Torn

Who am I?

These past months have been the hardest of my life. I've lost almost everything. 

There are only miles between us. Although we still try to make ends meet, nothing is the same anymore. We are no longer together. I always thought that all I never needed anyone in high school. Just my brain, my grades. I don't even know what those mean anymore. 

Walking alone in the cold, ears stuffed with my earphones. I just don't want to think about anything. I'm too scared to let my mind wander. So I strapped it. Tied it down. Lied to it. My mouth, taped. Muted. I have nothing to share. Nothing to express. I thought I was like that in high school. Proven wrong once again.

I take it, and leave. 

The thought of getting kicked out of school does not scare me. I walk blindly everyday anyways. I feel so helpless. People constantly tell me to not worry, that I can do it. Once the competition has been opened up to me, I notice how insignificant I am. My marks are. How stupid I am. 

Eric sometimes highlights that stupidity to me. I thought I would never think like this. I believed that there is no reason to question why someone would pick another to be his or her partner. But like everything else I believed, I lost it. After many years of high school, I finally hit my climax in confidence in regards to my capabilities. I took so long to build that. But university rip this apart for me. 

Start over.

Intelligence has, once again, become a sensitive area. I used take pride in my maturity, my wisdom. I know I am a lot smarter than most my age. But with Eric, both of my academic and social pride has been hushed, defying everything that I thought was real. 

What can I say. If I am proven wrong, I can only stand there motionless. Take it and leave. 

"Your mom was complimenting you so much to her friends last night. She knows that her daughter is filled with determination and expectations. She knows that you know how to deal with any type of situations and act appropriately. She is so proud of you," my aunt whispered on the phone.

I don't know who my mom is describing. 

I wish I can be this girl. 

I remember that  my parents was my greatest motivation. My love for them. Their love for me. I wanted to them to make their sacrifices worthwhile. Make them proud. I would work so hard. I forgot why I would. 

I lost my identity. I lost my reason. 

Why continue...

Happy Graduation

These couple weeks have demonstrated to me what high school really is.

A place where friendships are made and torn. People walking around masked and unmasked. Seeking for acceptance and sending out rejection. It's heart break.

This grad dinner has revealed who I am surrounded with in this building.

I looked at you and waited for your apology. But I only receive a blank stare in return. Thanks. Now get out of my life.

"I'll just try to find a seat at a table for you, maybe at a table near mine."
Why thank you. Because I live my life to just be around you. I am simply a charity you are donating to. Wake up.

How can you both choose your boyfriends and act like there is nothing wrong. I understand. It's not your problem anymore, but only mine. My concern, and your solution. Because a relationship built within half a year defines your five years of being in high school better than a friendship solidified and embroidered delicately with memories for four years. But both of you just discussed among yourselves, reaching a mutual agreement and ditched the idea of making our table work. Evidently, there was no consideration in regards to me. Both of you have your boyfriends to run to. Who do I run to? Eric isn't there to protect me, or shelter me. I'm your friend aren't I? Shouldn't either one of you realize that maybe, just maybe, that I need to be included in this issue? What did you think...that I'll figure it out myself when I go to the dinner and realize that my seat is actually in the far right corner with random strangers?

And the day after this, you act like nothing is wrong. You both just ignore me, waiting for me to be the first to reach out. Let's refresh our memory: I'm the one in pain. I'm the one that got left behind. You should do the U-turn, and try to find me. I won't chase a car, knowing that I am already limping in pain and completely stunned about what you two have done. You two drove away. Sped and didn't look back.

Happy Graduation.

This whole arrangement showed me that when there is a time where we, as an entire grade, need to gather up in the groups of ten, I have nowhere to go to. My friends that I expected to be right behind me, left before I even turned back to check. Embarrassment is only a description with accuracy if it is used to depict the tip of my emotions. I don't know how to tell my new boyfriend. That his girlfriend is actually one that is not especially welcomed or loved at school. But one that chooses to shut people out, resulting in an embarrassing situation such as this.

It makes me question.

Should I just be immature? Should I just fake and lie? Because it seems like my rejection towards those questions are the main reason why I struggle to find friends in high school. Instead of partying every week, I choose to study by myself, synchronized with my music plugged into my ears. That's all I thought I needed. I thought I just needed to count on myself. That's what my mom always told me. But when these social events come up, I, me, and myself will not suffice. Unfortunately, each of my textbooks can't be considered a member of my own group.

And this whole fiasco only makes me more paranoid, even more sensitive, timid. Even the people I have decided to really trust have tricked me. So who will do so next?

I'm so exhausted. I've tried so hard to limit my friends to the barest. To a point where I almost don't have any friends. And I still end up the one in pain. The one in regret and disappointment.