Met You Already

I don't know what you really want from me.

You say that you don't want to meet me yet. Until things settle. Fine. You can keep sitting on your high horse. Your guards up high. Even though I don't believe in holding onto such traditional values in the 21st century, I can't stop you.

But why do these things.

You constantly tell Eric to give me jewelry that you find at your home. Chocolate than you don't want. Tell me that I don't need to take it. That puts me in a tough situation. If I don't take it, it's like I'm saying that I don't want your crap. My tastes are very particular. Always were. I buy what I want. No one else does. I appreciate thoughtful gifts. Not ones you dig up and give for no reason. Well one reason: to get rid of them. Don't give me things that are old and things you don't want. It's insulting. You established this strict boundary between us. I followed it closely. I respected you. I would only expect close friends or family members to give me hand-me-downs. Not someone that I've never met and also made our relationship, or lack thereof, clear.

You then tell Eric to ask me about Ms. Chow's exams. So I can help your younger son. So what is this. You  expect me to just help you. Maybe because I need to be oh-so grateful about your "gifts". Why would I want to help someone that doesn't even want to meet me. So I have no right to say anything. I just do as you command. Don't meet you. Open my mouth and tell you what you want to know. You don't want me to bother you, but you can do as you like with me.

I did it anyways. Not because I didn't see the wrongs. Not because I was intimidated. I love Eric. And I know he loves you.

And your friends need to leave me alone.

I'm a regular girl. I don't deserve to be put onto a table and be criticized by any of you. I don't know how any of you look. You don't know how I look either. Why don't just leave it like that.

Vinnie's mom believes whatever her insecure and shameless daughter says.  And she brings it up to you and the rest of your friends. Embarrasses you. Saying that your son is dating a "loose" girl. Vinnie's mom should just look at her own. Slept and cheated. More dirty than what I can ever imagine.

More enemies than friends. More embarrassment than compassion. Are those what you call friends?

You return home, question Eric. You don't even believe your own son. I don't know if you believe what was said about me. Doesn't matter. Great first impression.

We've met already.

Torn

Who am I?

These past months have been the hardest of my life. I've lost almost everything. 

There are only miles between us. Although we still try to make ends meet, nothing is the same anymore. We are no longer together. I always thought that all I never needed anyone in high school. Just my brain, my grades. I don't even know what those mean anymore. 

Walking alone in the cold, ears stuffed with my earphones. I just don't want to think about anything. I'm too scared to let my mind wander. So I strapped it. Tied it down. Lied to it. My mouth, taped. Muted. I have nothing to share. Nothing to express. I thought I was like that in high school. Proven wrong once again.

I take it, and leave. 

The thought of getting kicked out of school does not scare me. I walk blindly everyday anyways. I feel so helpless. People constantly tell me to not worry, that I can do it. Once the competition has been opened up to me, I notice how insignificant I am. My marks are. How stupid I am. 

Eric sometimes highlights that stupidity to me. I thought I would never think like this. I believed that there is no reason to question why someone would pick another to be his or her partner. But like everything else I believed, I lost it. After many years of high school, I finally hit my climax in confidence in regards to my capabilities. I took so long to build that. But university rip this apart for me. 

Start over.

Intelligence has, once again, become a sensitive area. I used take pride in my maturity, my wisdom. I know I am a lot smarter than most my age. But with Eric, both of my academic and social pride has been hushed, defying everything that I thought was real. 

What can I say. If I am proven wrong, I can only stand there motionless. Take it and leave. 

"Your mom was complimenting you so much to her friends last night. She knows that her daughter is filled with determination and expectations. She knows that you know how to deal with any type of situations and act appropriately. She is so proud of you," my aunt whispered on the phone.

I don't know who my mom is describing. 

I wish I can be this girl. 

I remember that  my parents was my greatest motivation. My love for them. Their love for me. I wanted to them to make their sacrifices worthwhile. Make them proud. I would work so hard. I forgot why I would. 

I lost my identity. I lost my reason. 

Why continue...