A Path to Walk Alone

August 27th .SUPER Hot.



The first few days in Hong Kong was hard. Very hard. I thought: This is not a path I want to ever take again. It's too painful to be away from my friends. Espicially when it came to him. I probably cried around 5 times in 2 days. When the airplane started to take flight...the lift from the ground made my eyes start streaming. "I'm off the land that holds every part of me. I'm away from my friends, and him now...officially." Like I said, in the beginning I thought that this is not a road that I ever want to go through again. Yes, it's hard. Having a person in your head whenever you see a couple holding hands or doing what you two usually do...it's hard. All I think about when I see that is: I wish that I can do that too. But this isn't something like what I did to surprise him in the library...this is in another part of the world. There are no surprises...just bitter reality. What can I do? ...Just go through it day by day, minute by minute...second by second. What else can I do? I really thought that living without him would be so hard. It was. But I have learned in these few days that I have to use what I already have, and make the best of it since that's something that everyone has to do in their lifetime at least once. So I guess this path is ALL bad...just emotional at times. Although there are still times where I miss him to death, no tears come out! Completely dry! But in the beginning, the night before I left for Hong Kong, I typed out an email to him. That was...so hard to type out. Every single word was so difficult. That was the time to say 'good bye'. ...Something that I never liked to do. My eyes was like a water fountain that night. I couldn't stop myself. The tears wouldn't stop. But, that is over now, all I have is the present, and every second I try to make the best out of it...even when the best is still without him or my friends. For a person that bases her life on her friends, school, and electronics, this is a real challenge.

Coming back from Canada, and meeting my relatives again, makes me happy. They still didn't change. They are still the way they are. My biggest auntie is still really good at cooking, and still loves to take care of me and her other nephews and neice. My second auntie is still working hard, and hugs me like crazy saying that I'm pretty...and so forth...(HER SWEET LIES). My little auntie is still loud, and strict. But still funny and filled with her jokes. My uncle is still very caring, and supportive. My smallest uncle is still the same...but a lot of fatter...like my oldest cousin says, Catherine: Bring uncle to the hospital, he's going to give birth soon. Seeing them this happy can't make me anymore happier. As long as they are happy I am. The next time I will probably come here is when I graduate probably. But at the time, I'll probably bring Nancy and maybe him. Aside from this need to see my friends in Canada, coming back from Hong Kong made me so much happier...and fatter....= =

My Own Hands, My Own Strength

August 13th .Clear Skies.

Yesterday, I found a medal I won for piano when I was a little kid. "British Columbia Conservatory of Music Festival-2003 Class Winner Tiffany Sit" While I was holding this medal in front of me, I thought, for once in my life, "Maybe I do have talent for the piano." But if I believe in that thought...it would be rather sad. After 8 years of piano...along the way, my talent didn't give up on me, my piano didn't give up on me. I gave up on my piano...my talent...myself. Looking back at the certificates I've won, it was not easy...I still remember how I got that medal, a man was announcing the numerous class winners. As the names kept on getting announced, all these different players came up the stage and got a medal. I was the last one sitting, wondering if I won anything. The man came down to the bench where I was sitting. "And I'm guessing you are Tiffany." I nod.

I guess I've never grown to love the piano and the notes that came from my two hands because I never really thought that I was creating music. I never really sat down and looked at the hands that were making that sound. Everytime I listen to my recordings, I just think, "Oh..it's just me playing piano." I never thought, "Those are my own pair of hands...playing a Beethoven Sonata...my own hands are creating music." I've been creating music with my own hands for so long, and I noticed a few days ago. All I thought when I was little, was that I had to sit on that black bench and look at music notes, and magically move my fingers. I didn't really care what the song sounded like, I just knew I needed my teacher or my parents to say that it's well-played. I am so stupid..aren't I...8 years of playing piano...and I learn the obvious. I've been so attached to my talent for dancing that I just don't notice anything else I do. "What's your talent?" "Dancing." Maybe...just maybe...piano is one of my talents too. But just I never put my heart to it. My hands are playing music. They are creating music around me. Amazing.

Another thing that happened yesterday was something that can make me happy...but can also make my worry a bit. A simple situation, but means a lot. Throughout this Summer, I've talked to him everyday at least once. For once, yesterday, I didn't talk to him until 5:30 or so. During that day, I didn't really know what was wrong wtih me, but I didn't feel like doing anything. I felt so lazy and emotionless. I couldn't even study right. I would read something, and it would just be forgotten right after I read it. But after when him and I finally got to talk I felt so much better. I was filled with emotion and was not tired anymore.

It's just weird how much he means to me now after almost 9 months. That's the good news. But thinking about it more, which I always do, I'm basically counting on him so much with my life. I used to be so much stronger, but now I've count on him so much...and it's not a bad thing since we're together...But if there are times where we have to separate for whatever reason. I would be so weak. I would just be an empty person without him. I know I can have him take this big responsibility because I trust him a lot, but if anytime...anywhere...I lose him...even temporarily...I think I would break down. It's nice to be able to count on someone so much, espicially if that person is trustworthy, but it just scary how I've become so weak now. I used to be able to stand on my own, and help myself when I am in trouble...but it's different now. It'll probably be different forever...