Not Enough...Just Not Enough...

June 8th .Sunny.

There was an award ceremony at school. It was for people that did really well in a special subject, or had straight A's for the two terms. I knew that I wouldn't win anything, so that wasn't a shocker. I thought that attending it would just be a good time to take a rest from my usual blocks. It was pretty nice to see my friends go up the stage and get their certificate, because I know that they worked really hard for it and they really deserve it. I felt so happy for them, because my friends are able to be rewarded like that. But halfway through the program, I started to feel really sad. I just suddenly felt really bad about my own accomplishments. When I first got my straight A's I was really happy and proud of myself. But after seeing these people getting these rewards for accomplishing such a hard task...it kind of took away the happiness that I felt about my good grades....like it's not good enough. It's like comparing these awards to straight A's...straight A's are nothing. But I already tried so hard...and for some reason, it's just not enough. I might just be greedy, but in another way, I might just want to do as well as possible, and reach as high as the standards are. Seeing the applauses my friends and classmates received...I felt jealous, to be honest. I didn't feel this for so long. Usually, when someone sees these things, they start to feel terrible and want to change. But I don't have anything change. I already try as hard as I can in everything I have. I thought I worked so hard, and I thought I did really well this school year...but I guess that's not the real results in reality. That is really disappointing. I worked as hard as anyone this school year. It's not the fact that I didn't get an award...that's not the point at all...it's the feeling that my best wasn't good enough. It's the fact that I thought I was doing awesome...when really...my 'awesome' is not close to getting the applauses and smiles from the principal or the audience was giving. I could care less about the paper with my name on it. That doesn't mean anything to me. It's the message behind it. "You're are still not as hard working as any one of the people on that stage. You seemed to have worked hard...but it's not good enough. You're just not born with brains...maybe..." I'm probably not as smart as half of the people that won awards, but I'm...kind of sad that just because I'm not smart as them, my hard work, time, and effort doesn't mean anything. It's not enough for anyone to actually acknowledge my hard work. It's scary to think that this whole world is like that. So many people don't care about the heart and the intentions...they just care about the results...I might be being really greedy right now...but that's how I feel. I know that I shouldn't ask for more when I already got straight A's in the second term and 7 in the first term because there are people that did worse...but I just want my effort to be acknowledged. It seriously felt like a punch in the stomach. For these 10 months, I tried non-stop. I thought about my homework and tests coming up everyday, so I can get great marks on them, or as high as I can possibly make them. I would stress about my marks, I would cry, I would fight for it, and I would pick myself back up so I don't decide to give up. I know there are people out there that did that too and continued to do that throughout their whole life, but most of them get acknowledged. I'm not saying that I'm the one that is suffering the most, but no matter how much I'm hurt or how less...I still am.