Tell Me Little White Lies

Jan 29th .Cloudy, Rainy.

"That's ok."

Slap.

"I'll just work harder."

Slap.

"I'll just give up my sleep."

Slap.

From up top, I fell down low.

Today, in Socials, we finally got our tests back. I knew I messed up one section and probably cost me ten whole marks. He hands the test back. No compliment given. This can't be good. I look for the red markings on the top of the sheet. Forty seven out of Sixty. I thought so. I look through it in detail. If I didn't mix up Federal and Provincial...I would of received fifty-seven. I knew the material. All of it. Should I tell him? If I do...what is he going to do...what do I want him to do...I know it's my own fault for mixing up the two in the first place. I shouldn't say anything right?

He calls me up to tell me my current mark. I couldn't help but mention that section where I messed up. My own mouth was out of my control somehow.

"Uh..Tiffany. You have...eighty-eight percent right now."
"Oh thanks. Um...about the test, for the Federal and Provincial part, I mixed those two up and got zero rather than ten..."

"Oh really? I noticed that you were doing so well on the test but suddenly messed up on that section. I thought you were too busy to study that part."

"Oh no...I mixed them up. So...I got zero..."
He pauses and stares at his desk filled with papers and books.
It was silent.

"Sorry...I'm not telling you to give me bonus marks. It's ok. I just wanted to tell you what had happened."
He stares at the computer monitor.

"You kn-"
"It's really ok. I know it's my fault for mixing it up in the first place."

He looks at me.
"Ok."

"Kay. Thanks." I smiled.

I know it's not right for him to give me those marks even though I knew the material almost perfectly. I shouldn't have mixed them up in the first place. It's not his fault. It's mine...and I should accept the consequences. Everything is learnt by a lesson taught. And I've learned.

In Physics, Mr. Fuerderer, as always, isn't teaching much. He assigns a work sheet and leaves the room. I start to work. I understood everything but one little part. I catch a glimpse of Azra, the girl sitting beside me, looking at my paper. I didn't want to cover it up. I didn't want to be mean. I kept my paper there. And leaned back. Mr. Fuerderer finally comes back and our group asks him the question I didn't understand. He looks at Azra's piece of paper. "This is good work." I just stared at her paper...with nothing to say.

He starts to hand back out our quiz. I get mine. I see...the number three. Out of ten. "I knew it." I said with my face. Another slap.

Our group finished the worksheet first and we left the class at 2:45. I decided to go find Mr. Lee earlier since he doesn't teach a class in the last block. I look in. A couple of grade 12 or 11 girls are sitting around his desk. "Should I come back later..." I thought. But my feet didn't listen. They continued to move forward.

"Hey Mr. Lee."
"Hey."

"Um...can I talk to you now instead?"

"Sure."

The girls stop talking.

"Um...I was wondering if you could help me out with physics."

"What? I'm not a physics teacher though...I'm a math teacher." He said jokingly.

"But it's basically math..."

"Who is your teacher?"

"...Mr. Fuerderer" I mumbled. For some reason, it was so hard to say his name aloud.

"Oh."

"See? You know what I mean..."

"Well these girls might be able to help you."

I glance over.

"Isn't it just plugging in numbers..." One girl said.
I was empty from words...I felt like crying. If Mr. Lee isn't willing to help me, I don't know what I can do. Eric is busy with university, and so is my brother. And these girls making it sound like it's so easy just makes me want to cry even more. I feel stupid enough.

"Tell you what, I can try to help you but I can't guarantee that I can help entirely. But how do you want me to help you."

"I don't know...I was thinking about doing some questions and if I have anything I don't understand I could go and at least try to ask you."

"Sure, I'm free Monday at lunch."

"I just finished my physics block right now, because I finished the worksheet."

"Do you have any review material?"

"Uh...he has some online."

"Go ahead and use my computer. Ask me if you don't get anything."

"Thanks...."

As the clock hits 3:11, I say thanks to Mr. Lee and head upstairs. My cheeks turn warm, as I'm holding my tears back behind me. Chris passes by me, and instantly, like always, he could tell that something was wrong.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing..." I whisper. I try to walk away from him.

He moves to the side to blocks my path.

I stop and look down.

"No seriously...what is wrong." He demanded.

"Nothing...really Chris. I'm just tired."

"...fine.." He lets me go.

I walk away hurriedly. I can't let anyone think there is something bothering me. But each step I took to walk up the stairs...my eyelids were getting harder and harder to hold all those tears. My eyes became blurry. My arms got weak. My legs slowed down. My hands uncurled. As I reached the top, I see Johnny heading my way. Shit.

He sees my expression, and just like Chris, he knew something was wrong. He hugged me like always. "Can you just...don't." I attempted to say softly. I wanted to slowly move his arms away...but I couldn't even manage that. I was too tired. I was too dependent on him. I shouldn't have been mean to him. But I was too tired....to think...to hold...to breathe...

At the lockers, I just pretend that everything is fine. My fake smile finally lit up. And Minmin cheered me up a little, but I still felt very strained. I felt my smile cracking. It was about to go off and shatter.

It was raining. Unlike with my other friends, I wasn't afraid to let my emotions flow out to Johnny. I continued to throw a little tantrum at him. He hugged my back suddenly.

"I love you." he whispered.

"I don't love Physics." I said bluntly.

"You'll do better next time." he whispered.

"No I won't."

But he continued to hug me. He continues to love me.

If he held any longer...I would of gave in. I would of cried on his shoulder. I would of burdened him.

I've told myself that white lie so many times. I need stop lying to myself and face reality. Face-forward, that this is how it's going to be. How can it better...How can I make it better... How can I succeed... I only got an A once in that class. Once. I'm so tired and scared of lying to myself again...that somehow I can manage to do this. I don't want to pull myself back up. I don't want to fall down again. I'll be smart this time, and stay at the bottom where it's impossible to fall any lower. But I also know...that I never end up sitting down. I always end up standing and lying to myself one more time.

My mom picked me up and I just loosened my grip and let my books fall on the seat. I sat down and just stared through the crystallized window. It was moody...but so clear. Heading up the stairs, I didn't feel like eating, talking, or smiling. I just wanted to stuff myself in my warm blankets and lie to myself one last time. One soothing lie. I am far away from my concerns. But even in bed, I was crying. Even when Johnny sent me a message, I was crying.I just wanted to avoid everything and everyone. I wanted to find my door of escapism. Away from all things...even him. Even myself.