Escapism.

Jan 14. .Dark.

Before the Winter break, I had to do an English Essay on The Kite Runner. Just like always, I was a bit confident going into class, and writing without any music or unlimited time given. And finally, the result came this week. Mark first. It's not a low or an extremely high. I guess it was what I deserved. My eyes start to scan the pages slowly in detail. "I'd like a copy of this as a sample." it said. My eyes widen. I blink. Checked again. Stared at it for awhile. You're joking. Ms. DC somehow ends up standing beside me handing out papers and talking to students as they all looked at their essays. "You want a copy?" I asked without thinking clearly. Ms. DC looks at me and then at the essay I was holding. "Oh yes." She said calmly. "So I'll print out a copy and fix it up a bit?" once again, I wasn't thinking before I let my words slide out. "Is that ok?" She asked nicely. "Yup!" Are you kidding me...I'm honored.

Even in elementary, I was never the student that wrote outstandingly. I just wrote. I remember a time where I tried my best on a book report, and my grade seven teacher didn't write anything but, "Did you copy this from a book?" That's all she wrote. No. I didn't copy. I wrote it...with my own hands, with my own mind, with my own imagination. Thinking back on that situation, I feel so insulted. But I still thought that I would be the last person that would be good at English. The only reason why I started to blog again is because I wanted to vent. I wanted to type out anything that made me smile, laugh, confused, or cry. Who would know....that in the first month of 2010...a teacher actually asks to keep my piece. To other people, they might think, "Oh it's just a sample. Big deal." But it's so much more than that to me. I always thought that I'm a girl that doesn't have much to offer, or much potential. I'm just a person that loves to study and style. Two aspects that are totally opposite from one another. I thought I had nothing...or I was nothing. Although I still think that about myself, I think at least now, I'm still empty...but with a tiny spark. I have always received sweet comments about my writing from friends and Ms. DC. But that request made me completely sure that I have this. I have talent for writing. I don't know how strong this talent is. But I love it.

When I started piano, I was always told that I wasn't good enough compared to Jason or Mandy. I was always the third place when the three of us are together. They are both so smart. And even if I'm close, they are still always higher. They are always better. My mom would always remind me. I could even tell my dad was disappointed in me at times. I know that they are skilled, and I'm not. I've heard it over and over again. I think I get it. I know. I understand. I gave it a lot of thought. But this is who I am. I know I'm far from perfection in any category. But I can't do anything about it even if I wish I could.

When I gave up, I started to hate piano. Every time I hit those keys, I always knew in my heart that no matter what I feel inside when I play...it's just not enough to be noticed. So I gave up. I continued to play. But my heart was absent. It took over seven years for me to notice that I'm not compared anymore and that the piano is there...ready for me to play on it. It won't judge me. It won't criticize me like my parents. My friends have told me, "You're so talented." No...Mandy and Jason are. The word 'talented' doesn't fit with me. I just play the piano.

That's how it always was. No matter how I try. It's just an undeniable fact. Maybe I don't play for my parent's pleasure and pride. I also don't play for people to praise. I play piano the same reason why I write. For myself to tell a secret. When I play, I tell my piano a secret. When I write, I tell a secret to a person that reads it. Not being the best isn't a factor anymore. Writing and playing piano is my escapism from judgement. I get judged almost everywhere I go nowadays. School. Countless amount of people talk and judge. My parents judge. But now, I've found my own hiding spot again... and I will never lose it ever again.