protect them. But you know deep inside that they are who they are. And they are not trying to hide it themselves. So why should you try cover up who they are?

Because you are embarrassed too.

I wanted to care for you, take you in. Heal you. But you obviously don't want my warmth. And your neglect only helps me loosen my hold. Frankly, I don't want to possibly love someone like you. I'm tired of your reluctance to accept the truth. Continue to lie. Lie all by yourself. Once again. One after the other.

I thought I was being selfish. That all I wanted was your affection and attention. But I've hit another epiphany: I don't want to be put in the same level as your 'dearest' friends. I don't belong there. And I'm done trying. You live your life. Discover things yourself.

If you were stuck in any obstacles, we would always do whatever we can to save you. But your friends...? How far would they go for you? How much are they willing to give? Would they cry for you?

I would have.