Last Days of June

June 28th .Sunny.

I finally got baptized! I'm finally a child of God! Nancy came over to sleep on Saturday, and went to church with me today. Everyone was so happy for me, and they prepared cake, presents, and cards. Rosemary gave Jessica, Natasha, and I a gift that was very similar. It was a little bird on a rock. The only differences between the three presents we each received is that the birds are all different in posture and color, and the rock the bird rests on has either the word, "Love", "Faith", or "Hope". These three were mentioned in a verse in the bible. When Rosemary told me about the meanings in the presents as she gave me one, I wished mine is either "Love" or "Hope". I actually got "Love"! Jessica got "Faith" with a yellow bird, and Natasha got "Hope" with a red bird. Aside from thinking about all the nice things after I'm baptized, I also have to think about the serious topics. I need to follow rules and requirements that God has proposed. I don't know if I'll always be doing them perfectly or at the right time...which worries me. Becoming a child of God has so much requirements and meaning in it. During baptism I had to keep on saying "I do" or "I renounce them." But I guess all I can do is try my best!

When Nancy and I were playing cards at 2 to 3:30ish in the morning, we got on the topic of Eric. She told me that he was online these past days. But I didn't really notice...but I guess I just didn't pay attention. He didn't go online for a long time, and it's not like I miss him anymore.

Nancy: "Did you see his personal message? It said 'XC...'" (XC is supposed to look like a sad face...)
Tiffany: "No..I didn't even know he was online these days."
"He probably saw your personal message saying, 'I love you' and stuff, and was really upset. Since he would always talk to you when he's on MSN...and ask you if you're taken yet."
"I'm starting to feel bad now. Even though I don't like him anymore, I still don't want to hurt him."
"He's probably screwed because you are finally taken now."
"Maybe that's why he didn't talk to me at all when he came online these days...and just left a sad face on his personal message..."

We talked more about how even when no one wanted him, I still wanted him. I was still there for him, and he just threw me out, and said bad things about me to Nancy, how I didn't give him freedom. After not even a year we break up, he crawls back to me? What does he expect if I don't go out with someone else? Have an online relationship with him? I loved him so passionately, and he threw me out. After he knew that the rock was actually a diamond, he begs on his knees to get it back...

Really, Eric? Are your thoughts that naive? Weren't YOU the one that only liked me because of my looks? Weren't YOU the one that was complaining about how I wasn't giving you space? When you didn't even tell me in that whole relationship that you wanted any. Weren't YOU the one that said that you didn't want me anymore? Didn't YOU say that you didn't need me anymore, and that all I was was just a bother? I don't have what you need? Was your love for me really just skin-deep? You can't find a better girl in Korea and you come back...crawling like a bug to me...but didn't you act like the giant, and wasn't I the mouse? Now you think all those memories and laughter we had together are important? hm...I think you are...3 years late? No 'sorry', no gratitude, no compassion. And you already expect me to forgive you and on top of that be with you somehow and not have another person for the rest of my life? Yes...I loved you like crazy. I thought I couldn't live without you. You were my life. You were...everything that was mentioned in love songs. I knew I loved you more, but I didn't even care...Even though the wound you left me with is a scar now...at least it stopped bleeding. Give me back those days that I wasted thinking about you, crying for you, drinking for you, and hating myself. Then I'll give you forgiveness and compassion. I already gave you so much even when you gave me nothing...it's enough. I've had enough of you. If I could ever get rid of the fossil of our relationship in my heart completely, that would be so great...because I would only have disgust for you.


---

Then we suddenly start talking about Austin...

Tiffany: "So how's Austin doing?"
Nancy: "A few days ago I mentioned you on MSN when I was talking to him and he said, 'Don't even mention her anymore...she gives me bad memories..."
"Oh...."

So I'm planning to e-mail Austin about what happened in grade 6 that we never recovered from. I know I'm VERY late. But I don't think I would of even thought I did anything wrong until I was grade 9. I don't even remember exactly what happened. All I know is that I did such mean things to him...and it's about time I at least leave a good message if we end our friendship officially since we won't even see each other again...not that I even want to to be honest, because even if I patch things up by e-mailing him, our friendship...is already all torn up by my immature grade 6 self...And I don't want to be like an Eric That's for sure.

Not Enough...Just Not Enough...

June 8th .Sunny.

There was an award ceremony at school. It was for people that did really well in a special subject, or had straight A's for the two terms. I knew that I wouldn't win anything, so that wasn't a shocker. I thought that attending it would just be a good time to take a rest from my usual blocks. It was pretty nice to see my friends go up the stage and get their certificate, because I know that they worked really hard for it and they really deserve it. I felt so happy for them, because my friends are able to be rewarded like that. But halfway through the program, I started to feel really sad. I just suddenly felt really bad about my own accomplishments. When I first got my straight A's I was really happy and proud of myself. But after seeing these people getting these rewards for accomplishing such a hard task...it kind of took away the happiness that I felt about my good grades....like it's not good enough. It's like comparing these awards to straight A's...straight A's are nothing. But I already tried so hard...and for some reason, it's just not enough. I might just be greedy, but in another way, I might just want to do as well as possible, and reach as high as the standards are. Seeing the applauses my friends and classmates received...I felt jealous, to be honest. I didn't feel this for so long. Usually, when someone sees these things, they start to feel terrible and want to change. But I don't have anything change. I already try as hard as I can in everything I have. I thought I worked so hard, and I thought I did really well this school year...but I guess that's not the real results in reality. That is really disappointing. I worked as hard as anyone this school year. It's not the fact that I didn't get an award...that's not the point at all...it's the feeling that my best wasn't good enough. It's the fact that I thought I was doing awesome...when really...my 'awesome' is not close to getting the applauses and smiles from the principal or the audience was giving. I could care less about the paper with my name on it. That doesn't mean anything to me. It's the message behind it. "You're are still not as hard working as any one of the people on that stage. You seemed to have worked hard...but it's not good enough. You're just not born with brains...maybe..." I'm probably not as smart as half of the people that won awards, but I'm...kind of sad that just because I'm not smart as them, my hard work, time, and effort doesn't mean anything. It's not enough for anyone to actually acknowledge my hard work. It's scary to think that this whole world is like that. So many people don't care about the heart and the intentions...they just care about the results...I might be being really greedy right now...but that's how I feel. I know that I shouldn't ask for more when I already got straight A's in the second term and 7 in the first term because there are people that did worse...but I just want my effort to be acknowledged. It seriously felt like a punch in the stomach. For these 10 months, I tried non-stop. I thought about my homework and tests coming up everyday, so I can get great marks on them, or as high as I can possibly make them. I would stress about my marks, I would cry, I would fight for it, and I would pick myself back up so I don't decide to give up. I know there are people out there that did that too and continued to do that throughout their whole life, but most of them get acknowledged. I'm not saying that I'm the one that is suffering the most, but no matter how much I'm hurt or how less...I still am.