Welcome the New, Keep the Old

Jan 21 .Cloudy.

Today, I had another class of English; the one and only class I feel completely comfortable to be in with a teacher. We were going through some propaganda pictures for our latest project, and when it had ended, Ms. DC began talking about the past essay and how it was just 'lukewarm' for our class. Suddenly, I see her lean to get a thin pile of paper from her desk. She starts to hand it out. "Here is an example of an essay that Tiffany wrote." She looks at me. My whole face felt loose and I opened my mouth like I wanted to say something. But I didn't. "Is that ok Tiffany?" She asked when she saw my uncontrolled expression. I nod speechlessly. "You're kidding..." I thought.

She starts to read it and lecture to the class about how I wrote my essay and what strategy I used. Strategy? Technique? I've never even considered those terms whenever I write. I just write and consider if I like the sound of the sentences I write down. After she was done lecturing for fifteen minutes or so, Nicole, Lucida, and Bella compliment my writing. "That was so good! You should be writer." They said. Dazed. Yeah. That's the word I can use to describe how I felt. Just dazed. "Thanks" I said with a smile. I just couldn't believe that this was happening.

"Wow.."

That's the only word I could think of. I didn't feel pride or confidence after that situation. I just felt really warm inside. To be acknowledged and complimented by so many people in one day was awakening. I just can't believe it. I don't feel proud. But I feel so surprised and amazed. As Ms. DC was reading out my essay...it sounded different than the many times I've read it myself from the computer screen as I edit it over and over again. I was the listener this time and it sounded like I don't recognize that essay as my own. It sounded like it didn't belong to me. It sounded so good. To tell myself that I'm the one who wrote it...it's unbelievable. It's such an amazing feeling. To know that I'm actually the writer of this piece. I'm not happy because of the fact that everyone notices me, and my 'skills' for writing now. I'm happy that my writing can actually help someone and make them feel something special deep inside. That is so special to me. And I've never felt this way before. It's indescribable.

***

At the end of the day, I had Planning with Johnny, and he brought his camera again. I held it in my hands one more time. "It's been a long time since I held you in my hands." I thought. I look at it as it was sitting on my lap. My fingers curve. My hands gently cradle it as I remember the very first time I had this camera in my hands. How it felt...

Sitting on the gym floor. My fingers cradling the camera like I was today. Exactly identical. But still not the same. He was playing his badminton game, and I was just sitting there holding on to the camera and wishing that somehow this camera could give me the courage to say how I felt. Somehow...holding the camera made me feel like it knew my story already. Is it that easy to see straight through? And that smile he gave me on the same day. It is probably the sweetest smile I have ever seen from him. The smile was poor in his usual confidence and pride, but so rich in sincerity. And because of that smile...I fell even deeper.

The first time I held that camera....Johnny still didn't know how I truly felt. He still didn't know how many times I have thought about him everyday. From the hit of morning to the curtains of my eyes closing. Very often. It's funny though. I was probably even less than a friend back then.

Every picture I skimmed through, my hands were hesitant. But they still wanted to hold the camera longer. There was a lot of pictures. But I didn't mind at all. Not a lot thoughts went through my mind that time. I just loved that feeling to hold that camera in my hands. A soothing connection to the guy I started to really like.

His camera gives me so many memories from the past...the contrast between October and, now, January. In October, I had to ask twice before he decided to give his camera to me...now I can just easily take it from his hands with a smile, without a verbal request. A smile is a free pass. The person he loves is holding onto the camera he loves. It works doesn't it? Even though that camera isn't mine, it feels like it's something so important to me...like it is the mark of the start of my feelings for him a few months ago. Looking back on it, it always felt like the camera was trying to tell me something. But I just didn't understand. Or I was too scared to.

The first time I held it, I was a scared and one-sided girl. I didn't know what would come my way. I didn't know if he felt the same. I didn't know how long I would like him for. I also didn't know how long I would be able to keep this up. But from where I am now, things have definitely changed...for the better. Although I'm still scared at times and most of these questions are still unanswered, at least I'm on my way to the unimaginable possibilities.